Solitude really sucks right now. I wondered how I would actually deal with this in a real crisis, and now I know: I don't deal with it well at all. Evenings and overnights are the worst.
I don't think I'm wanting a lover. But I am wanting Quan Yin, that bodhisattva of unlimited compassion, to come and sit with me, sleep beside me, ease me through this time.
It would take a woman of unlimited compassion to go through this experience with me 24/7. It would completely be an act of selfless charity, not something motivated by desire or attraction.
I keep telling myself I am one with everything around me, and that solitude is only an illusion. But at the basic emotional level, it feels like I'm just sitting in a box, out of everybody's way, until I die.
4 comments:
As humans, there are things that we must do alone. No matter how many friends or loved ones we have, facing extreme moments such as the one you are facing now, is a lonely business. I hope you can take some strength from the facts that you are considered with great affection and that you deserve our love and good intentions.
The nature of the experience you're going through is qualitatively different from the nature of the experiences most of us are going through right now. Your uncertainty quotient is much, much higher. The calendar is no longer a tool: It's a reproach. You'd have to be grounded like the Rock of Gibralter in order to be able to reconceptualize this as just another phenomenon.
I have a suggestion. I'm really reluctant to make suggestions, by the way. I'd much rather get you drunk or play Scrabble with you. But I think you ought to hunt down a cancer group, people who have faced, may still be facing, what you're facing. I think their reactions and the way they're processing, have processed experience, would be very meaningful to you right now.
Loved your reports from the anchorman trenches by the way. You do write good!
I know someone who probably feels the same as you and he is within reach. Please keep in mind that you have not been given a death sentence, but rather a challenge. Millions of people are going through and have been through what you are. Medicine has come a long way in treating cancer. You can do it, MCARP. You can beat this and live a wonderful life with new insight.
I will be there soon and I want my two favorite men with me on my next page of life. So fight and fight hard.
Love... love...love you.
Mindovermary
My friends who have had cancer did tell me that they felt - if they reached out that they did not go through their experiences completely alone - only their portion was alone. We are all dying the moment we are born (or so was my philosophy) but Gary taught me that we LIVE with whatever we are given to live with. He LIVED with cancer. He was a joy to be around unless he was sad or hurting and then, because I loved him so much, I still found him to be a joy.
Call forth any bodhisattva to share your time with and they will be there. For that matter, call any friend, of which you have many, and they will be there. No man is an island - he is a peninsula. Isn't it weird that great sickness often brings with it great wisdom? I wonder if that was part of the Plan all along?
Post a Comment