Out of the wilderness

I slept through my usual 3-4 am wakeup, but here I am.

I have the sense that I've been sort of wandering in the wilderness this summer. When I retired last year, I had a pretty clear sense of what my life would be like. I expected to stay close to home and lead a simple, contemplative, minimalist lifestyle. It would be strongly influenced by studying zen and taoism.

I sort of got off that path. I sank a bunch of money into clothes I didn't need and was seriously entertaining buying a small convertible. I don't think of the landscaping as quite falling into that category because it makes my own living space more usable, but it was an unplanned expense.

Financially, I haven't created a hardship for myself. But I did let myself fall into some old habits of thinking. You'd have to go back to the early nineties to find a time when I was as concerned about my appearance as I've been lately (well, at least my clothing — I'm still overweight, and that hasn't been such a great concern that I've done anything about it), and I allowed myself to enjoy the flattery and compliments I received.

The farther I got off my path of simplicity and calm, the more stressed out I became. I pushed those concerns to the back of my mind until they wouldn't stay pushed back anymore. In the meantime, the collapsing economy has begun to worry me. I'm planning on this lasting about two years, and I'm not sure what I'll do if it goes longer than that.

I now find myself nostalgic for that time of just a year ago when my life was simpler than it is now.

I'm feeling a lot better physically, but I'm not quite ready to rejoin society.