Friday, October 31, 2008

Halloween

Ms Landscape Person built a whole front yard Halloween display, with lights and pumpkins and a crash-landed witch.

I spent $45.00 on candy and another $13 on a four-gallon galvanized washtub to hold it.

I have had three trick-or-treaters.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Oil change update

I guess I should mention that I had them change the oil anyway, and the car seems to be running fine.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Oil change

I just dropped my car off at the oil change place. The guy said the engine sounds so shot it's probably not worth changing the oil.

A footnote

Someone pulled up my Obama yard sign Saturday. I doubt it will change the outcome of the election.

Pondering fate

I ran into a former TV co-worker on Facebook this week. I had not seen or heard from him since about 2000. I was astonished to learn that sometime after leaving the business himself, he had been in an accident that left him a quadriplegic.

That got me to thinking about some of the other people I had known. In the years after I lost contact with them, one had been killed in a plane crash while returning from an assignment. Another, also while on assignment, had died of a heart attack I suspect was induced in part by job-related stress. A third, who had lost her job with my employer while recovering from a kidney transplant in about 1989, had died in Florida.

I would consider myself more deserving of karmic opprobrium than any of those other people, but I've had, for the most part, nothing but good fortune since escaping those awful years that began with the Waco siege and ended with leaving television.

I live rather comfortably in my urban sanctuary, retired at age fifty-five, small 'e' if not capital 'e' enlightened. I surround myself with incense and exotic far eastern music that take me as far away from that old reality as I can go without physically moving. I'm surrounded by helpful and compassionate friends. I come and go as I please. I feed the birds and squirrels that come to my back yard and befriend the neighborhood cats. I live in a part of the city that development patterns have isolated from the rest of the metro, so it's almost like I live in a small town. Other people's issues, needs and demands seldom intrude on my life.

When I consider what happened to others, who often left behind loved ones and children, my own occasional nightmares and other annoyances seem insignificant.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Travel

One of the things I've been asked about frequently since my retirement is whether I want to travel. People seem surprised when I say I don't. I've never been out of the US, but I've been all over the 48 contiguous states. I traveled hundreds of thousand of miles as a reporter, and that's enough travel for me.

There are some natural wonders I would like to see, if I could just teleport to them and skip going through the airport. I've never been to Yosemite or Yellowstone, for example, or Big Sur.

Manmade stuff doesn't interest me that much.

But if we're talking absolute fantasy travel, I'd like to have a starship — something that could get me to another galaxy in, say, three or four days. And without me having to get a tuneup or have the oil in the warp drive changed or whatever.

I think it would be interesting to at least fly past some other solar systems and see what's out there.

But the Mall of America? Could not care less.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Text messaging

I got a text messaging package with my iPhone... x number of text messages a month. I forget the number.

So, I've been experimenting with the text messaging feature in the phone. I don't know what to say, so I just text people, "I have nothing to report."

A lot of the people I text don't answer me. I don't know what's so special about that.

Friday, October 24, 2008

ants

Every so often I see ants in the yard. I don't know all the different kinds of ants, but some are small and black or brown, and others are red and larger.

When one of those small ants encounters one of the larger red ants, it must look huge to him. But from our larger human perspective, they're both so small we generally don't even notice them.

From a cosmic perspective, we're even smaller than those ants. We huff and puff about our very important tasks, and the cosmos takes no notice of us.

Somemwhere out in my back yard, a bunch of ants are talking: "Yeah, we've got a financing package in the pipeline for a mixed-use anthill that will be three-quarters of an inch high! That's going to really put this back yard on the map! We'll be in the big leagues for sure!"

Over in another part of the yard, a couple of ants are talking about relationships, and why they can't find The Right Ant.

The cosmos is no more aware or concerned about our comings and goings than we are of the ants'.




My thumbs are tired.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Doing nothing

You may have heard of Thich Nhat Hanh, the Vietnamese Zen monk, prolific author and peace activist. Martin Luther King, Jr. once nominated him for the Nobel Peace Prize in recognition of his work to bring peace and social justice in Vietnam.

Like the Dalai Lama, Thich Nhat Hanh is a very busy, very active Buddhist.

I, on the other hand, am a sloth.

One of the things I looked forward to in retirement — actually the thing I looked forward to — was kicking back and doing a whole lot of nothing. I was pleased to read the writings of the taoist sages who talked about "wu wei," or non-doing. I really really like non-doing.

But Buddhism, perhaps more than taoism, is also about compassion. I do favors for friends, and in that regard I'm pretty generous. But beyond that, there's very little I do. I don't do any volunteer work. I give money to political candidates occasionally, but I don't canvass or make phone calls. I don't belong to any public service organizations.

It doesn't bother me much that I don't do these things, but it does bother me that I'm not bothered by it. I prefer just relaxing and escaping from drama and crisis when possible, which is now almost all the time.

Pop*modern is almost frenetically involved in the arts community, and I mean that as a compliment. So is Ms. Landscape Person, who tried to get me to accompany her to an art auction tomorrow — I declined.

Nurse K wants to go to Africa and work with orphans, and maybe rescue endangered gorillas.

I want breakfast, lunch, a nap and then dinner, plus some time in the back yard with the birds and squirrels.

(Incidentally, I am really shoveling out the bird seed these days. I started out filling the feeders twice a week; now it's almost every day.)

I don't know if I feel this way because I'm basically an introvert, or because I'm just selfish and superficial, or if I have special insight. Surely the Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hanh have better insight than me, and they're not stuffing themselves at Jimmy's Egg then crashing on the futon for the rest of the day.

I figure if I live another five years — that is, five years of just hanging out in coffee shops and my back yard — I'll be able to happily shuffle off this mortal coil in 2013. Frankly, I could probably do it now. I don't hate my life, and I'm certainly not entertaining thoughts of doing away with myself, but I'm not so caught up in the process of existing that I want to desperately cling to it, no matter what.

Well, here's another train of thought that ran out of steam before it reached the station.

Whatever.

More about wu-wei here.

Thursday

I am stuck at home today, waiting for UPS.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

A few brewskis

I posted earlier in the week about having had more to drink than I am comfortable with.

A couple of my friends encouraged this, based on the idea that I might be funnier, friendlier or more entertaining when I'm drunk.

As many of my drinking buddies from my television days could have told them, none of those things happen. I'm just as boring as I am sober, and maybe more so, since the 'fun gap' between me and everyone else widens when we've all been drinking.

I did have the occasional tendency to make an ass of myself, but not in any way that could be construed as being 'the life of the party.' I never lost a friend over things I said or did drunk, but I did strain a couple of friendships.

By the way, I make no apologies for being boring. I don't make being boring a goal, but I recognize that I can't have peace and stability in my life and still chase after drama.

Monday, October 20, 2008

iPhone post

This is the first post from my iPhone.

It's not all that easy, but maybe it will be easier when I've had more practice.

iPhone at last

The USB port by which my Motorola cell phone recharged developed a short or loose connection or something, and stopped recharging reliably. So I went to the Apple store and upgraded myself to the 16GB iPhone.

One thing I discovered early on is that the sound is much clearer than it was on my KRAZR, and I hope this will end the constant need to ask callers to repeat themselves.

I got the wi-fi to work with some success at one location, but not at all at my preferred hangout.

I think I will also be able to text more readily, although I am still uncomfortable with using 'text' as a verb.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Update

Well, I did it again. I read a political chat board.

Why do I keep doing this? It's some sort of attachment. Nothing of any value is said by either side. No minds are changed. No one is enlightened or informed. People — including me — just rant.

So I'm asking myself what I get out of this, and the answer is I don't know. If I could identify the payoff, it would help me to stop.

Saturday

I have nothing to report.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Normalcy

Well, the depression seems to have lifted, as it always does. Maybe the cloudy, rainy weather caused it or exacerbated it.

Anyway, I'm back to my old self.

I've been eating some fresh apples given to me by a friend today. I don't think I've eaten an apple in probably ten years. They're very good.

More bluejays have appeared in my back yard. Blue jays used to frequent my grandmother's yard, about a mile west of where I live, but that was when I was a child. I think I mentioned this previously, but I have rarely seen jays in my adult life.

I have three feeders in my back yard, and I'm having to refill them every other day. Most of the seed is being eaten by small sparrows or finches, but I have a cardinal, some doves and pigeons along with the jays and other miscellaneous birds.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Sense objects

I had the best strawberry shortcake today that I've had in years. Fresh strawberries, real whipped cream, and real shortcake (not the Twinkie-type cake you usually find in stores). It was at The Magnolia Room in the basement of the Cameron Building on Classen.

Tuesday

I'm a little depressed again. As usual, I'm not depressed about anything — I'm just depressed. But things look a little different from this perspective. I can't say that I'm looking at the dark side of things, but the stuff that ought to cheer me up doesn't do anything for me.

Most obviously, I should be happy that my candidate is leading in the polls. But it just leaves me flat. Obama's winning? Okay.

The stock market made a record gain? Okay.

Everything's okay. I can't think of a thing that could cheer me up.

Monday, October 13, 2008

One year ago today

Here's a blog post from one year ago today.

Nothing has changed.

Let's not do that again, shall we?

I got pretty seriously hammered Sunday night — the first time in eight or nine years. Fortunately, Nurse K drove me home. I was in bed by 9 pm, then up and hung over at 11:30. I drank three glasses of water and went back to bed, and woke up about a half hour ago feeling fine. I guess I could even ride my bicycle over to pick up my car, but I'm not going to.

Fortunately, I was with a small group of people, so not very many others had to experience my chardonnay-enhanced personality.

I don't much like sloppy drunks these days, and that includes myself when I'm in the state I was in Sunday night.

It was just an odd confluence of minor random circumstances that led to that, and I feel pretty sure of myself in saying that it will be another eight or nine years before it happens again.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

I guess I can let go of this now

Wall Street has cratered and Americans are looking at their IRA and 401K statements with shock and awe. Still falling in the polls, John McCain is trying to change course from a week of 'incitement to violence' campaigning. GM and Chrysler are talking about a merger to save their asses. But one thing continues to nag at me.

It's that online test that says I think like a woman.

See also here.

If this is true, it explains a lot, but most of it isn't that relevant anymore. For example, it probably sheds some light on my relationship with my father. Although I had a fairly successful career as a reporter and a second brief career as an artist/copywriter, my dad would have preferred to see me become something more 'guy-like' — an auto mechanic or a firefighter, for example — even if it meant making less money. But dad's been dead for eight years, so that's not a relationship I can work on now.

My past relationships with women can also be seen in a new light. I see myself as a kind of holdover from the Phil Donahue/Alan Alda era, rather than a 'beer for my horses' type. Maybe I should have gotten a horse. And some beer. Women sometimes told me I was 'too nice,' and I didn't understand what they meant. Maybe this was it. But the key word in this paragraph is 'past.'

In the present, none of this has much relevance. There's only this moment, and in this moment, what difference does any of this make? I don't see how the 'original mind' can be either feminine or masculine.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Compassion, and the demonstration thereof

I've been presented with several opportunities over the past few weeks to demonstrate compassion. I feel compassion, and I think I have a pretty good awareness of other people's suffering, but when it comes to acting on that compassion, I don't think I've done as good a job.

I have a concern that I will just be sanctimonious or patronizing, and perhaps do more harm than good.

When my father was dying, eight years ago, some people who barely knew him showed up at his bedside. Perhaps their compassion was genuine, but my cynical side led me to suspect they were 'vultures' who constantly showed up at family tragedies to get an emotional 'fix' by offering empty platitudes to the next of kin.

I don't want to appear that way. More importantly, I don't want to be that way, and fool myself into believing my behavior is grounded in genuine compassion when in fact I'm just feeding on other people's pain. I don't think that's the case, but if I'm really fooling myself, how would I know?

There have been other times in my life when friends offered me advice or insight in dealing with my own pain. Their actions were well-intentioned, but their wisdom was misguided or in error. Their suggestions would have caused me a lot of trouble if I had acted on them.

My own life is, at the moment, free of suffering. I think that's due to happy circumstance more than any spiritual attainment, but I'm grateful for the opportunity to be free, regardless of its cause. I wish I had the wisdom to help others find the same rest.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Out in the back yard

...that's where I am this evening. I tried to get a fire going, but the wood wouldn't burn. It got rained on a couple of nights ago. It feels dry to the touch, but I guess it's still too damp to ignite.

Ms. Landscape Person brought some winter flowers for the yard. I guess she'll plant them tomorrow or Friday. She has completely changed the exterior of my home, and entirely for the better.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Facebook

Nina/Christina has announced her intention to shut down her myspace account and move solely to Facebook. I set up a Facebook account several months ago, promptly forgot I had it, and didn't remember it until a friend in the Army 'friended' me from Iraq.

Another guy whom I may not even know 'friended' me shortly afterward. He may be one of the many people I know only on a first-name basis from Sauced or the Red Cup. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and added him. Then Lark 'friended' me, although I think it was about a month before I got onto Facebook and added her.

A few days ago, a woman I worked with in television, whom I haven't seen in at least ten years, 'friended' me, brining my total Facebook friends to three.

So Monday evening, I rummaged around looking for people I knew on Facebook and found a few. Nina/Christina, of course, and pop*modern, aka Larry, and Dan Sparks and DeShan and Cristin and numerous others.

Facebook is certainly easier to look at than myspace. Most pages have only two small text ads, as opposed to the riot of banners and animations that compete for your attention on myspace. And others may disagree, but as a person with a modicum of design and aesthetic sense, I find it pleasing that Facebook doesn't allow users to DIY their home pages.

Monday, October 06, 2008

A word about Josh

I have avoided posting anything about Josh. For those of you not in my local circle of friends, Josh was a 26-year-old man who died an obviously untimely death last week. His funeral was today. He had worked at the Red Cup, along with his brother, and later had a handyman business. He had done repairs at my house and oversaw the painting I had done last fall.

He was greatly loved and had a large circle of friends who are deeply grieving his death.

I mention his passing now only because I don't want people to think I considered it somehow beneath notice in this mostly self-absorbed blog.

I have nothing else to say. I have personal thoughts about it based on my own beliefs as a Buddhist/Taoist, but they will remain personal.

I'm out of touch.

The number one movie at the box office this weekend was a movie I've never even heard of: "Beverly Hills Chihuahua."

When I'm stopped up, I sniffle

Allergy hell. But it's October — it will be over soon.

When I'm hungry, I eat, and when I'm tired, I sleep.

I posted that quote a few months back.

It pretty much summarizes my worldview, but it's not the complete quote, not is it the whole story.

The Japanese Zen master Bankei lived in the 17th century. One day another Zen master's students came to him and said, "Our master has a mantra that gives him the power to perform many great miracles. What miracles can you perform?"

"My miracle is that when I'm hungry I eat, and when I'm tired, I sleep," Bankei replied.

Bankei had no sense that the 'magic tricks' of other Zen teachers trumped his own everyday mind. He was content to do 'nothing' while other teachers performed 'miracles.' Their teachings are forgotten, but Bankei's are immortal.

I wonder how he kept his abs in shape with that regimen.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Friday, October 03, 2008

Friday evening

There are times I am tempted to write things here that I probably should not write, and this is one of those times. I'm no expert, and no philosopher.













So let's just say I have nothing to report.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Sometimes...

Sometimes I'll be sitting doing nothing (my favorite pastime) and I'll suddenly be struck by how perfect a moment is. That picture of my feet is an example. It's just my feet, and it obviously didn't take a lot of physical effort to snap the picture, but I was taken with the moment: the color of the shoes against the red chair, the way the light and shadow played on the shoes — and it happened during a moment of quiet contentedness.

There are other times when I'm in the middle of what is really an innocuous, everyday situation and I find myself thinking, "Holy shit! What the fuck is this?!" I get that feeling in the mall sometimes — too much noise, too much advertising, too many things demanding my attention. I rarely go to a mall anymore. I never go to Quail Springs, which seems more overwhelming to me than Penn Square.

I listen to a lot of Asian music: Indian, Chinese and Japanese. Most of it is either traditional or classical. Some of the Indian stuff is a sort of jazz fusion — usually found in the record store 'world music' section. I've also gotten interested lately in some of the new age stuff done with Tibetan metal bowls, and I listen to some western classical guitar. But almost everything I hear on the radio now, whether rap, country or pop, sounds to me like grating, obnoxious puerile noise. "Whiskey for my men, beer for my horses?" Jesus god.

I was listening to NPR with a friend yesterday and there was a story about the Wall Street bailout: "Seven hundred BILLL-yun dollars!" the announcer exclaimed. And this was NPR. I commented to my friend that I had heard the phrase "Seven hundred BILLL-yun dollars!" about three DOZZ-EN times and it was okay with me if the newscasters just said "seven hundred billion dollars" without the additional histrionics — as if I won't realize it's a lot of money without that exaggerated first syllable. I would like my news, especially my NPR news, in a nice calm monotone, thank you.

Let me talk about this Tibetan sound bowl stuff some more. The best of this music (if "music" is the word for it - some of it is really just nearly-random sounds) really makes you feel as if you've landed in some calm, distant alien environment. It's not 'soothing,' in the sense that elevator music is supposed to be soothing, but it is calming. I don't know how to describe it, exactly, but I really like it. The down side is that the pieces that are not calming tend to be just the opposite: really annoying and irksome. But those are the minority, and any album is going to have pieces you like better than others.