I've probably posted two hundred items since 2005 about my lousy love life. I keep thinking I am done posting about it, especially now. But a new insight is occasionally gained, and I feel led to share it.
If you've read the previous posts on this topic, you know that I'm almost sixty and still waiting for a willowy, ethereal hippie chick type who physically resembles Stevie Nicks circa 1975 and who embodies the character traits of Quan Yin, the east Asian bodhisattva of compassion.
Needless to say, I never met anyone like that. And the ones who came close were looking for someone a little more interesting and entertaining than me.
But looking back on it, I see now that I wasn't looking for a relationship. I never had the emotional energy for that, as women who've actually had relationships with me can attest.
All I was looking for someone who could soothe the pain of my depression when I was feeling it. And when I wasn't depressed, I was perfectly content being alone, and didn't want Stevie Nicks/Quan Yin to be around at all.
I was totally focused on my emotional needs as I perceived them. Her emotional needs? My fantasy woman wouldn't have any, except to make me feel better. That was all I wanted.
And although I understand it now, I can't say it's changed my attitude. It's still self-centered and unrealistic, but it's still what I want.
And, of course, will never have.