Early Tuesday

Bailey is doing a doggie sleepover tonight with Lucy at Ms. HRP's. It's just me and Rollo and whatever hangaround cats come wandering in.

I spent some time with Nurse K and Ms. HRP today, after spending about three days with no contact with anyone (other than cashiers and wait staff). I've been pretty much out of contact with world for most of the past five days, and have found it very relaxing and de-stressing.

I read MindoverMary's post about her friend who has temporarily (heh) moved in with her to escape a crazy, abusive boyfriend. No one has ever asked to move in with me (I wonder why - do you suppose it could be the cat shit?), but this is exactly the kind of drama I don't want to be near, let alone be participating in. I hide from this kind of stuff.

I used to think I was a screwup because I couldn't fit in with the rest of society. Lately, I've begun to think I'm the one who's sane, and everyone else is crazy. Yes, I know I'm surrounded by cats and cat shit and nose spray bottles, but no one gets beaten up at my place, no one passes out drunk in my front yard, nor are the police ever called to my home. I've never been put in jail.

I could list a whole bunch of other things that haven't happened to my dull, boring ass, but other people might recognize themselves or their friends, so I'll spare them the embarrassment.

I truly do not understand how people can live that way, although it seems to go on all around me. The very thought of it unnerves me.

Solitude is a blessing.

iTunes: Schubert: Impromptu in G flat - Martijn Van Den Hoek, piano

Sleep

The cat fidgets all night. The dog barely moves at all.

This dog is like a thirty-pound sack of potatoes.

Sunday am

What is there?

I'll be around

Please, don't anyone else call me. I'm fine. I'll be around.

Speaking of negative emotions...

I'm often a generator of negative emotions, so you may want to read that link in the preceding post for tips on how to deal with me.

Negative emotions

A few weeks ago, Ms. HRP gave me a printout of a web page about how to stop being affected by other people's negative emotions. I lost the printout, of course, but I remembered one phrase: "envelope of white light." So I did a Google search for that phrase plus the word 'emotions,' and the web page I was looking for was at the top of the list.

How To Stop Absorbing Other People’s Negative Emotions

Another day of nothin'

I saw almost nobody today. My garage guy came by to pick up some equipment he'd left. I went to the grocery store and bought some stuff to tide me over in case I'm snowed in tomorrow. Later in the day I went to Smokey's and got barbecue.

I walked the dog a couple of times.

I searched - unsuccessfully - for the remote control for the stereo, which I have already misplaced, and which I hope I didn't accidentally throw in the trash.

I took a nap.

Right now, I'm listening to Shostakovich's Symphony #13.

Dog diet

I gave Bailey a steak bone the other night, and while she was glad to get it, her digestive tract seems the worse for the experience. She hasn't had the runs, exactly, but more like a case of the 'squishies' for about 36 hours. She's also had a couple of accidents in the house during this time.

Bailey is making lots of friends. Almost every time I take her for a walk, someone stops to pet her. She loves people and she loves attention, so that's working out well for everyone.

Snow storm

According to the weather forecasters, we're on the south edge of some ginormous winter storm that's going to cover the northwest half of the state in up to a foot of snow. Blizzard warnings are in effect in the panhandle and northwest. That area's pretty remote - I'd hate to be stuck under a foot of snow out there.

I'm trying to decide if I need to go to the store today and stock up on some sort of supplies.

Link spamming

About three times a week, I have to delete three or four 'link spams' from the blog. These are comments, usually unrelated to the post to which they're attached, that include a link to some quasi-reputable web site. Seeding blogs with these links help boost a site's Google ranking. I assume some so-called 'search engine optimization' company pays people some paltry sum to spend hours a day dropping these linked comments all over blogs.

This has been going on pretty regularly for about six weeks now. I don't want to begin moderating comments, but I may have to, at least temporarily.

What I believe

I've had this idea for awhile that I should 'codify' my beliefs... sort of a "Mcarpene Creed", if you will.

But what would I get from that? Maybe I'll just walk the dog, instead.

Calm

I thought I'd take a moment to post about what a pleasant week I've had. And I've spent it mostly alone and mostly at home. I've been to the coffee shop a few times, and to VZD's once, but for the most part, I've avoided my usual haunts. (I don't consider Jimmy's Egg a 'haunt,' although I eat there pretty often. I tend to be in and out pretty quick.)

I've listened to a huge amount of classical music, including, for the first time, Glenn Gould's "Goldberg Variations" performances. The new stereo makes some of my other CDs sound like completely new works. This is especially true of Ravi Shankar's "Chants of India," in which I hear voices that didn't even show up with my old speakers. Right now I'm listening to Tchaikovsky's 'Marche Slave,' performed by Karajan and the Berlin Philharmonic.

I've done some housecleaning and gotten mostly caught up on laundry. I've walked the dog two or three times a day.

I've been reading some books by Steven Batchelor, Ajahn Chah and DT Suzuki.

I've located some old friends - people I haven't talked to in ten to twenty years - on Facebook.

I've taken naps in the afternoon.

Everything has been very calm and pleasant. I feel like this validates my decision to scale back my busy schedule of public appearances and spend more time with myself.

Sunday evening

Nothing to report

Stereo

I bought a new stereo setup today - the first new one in, oh, 35 years. My ex still has my old one, in fact.

This is a more modest setup than the one I got back in the seventies. It's just a receiver and a pair of speakers. I put all my music on iTunes, so I don't need a CD player.

The receiver is a Yamaha home theater thing with about two hundred features I'll never use. All I really needed was a power amp or maybe an integrated amp; most of the digital signal processing stuff doesn't interest me. But the plain old amps are hard to find (and I didn't limit my search to big box retailers), and tend to cost as much or more.

I had been listening to music on high-end self-powered computer speakers, and the chamber music and Asian flute music were tolerable. But symphonies and other big-orchestra pieces sounded choked. Everything sounds much better now.

When I retired, I set some budget goals for myself. I haven't come close to meeting them, and my cash reserves have shrunk faster than I planned. Austerity will have to be the watchword from here on out. I already own more crap than I can fit in my house - cutting back shouldn't be a problem.

Big news today

They poured the concrete foundation for my new garage today.


This is a big step forward. They'll do the stem wall tomorrow, I'm told, and build the actual garage in a week to ten days.

Tuesday

Nothing to report. Happy St. Patrick's Day.

Culture Warriors Laid Off

from NYT's Frank Rich...

Here, at last, is one piece of good news in our global economic meltdown: Americans have less and less patience for the intrusive and divisive moral scolds who thrived in the bubbles of the Clinton and Bush years.

Sat night/Sun morn

Ms. Dog and I are both under the fuzzy red blanket. We're calm and at peace.

Two strange phenomena

Two strange phenomena occurred here this evening.

The first phenomenon was that I found myself walking down an aisle in Target with no recollection of having gone there. I assumed I had driven there, but I had no memory of having done it. It was almost as if I had come into existence at that exact moment.

I assumed I would find my car in the parking lot, and sure enough, I did. I didn't buy anything.

The second phenomenon was that after I got home, I found the toilet paper on the roller set into the wall. I never put toilet paper on the roller, but there it was, just as if it had always been there. I know some people make a sort of ritual of putting TP on the roller. I assume it helps preserve the illusion they have some control over their lives: "See? I've put the toilet paper in its place on the roller. I'm in charge. I make the decisions."

But, I know that life is lived on the ever-shifting sands of impermanence, so I don't worry about the toilet paper being on the roller. As long as it's within reach, I'm fine. Plus, I avoid that whole over/under thing.

And the shower curtain was hanging outside the bathtub. I'm glad I found that before I took a shower in the morning.

There seems to have been an odd shifting of the fabric of reality around here.

Complications

I know it does not seem to most people like my life is very complicated. But it is to me.

My ability to multitask, never very strong, has diminished to nothing. So has my ability to plan, or even to think clearly. There are posts that have never appeared here because I started to write them, realized I didn't have the energy or motivation to organize my three or four paragraphs of thoughts, and gave up.

And for the most part, I don't care. I don't need to think much anymore, or organize or plan.

I had to take the dog out for a 1:40 am doggie dump. I sort of know I need to start feeding her on a schedule, but the concept seems kind of fuzzy and indistinct. I have to feed her earlier in the day, and at the same time every day. That means I have to keep track of what time it is. That's a complication, looking at a clock all the time. Plus the usual chore of finding the bowl, finding a scoop for the dog food... more complication. Can't think about it.

I'm sort of regressing into a hunter/gatherer. Or really just a gatherer. I can forage, but that's about it.

I went to the coffee shop yesterday. Walked in, sort of vaguely waved at a table where some of my friends were sitting, then left. I wasn't there two minutes. Too many people, too many conversations. Too complicated.

A couple of my friends are infuriated by the way I drive. The way I drive is this: get in the car, start driving, then formulate a plan about how I'm going to get there. This means that many times, by the time I have sorted out where my next turn is, I have already passed it. One time I overshot my own driveway by a block. I don't care; I'll get there eventually. But other people find it maddening. Sometimes I get in the car and start going without knowing where I'll end up. Again, this doesn't bother me; I know I'll end up somewhere. It made my ex-wife crazy.

Drive faster! Don't stop! Turn the heat on! Slow slow, quick quick! Get rid of that cat hair! Move to Edmond! Why aren't you a Republican? Focus! Why are you wearing that? Be more accessible! Look urgent! Don't sit with your arms folded! Why aren't you saved? Why aren't you in Al-Anon? You and your Moon Pies! Acknowledge your coanchor! Study! Have you done your homework? You need to wear your hair like your daddy!

Folks, this is me. This is it. All there is. I'm not deliberately concealing some advanced mutant power that allows me to be more like you.

I don't want to think anymore. I've had enough thinking.

I've been kind of a shithead today...

...frankly.

All this dog wants to do is sleep

...thank god.

Bailey pix

Since the first effort didn't work, here's another attempt:

Being alive

I'm not saying being alive is a good thing or a bad thing. It is simply the state of affairs in which I currently happen to find myself.

Photo

I'm adding this from the phone. Let's see if it works.

Some developments

I have a dog - a year-old Basett hound named Bailey. That was the name her previous owners gave her, and it's good enough for me.

I'm on the iPhone right now, so no pix, but I'll post a couple later. I posted a couple on Facebook, if you know how to get there.

One of my FB friends commented, "Are you serious? Do you realize you have animals that are JUST LIKE YOU?"

Well, we seem to be compatible. She's curled up beside me on the bed right now. (I originally wrote 'curled up beside me in bed,' but that seemed a little - twisted, for some reason. We're not that compatible.)

Much progress has been made in the master bedroom. The walls and ceiling have been textured by Ms. HRP with an assist from her oldest son. We may buy new crown moulding today.

I have been absent from my usual hangouts and spending more time at home.

All is calm and quiet.

Crowds

I know I'm restating what I've said previously, but it's getting harder and harder to be around groups of people. I find myself joining a group of friends or acquaintances, then bailing out after only a few minutes.

I'm still fine with one or two friends, but beyond that, I start to feel overwhelmed.

My house is a mess, but it's quiet and I have the space all to myself.

It's still dark out, and I'm wrapped in the fuzzy red blanket, and it feels great. Warm, quiet, calm.

Today's objective update

Today's objective was, unfortunately, not accomplished.

We've rescheduled for tomorrow.

Today's objective

...is to take down the ceiling fan in the bedroom.

But first, a nap.

I don't get it.

Sorry, but I don't. I'm at home with my cats and my music. All is calm at this location.

Brain-fried

I spent Friday night at home alone. I let myself get too overexposed to humanity in the previous days and I needed some time to recuperate.

A couple of years ago, I posted a link to a series of photos of a cat sitting in an apartment window watching a bird sitting on the balcony rail. Each photo was accompanied by a mocking statement from the bird.

In one photo, the bird says, "You couldn't handle it out here. It's too crazy." Well, that's how I feel. I can't handle it out there. It's too crazy.

I don't mean to be rude, but you humans confuse the hell out of me.

The Dalai Lama and me

I took an online political test called "The Political Compass" Wednesday evening.



That's my result. I am in almost in exactly the same spot as HH the Dalai Lama, based on his public statements.

You can take the test, and compare yourselves to world figures (and me) here.

Ethereal, part 3

Ms. HRP read my previous two posts on being 'ethereal' and said, "So, what you're looking for is someone who's spaced out."

Well, um... yeah. I guess that kind of covers it.

More on being ethereal

I've broken a promise to myself with these posts. I had made a commitment not to bring this matter up on the blog again for a considerable length of time, but here I am writing about it again.

I want to reiterate the point is moot. There may still be some part of me that wants romance in my life, but the reasoning part of me says my interests are unrealistic to the point of being fantasy, and the spiritual part of me says peace and serenity can me found only on a path leading in another direction.

But since we're talking about fantasy, let's go ahead and fantasize a little. I'm thinking of someone whose interests and thoughts are rarely focused on the so-called 'real world.' That doesn't necessarily mean new age or UFO stuff, since I'm skeptical about both, but it does mean her awareness extends beyond the usual local cultural realm of OU football, American Idol and celebrity gossip, and she's not at all emotionally or intellectually plugged in to that stuff.

Most of the daily stuff going on around her doesn't ruffle her. In fact, she's pretty much imperturbable. She sees phenomena for what they are.

Emotionally, she's pretty low-key. She's never really angry or indignant, nor is she ever enthusiastically cheerful.

She doesn't talk much.

She's a lot like me, in short, only not as grumpy or cynical.

She's looking for a spiritual companion more than someone who fits the conventional description of 'boyfriend.'

She likes animals and kids.

She has about her the aspect of the Bodhisattva of Compassion, although she may not be a fully enlightened person. She's nominally a Buddhist or Taoist, although she may not be a rigorous adherent to forms of practice.

She's a creative person.

I guess that's pretty much the list.

But again, this is just an unproductive fantasy, not an actual goal. The peace I seek will have to be found within me. No one else can bring it to me.

What do you mean by 'ethereal'?

Ms. HRP reads my blog, of course, and sometimes asks me questions about it. Today she asked me, "What do you mean by 'ethereal'?"

She was referring to my frequent posts about looking for an ethereal, gauzy, hippie chick by whom I could be infatuated.

OK, here's the deal: I don't know how to describe it, but I know it when I see it. I've met two women in maybe the past ten years who would qualify in my book as ethereal, or at least partly ethereal. They were both artists, and one was also a musician. Both had a spiritual bent, one Buddhist and one Christian. But they also conveyed this sense of being only loosely tethered to the earth. They were spiritually pretty well grounded, or so they seemed, but I had the sense that a stiff breeze might send either of them drifting away like dandelion seeds, gracefully and serenely floating over lawns and gardens.

Now, personally, I'm about as ethereal as room-temperature oatmeal. If they drifted like dandelion seeds, I'd tumble along like a KFC bucket that had blown out of someone's trash can.

So, perhaps ethereal isn't a good match for me. But as I always say, we can't help the kinds of people to whom we are attracted.

The point is, in any event, moot.

27 degrees

I guess it's still winter. Eric the Viking reports that up in MO, he and Leslie are snowed in at the ranch.

Random thoughts

As I first said years ago, I would rather be lonely than be crazy.

I'll add that I need wisdom more than I need, well, pretty much anything, except food and water.

And nose spray. But that doesn't mean I'm addicted.

Paul Harvey

Paul Harvey is dead at the age of 90. I suppose I should look at him as a role model, in that he remained active right up until the end of his life.

Instead, I find myself thinking, '90?! That would be another 35 freakin' years for me!'

I don't know how old I want to live to be, but I'm pretty sure I don't want to be that old.