Sunday, September 30, 2007

Sunday evening

By the way, I don't know where everyone is, but I swung by a couple of my usual Sunday evening hangouts tonight, and hardly anyone I knew was there.

Sports

I wrote a fairly long piece about sports and non-attachment, but everything I needed to say is right here.

I will say this, however: I am usually relieved when OU loses early in the season, because it seems to temper the arrogance of the most obnoxious of the strutting, swaggering fans.

Don't expect me to yield at an intersection just because you've attached team flags to your front bumpers like you're some high-ranking diplomat. I just don't care.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

I'm not a slacker - I'm a Taoist!

I'm coming up on the two-month anniversary of my retirement tomorrow. I've done about five freelance projects during that time and turned down one, and other than that my days have been made up mostly of trips to the coffee shop, followed by naps and trips to the pizza place.

I used to buy a lot of books, but that has tapered off, and I think I've bought two during the last 60 days. But I have read and reread (yet again) Wen-Tzu, D.T. Suzuki and Shunryu Suzuki and Seung Sahn, and I still read almost every day. There are a few books out there I still want to read, but the bookstores seem farther away than they used to be. Maybe I'll order them online so I don't have to go to Borders or B&N.

I seem to have fallen off the 'no-call' list, so my home phone rings almost every day with out-of-state calls that I assume are people wanting to sell me stuff or donate money to something.

I have a friend who, after her retirement a few years ago, became almost a complete recluse. I am beginning to understand how that happened. My house is the right size for me, but it's a little small to stay cooped up in all the time. If it were a little larger and more favorably situated, I'd be less motivated to go to the coffee shop or the pizza place every day.

I've begun to retire from thinking as well. I'd always heard warnings about how retired people lose their faculties because they don't have any intellectual challenges. I don't have any and I don't want any. I kind of like not having to think, now that I've tried it.

A couple of my friends have remarked that I seem to have visibly slowed down over the past two months. I think this may be more the result of being loaded up with antihistamines all the time because of fall allergies, and that I'll perk back up again in a few more weeks.

Maybe.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Can a chimpanzee be a person?

Austrian court declines to declare chimpanzee a person under the law.

"It is astounding how all the courts try to evade the question of personhood of a chimp as much as they can."

No Bush jokes, please.

Note to Patrizia

I would, in fact, be happy to design some hot sauce labels. Do you have an email address for me?

More maudlin music

Something else I can no longer listen to is that 'two cats in the yard' song by Crosby, Stills and Nash (and maybe Young - I don't remember).

It reminds me of promises I made and did not keep.

Oddly enough

...listening to umpteen versions of 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' of varying styles and competency put me in a maudlin sort of mood. Nothing in that song has any connection to anything happening or that has ever happened in my life - I can't imagine ever telling anyone in my most mawkish moments that 'forever starts tonight' or 'together we can take it to the end of the line,' so I guess it's not the lyrics but the music itself.

Blogblah! questions why the dancing ninjas are in the original Bonnie Tyler video. Well, hell, it was the eighties - the 'just add ninjas' era of popular culture. I wonder who came up with the bizarre literal interpretation of 'bright eyes' that made the kids look like they were poisoned with white Kryptonite.

But creating the overall sense that relationships exist in a sort of dark, disjointed and vaguely threatening dream world - well that works for me. Maybe it's the video and not the music that puts me in this frame of mind.

In fact, when the Bonnie Tyler version first came out back whenever it was just more background noise on the radio to me. I didn't see the video until a couple of years ago and that's when I first got kind of creeped out by it.

Anyway, the song or the video or both made me think of a woman I knew and was briefly close to a few years ago. Again, nothing that happened between us was anything like that song, so I'm not sure what the connection is.

(I did, however, once tell her that when we were together I could sense 'the machinery of the cosmos turning.' I don't think that sounds as silly as 'together we can take it to the end of the line,' but still... I wouldn't take back the sentiment, but it could have perhaps been better expressed. Later, though, when I was trying to understand the concept of the Tao, 'machinery of the cosmos' seemed like a good way to put it.)

Lately – like for the past month – there's been a certain sense of emptiness in my life. I think being retired has given me more time to dwell on stuff like this, so it's more apparent to me. And the song just accentuated the awareness.

I know most other people feel this at various times in their lives, and they resolve it (or try to) by finding a lover, getting saved, buying a ski boat or any of a couple of dozen other methods.

My own opinion, based on my experience, is that none of this works, or if it does the results are only temporary - sort of like nasal spray for the soul. Provides fast temporary relief from the discomfort of being human. After the effects wear off, you have to break up, go to revivals, listen to motivational speakers, accessorize the boat, whatever.

I reiterate, however, that my life is as close to perfect today as it's ever been. I'm definitely not complaining.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

And I need you now tonight

Mundelein High School Show Choir

And I need you more than ever

The Pink Fuzzies

And if you'll only hold me tight

Mimmi Sandén, age 11

We'll be holding on forever

Nicki French techno dance remix

And we'll only be making it right

Eva & Jokubas

I really need you tonight

Los Diggaz

Forever's gonna start tonight

Hurra Torpedo

2:35 am

I have nothing to report.

Oh, wait. I do have something to report. I just saw a YouTube video of Lucy Lawless singing with Bonnie Tyler on some American Idol-type TV show. I picked this up on Eschaton, of all places.



This was taped about a year ago, so I'm late to the game. But I never watch TV, so it's new to me.

What I actually wanted to point out was that if her name hadn't been on the screen, I would never have known who she was. How long as she been blonde and not so, um, sturdy?

Monday, September 24, 2007

Don't know/don't care

sweeney (a fellow Wellpern, for those of you who are reading locally), gets pretty much to the heart of what I was trying to say:

I have had a long-running struggle with "don't-know" mind subtly shifting into "don't-care" mind. I don't know if you have had the same experience, Mike.

There are Buddhist practices of taking passion or emotion and transforming it into positive energy. Tonglen is one example.


I'm pretty comfortable with 'don't-care' mind, at least as it has manifested itself in my life. As recently as a couple of years ago, I would work myself into a complete rage over things I saw as unfair in life and society. Nothing changed because of my ranting outbursts, and nothing has changed since I decided to let go of them.

I've gotten past a lot of personal issues over the past couple of years by simply putting them down. And in some cases, circumstances changed in a way that made them irrelevant - early retirement covereth a multitude of sins.

A therapist would tell me, I think, that these issues are still unresolved, but I feel relaxed and at peace and glad to have them off my plate. I just don't care that much anymore.

(I made a lot of process with resolving issues during the couple of years I was in regular therapy. But eventually, I reached a point where with certain things I just went through the same chain of thoughts over and over again, with no new insight or progress.

It was something of a leap of logic to get there, because it wasn't actually what he was talking about, but Seung Sahn's teachings led me to see that it wasn't necessary to audit and account for every emotional or intellectual nickel and dime of my existence. Oh, $1.75 disappeared in 1964? Well, I've gotten along fine without it until now.)

But there are times when I would like to muster some degree of enthusiasm for things like housecleaning and perhaps art - but to keep it directed in a way that doesn't lead me into some overwrought scenario that blows up in my face and sends me yet again into a couple more years of steady don't-leave-the-house depression.

And I wonder, as I said previously, how we as a society would get some things done without passion.

Part of the reason I was so closely drawn to Taoism was because it mirrored beliefs I had already held most of my life. It was heartening - I mean it brought tears to my eyes - to discover that people who saw things the way I did were once called 'sages' instead of 'underachievers.'

(And a parenthetical rant: what an insidious term that is. I hadn't thought of it until just now, but jeebus - underachieving at what? Only what someone else decided was important. Not a good candidate to be a pod person.)

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Passion, and the lack thereof

It's evident to anyone who knows me that I lead, by intent, a more-or-less passionless life. This is desirable from a Buddhist and Taoist perspective, as I understand it. And probably the reason this belief resonates with me is because my own life experience suggested passion usually produces undesirable results. Your mileage may, of course, vary.

At this point, I don't know if I could muster passion for anything even if I had to.

But I see people from time to time who put their passion to good use. I know several artists whose passion, coupled with a degree of self-discipline, helps them regularly produce work.

Today I listened to a woman with whom I am passingly acquainted talk passionately about her work with 'troubled youth,' and I wondered how someone develops the passion to undertake a job of that sort. If everyone had the same lack of passion I've developed, who would do these kinds of jobs for which no amount of monetary incentive could be sufficient?

At the same time, some of these same people have personal lives that I would find unlivable.

The turmoil and angst and drama in their lives is a product of the same passion that drives them to create art.

I wonder is there is a way to channel passion in a productive direction, eliminating the disruptive and the negative - or if one is inevitably tied to the other.

Friday, September 21, 2007

moveon.org controversy

As I've said before, I don't write about politics here because a) I'm too self-absorbed to write about anything but me and b) there are so many others out there who can do better.

Here's an example: TIME magazine's take on the Petraeus/betray us moveon.org ad.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Do you suppose they'll let this slide?

I've played a little fast and loose with the CSS to get this new banner.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

More Wednesday notes

My regular Wednesday night schedule was disrupted by eleventh-hour revisions to a freelance project... so, since I'm spending the evening at home, I'll get caught up on the bicycle thing.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I'm using a bike for basic transportation for the first time since junior high school. I use it maybe 30% of the time.

Riding a bike through neighborhoods is a lot different than riding on the trails at Hefner or the river. I'm much more aware now of the lay of the land between here and the Red Cup, which is where I usually go first thing in the morning. Small hills that I didn't even notice in a car are more evident. I know the residential streets around my house much better than I used to. When I was a kid, I knew every cracked sidewalk, every bumpy street, every shortcut behind a convenience store or through an apartment complex. I don't ride on sidewalks or cut through apartment complexes now, but that sensation of being a part of the neighborhood has returned for the first time since adolescence.

I'm also much more aware of what drivers are doing. I've always been very alert to traffic around me. I'm always at threat level red when there's an SUV on the street, or someone is talking on a cell phone while driving.

Gas prices didn't play much of a part in my decision to do this. I figure it will take two to three years to save enough on gasoline to cover the cost of the bicycle.

What did affect my decision is my dissatisfaction with my weight and the way I feel. I'm tired of not being able to bend over because my stomach is in the way. I'm not as worried about how it looks, even though it doesn't look very good. But I sure don't like the way it feels.



Someone told me the other day that I had the personality and demeanor of someone who smokes about a pound of weed a week. I took that as a compliment.

Wednesday notes

I haven't posted anything since Friday, not including the Modern Taoist Sage link, because I just don't have anything to say.

My life is more at peace right now than it's ever been, I suppose. I can fantasize, of course, about how it could be better - such as being able to look out my front window and see a lake, small and not overdeveloped, with no jetskis or powerboats allowed - but as a practical matter, things are as close to perfect as they can reasonably be expected to be.


All five of the rose bushes in my front yard are in bloom. It's the first time ever they've produced flowers simultaneously.

I paid off the credit card purchase of the Breezer this week, bringing my total financial liabilities back down to zero.

I come and go as I please, with few responsibilities and few expectations.

It's important, though, that I not get attached to this moment of my life. Just as the turn-of-the-century personal turmoil passed, so too shall this.

I have nothing else to report.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Friday, September 14, 2007

Friday morning

I've just awakened from another round of uncomfortable previous career dreams, punctuated by an allergy attack.

My allergy problems seem to occur in the middle of the night and again at mid-morning. By afternoon I'm usually feeling pretty good. The allergy attacks usually go away completely in early- to mid-October.

But what I actually wanted to post about was that my regularly scheduled spell of depression has not appeared. I've had two really bad spells of depression that lasted more than a year - one in 1971-3 and another in 1997-1999. But most last only a few days.

I've mentioned before that these brief spells seem to be mostly physical in nature and not strongly related to anything external. When I get them, I tend to treat them as if they were a bad head cold - annoying, but something that has to be temporarily endured.

I see three possible reasons they've stopped: retirement, and the removal of stresses related to work; the additional exercise from almost-daily bike riding; or the further elimination of personal attachments.

I think it's probably a combination of all three.

I want to post more about bicycling, but I think that can wait until later.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Well, of course I should find my good winter gloves now

But forget the rest of it. I don't know what I was thinking.

I'm sitting here tonight with Adobe InDesign open for the first time since I retired. I really didn't miss it.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Things to maybe do

I don't have a 'to-do' list to speak of. I need to pay some bills this week and do some laundry. That's about it.

Long term, I need to have some dental work done, preferably before year's end.

I've been thinking – very tentatively – about undertaking the relationship search again. But it's on my list of things that maybe I ought to think about doing:

· Should I wear sunscreen?
· Is it close enough to fall to trim back the wisteria and crape myrtles?
· Should I look for a relationship?
· Should I find my good winter gloves now so I'll have them when it turns really cold?

That's kind of where the relationship thing is. I don't know what a relationship would be like in my present state of mind. Not very dramatic, that's for sure. More intellectual than physical, probably. Neither being nor not being and all.

You know what I like to do? Sit around the Red Cup and talk about Chuang-Tzu and Alan Watts. Know what else I like to do? Sit around Sauced! and talk about Chuang-Tzu and Alan Watts.

And that's about it. You know how many women I know who like that? None.

I've reached a point where the level of crazy shit in my life is barely a murmur. The crazy shit meter isn't even twitching. Why would I want to risk screwing that up?

What does it look like?

After I finished the previous post last night, I got to wondering about what I'd written about seeing 'it.' What, I asked myself, would 'it' look like? And the first thing that popped into my head was a biscuit.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

How did I get here? I didn't take notes.

"I don't necessarily want to give a lecture. I just want to live with you: moving stones, having a nice hot spring bath and eating something good. Zen is right there. When I start to talk, it is already a smoky kerosene lamp. As long as I must start a lecture, I have to explain, 'This is right practice, this is wrong, this is how to practice zazen...' It is like giving you a recipe. It doesn't work. You cannot eat a recipe."

– Shunryu Suzuki Roshi, Not Always So


I like this because it supports my notion that it's difficult to explain – no, impossible to explain – some of the things I believe.

You may already know you have a blind spot in the middle of your vision. If you look at stars at night, and you stare very hard at a particular star, it will seem to vanish. But if you look just above or below it, or to one side, it will reappear. That's sort of how this is. I can see it if I don't stare at it.

And if I try to define it, even to myself, I get this mental picture of 'it' sitting right in front of me, and as I describe it, the adjectives in my mind pop up in front of it like a screen. And soon, instead of seeing it, I'm seeing a wall of adjectives - in black 36 point Univers extended.

I can't tell you how I got here. I recall some of the stops along the way, and I've written about them here, but I'm not sure I could retrace my steps if I had to. Just as important, I can't tell you whether it would be good for you to try to reach the same point. I don't even know what it is. I don't have a name for it, and I don't want to name it, in part because I'm afraid the correct name would be 'full of shit' and then my ego would be damaged.

Bloggy update

Joining the list of blog links at right is Mind Over Mary, aka sister of BlogBlah! Mary is a former OKC resident now living in Charleston, SC.

Also, Cutting to the Chase is on hiatus (a word I learned from TV Guide when I was twelve or so), so it's no longer linked. Leave a comment or send an email if you start blogging again, CM.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

By request

Random notes for those looking for something... anything... to read:

First of all, I'm riding the bike most days now. I typically use it for my morning trip to the Red Cup, and then take it back home. If I go out in the evening, I take the van.

The bicycle I'm riding is a Breezer Liberty, which was designed specifically for around-town commuting.
I may be getting parts of the backstory wrong, but company founder Joe Breeze, if I understand correctly, more or less invented the mountain bike. Here's his bio on the Mountain Bike Hall of Fame. Now, his company's whole line of bikes is geared specfically to basic transportation use.

Security is an issue. Having had a 30-year-old Schwinn LeTour worth maybe $25 stolen out of my garage a few years ago, I know that people will steal – and pawn shops will apparently buy – damn near anything. So the bike stays locked and indoors whenever I'm not using it. Dragging it in and out is something of a disincentive to ride it.

You'd think that someone would have come up with a nearly-bulletproof 'bike garage' that one could install beside a house or something. Like a reinforced steel hut that could hold two or three bikes on racks.

Anyway, the bike now accounts for perhaps 30% of my weekly travel, and when I'm in better shape, the percentage will increase. Some days this is a very easy morning ride, and other days it just wipes me out. Today was easy; yesterday's ride left me recuperating most of the afternoon.



A few words now about my gradually shrinking bubble.

It occurred to me a few days ago that if I could get the Red Cup, three kinds (ie., Italian, Asian, American, etc.) of decent restaurants, a grocery store and a book store all in a space of one square mile, I could live in that square and never leave.

I have no desire to travel and not much incentive to. I would prefer to stay in one little neighborhood for the rest of my life and enjoy the peace and quiet, such as it is.

In an enlightened nation, some Taoist master wrote, the citizens never go abroad because their needs are all met at home and they're content. My needs and desires are few these days.



There is a famous collection of drawings known as the Zen Ox-herding Pictures. Several versions are out there - here's one version.

These have been around since the 12th century CE. What you actually see in these pictures is a guy interacting with an ox, but it's all symbolic. This was apparently a common event in 12th century China, so the average person could identify with the experience as portrayed in the pictures.

You can find a lot of web sites explaining what's happening in these drawings. But I want to talk about what's not happening. The guy is not:


  • taking calls on his cell phone.

  • jamming along with his iPod.

  • text messaging.

  • dodging SUV's and Jesus-cab pickup trucks with chrome hand rails.

  • repeatedly punching the button for the 'WALK' light with his thumb.



When you were out herding an ox, that's what you did. There was you and there was the ox. There wasn't much in the way of distraction. No wonder Bodhidharma sat at the wall for nine years... there wasn't anything else to do.

I'd like to think that if you blindfolded Hui-Neng or Dogen, drove them to the intersection of NW Expressway and Penn at rush hour, then suddenly pulled off the blindfolds, they would smile serenely and continue to have no concept of either being or not being. But more likely they would be like, "What the fuck, man?! What is this shit??!"

We have a lot more distraction than the ancient ancestors had. We're all about distraction, in fact. We're the nation of being distracted.

Before I encountered the Four Noble Truths, and later Chuang-Tzu, Wen-Tzu, Watts and Seung Sahn, I encountered Henry David Thoreau. Reading Walden in 2000 (along with Douglas Rushkoff's Coercion) set me up for the realizations that were to follow. Together, Walden and Coercion led me to see that I could get along with about one-tenth of the crap I had accumulated, and that most of what I had thought I wanted in my life wasn't really what I wanted, but what a bunch of marketing weasels wanted. And I saw that the stuff made my life worse, not better.

So here I sit in my shrinking bubble, free of desires that weren't mine to begin with.

I'm giving away a bunch of old computer parts. I'm going to box those up this afternoon.

But right now I think it's time for a nap.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Let's run this war like a bidness

If you start a business and it makes money, you don't abruptly say, 'Well, it worked. I started a business and made some money,' then shut the business down. No, what you do is keep the business going and try to get new customers.

If you're really successful, you expand and open a second location.

If you look at our glorious patriotic mission in the mideast from that perspective - a business that's making good money for its proprietors - I think everything you hear from the administration this month will make a lot more sense.

Monday, September 03, 2007

Labor Day 2007

Nothing to report.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Sunday afternoon notes

I have several things to catch up on.

First of all, the bicycling: the terrain between my house and the Red Cup is mostly flat, and I've made that trip rather easily.

Today, I ventured farther east. The terrain is more rolling when you get east of Western. I went by Galileo where I received a round of applause from the patrons astonished to see The Inert Mass of Neither Being Nor Not-Being actually in self-propelled motion. From there it was down to Sauced! (where were you, JohnX?), and after that home, going down Dewey into Mesta Park and then going west on NW 18. That was harder. I am in horrible shape, especially when you consider I'm a non-smoker and not much of a drinker. These aren't even really hills... more like bumps. But they're wearing me out.

In my previous adult biking experience, I've ridden around Lake Hefner or on the River Trails, which offer a more controlled biking experience. I haven't used a bike as basic transportation since I was a teenager. I'm refreshing skills I haven't used in forty-five years: remembering where the steep grades are... the safest places to cross busy streets... where the potholes and badly-patched stretches of pavement are... where I'm likely to encounter unfriendly dogs... watching parked cars to make sure there's no one in them who might suddenly open a door in my path...

This afternoon, my legs are okay but my upper arms are burning like they have muscle strain.



Several weeks ago, I mentioned that Amanda Joy, whose blog Amanda Joy's Random Musings is linked at the right, doesn't update as frequently as I thought she would. Previously unknown to me, however, was the fact she has several blogs covering a variety of subjects. You can find a list of them at the bottom of this page.

And if you scroll down on this page, you'll see the the sunflower drawing I mentioned in a previous post.



Last spring, I was given the job of coming up with a cover for a presentation to be used by a city trust seeking a corporate sponsor for the new water taxi service on the 'Oklahoma River'. The trust wanted an illustration to show the potential sponsor how its corporate logo would appear on the taxis.

I've been meaning to post it since about May.

All the raw materials the trust had for reference were some archive shots of the river and, from the boatbuilder in New England, a rudimentary CAD rendering of a boat, shown from a fairly generic three-quarters overhead view with flat light, computer-generated water and some placeholder 'passengers' who looked like large wooden clothespins.

In other words, the finished piece is about ninety percent freehand.

My job was to make the boat and the view more romantic, more dramatic and more appealing. And include the potential sponsor's logo.

I'd consider this a pretty typical commercial art/illustration assignment. I spent about three days on it.



There's a lot of dead space around the boat to allow room for copy. I think the headline was 'Join the Land Run Along the Oklahoma River,' which struck me as kind of odd for a boat project... but what the hell, I'm just the artist.

Although this was done entirely digitally, its 'canvas size' is about 28 x 20 inches. In other words, if you put it in a giclee printer, you'd get a 28 x 20 print. The piece actually ran at 8 x 10 or something similar.

Here are some details:









Some artistic license was taken. There is no angle, for example, from which downtown appears to be that close to the riverfront. And I don't think they'll actually allow people to get up and walk around on the taxis as they do here - but I might be wrong about that. All the lighting on the boat is just made up, too. They may or may not have running lights of some sort.