"I just finished reading about Alan Watts. Like you, he was a Capricorn and spent his entire life trying to figure it out. He died at the age of 58, an alcoholic who apparently never figured "it" out.
"I have two close guy friends here who are Capricorns and exactly like you and Alan and other Capricorns, always asking "why" and "how". They, like you, are depressed and suffer from General Anxiety Disorder so I'm wondering if maybe this constant search is a Capricorn trait and not something you can help being.
"Is it a trick of fate that you all were born under the same sign and therefore are always seeking an answer that doesn't exist because no answer ever satisfies you?"
There are a couple of Alan Watts biographies out there, including the one he wrote himself. He lived a very colorful life. He was indeed an alcoholic and he died young because of it.
But my sense is that Watts did indeed 'get it,' although the path by which he reached 'it' was an unconventional one by the standards of Zen orthodoxy. And he certainly wasn't the only person who 'got it' and ended up with personal crises of his or her own making.
I would encourage anyone wanting to know more about Watts to visit the website www.alanwatts.com.
In fact, I'm going to make it a permanent link. And of course, I always recommend his books. "The Wisdom of Insecurity" is my personal favorite - written at a time when his own life was more-or-less in shambles.
Was Watts depressed? I dunno. Am I depressed? Certainly, at times. (Not tonight.)
Do I have General Anxiety Disorder? From the NIMH website:
"GAD is diagnosed when a person worries excessively about a variety of everyday problems for at least 6 months.
"People with GAD can't seem to get rid of their concerns, even though they usually realize that their anxiety is more intense than the situation warrants.
"They can't relax, startle easily, and have difficulty concentrating. Often they have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep.
"Physical symptoms that often accompany the anxiety include fatigue, headaches, muscle tension, muscle aches, difficulty swallowing, trembling, twitching, irritability, sweating, nausea, lightheadedness, having to go to the bathroom frequently, feeling out of breath, and hot flashes."
Yes, I worry excessively. I grew up learning to expect the worst, because with two drama-crazed alcoholics for parents, the worst was usually what would happen. I don't have to worry about that now, but the worrying is habitual, and I'll probably die of old age before I free myself from it completely.
But I rarely have the physical symptoms NIMH describes. Fatigue and shortness of breath, yes, but I'm fifty pounds overweight and don't get enough exercise.
As far as no answer ever satisfying me... well, I think I've found one. It will not always seem that way, I think, because I'm going to always suffer from occasional rounds of depression.