I've probably posted two hundred items since 2005 about my lousy love life. I keep thinking I am done posting about it, especially now. But a new insight is occasionally gained, and I feel led to share it.
If you've read the previous posts on this topic, you know that I'm almost sixty and still waiting for a willowy, ethereal hippie chick type who physically resembles Stevie Nicks circa 1975 and who embodies the character traits of Quan Yin, the east Asian bodhisattva of compassion.
Needless to say, I never met anyone like that. And the ones who came close were looking for someone a little more interesting and entertaining than me.
But looking back on it, I see now that I wasn't looking for a relationship. I never had the emotional energy for that, as women who've actually had relationships with me can attest.
All I was looking for someone who could soothe the pain of my depression when I was feeling it. And when I wasn't depressed, I was perfectly content being alone, and didn't want Stevie Nicks/Quan Yin to be around at all.
I was totally focused on my emotional needs as I perceived them. Her emotional needs? My fantasy woman wouldn't have any, except to make me feel better. That was all I wanted.
And although I understand it now, I can't say it's changed my attitude. It's still self-centered and unrealistic, but it's still what I want.
And, of course, will never have.
6 comments:
Glad to see you posting in your blog again. FB is good for the social buzz, but it's hard to write anything of substance there.
Don't have the privilege of knowing you in real life. I will say that online, yes, you do seem more self-involved than other people. Is that something you want to change? Or are you comfortable with it? I think you could have a relationship if you were willing to be told when you were being too self-involved and agreed to do something about it.
Romantic thoughts are life-affirming, so I'm glad you're entertaining them. :-)
I think my self-centeredness stems from having to be so focused on taking care of myself as a kid. I had no siblings, and my parents were mostly absent from about age 7 on.
At this point in my life, it doesn't seem like something I need to devote a lot of energy to changing. I'm still pretty much a loner and a raging introvert, so I have to focus a lot on taking care of my own needs.
As far as romantic thoughts go, it was hard enough to make a case for myself as a boyfriend before I got sick. I don't know how I would do it now.
I am happy to read a post on your blog again. FB is not for me.
Regarding your post: Well, that's exactly the way I've always viewed you. But congratulations for finally having realized it yourself as well! Not everyone ever does, y'know?
Brigitte
Another thing I'll mention here. I seem to have a hard time being emotionally present even for many of my friendships. I think I have a fundamental difference of opinion with some of my friends about what a friendship actually involves.
Hi Mike,
I just wanted to send my warm regards and say I'm thinking of you from far away. I only wish you the very best. Love, Kathryn
Hahaha...i got to missing you and took to internet stalking, when i found this gem. Gee l love you.
Q.Y.
PS
You should update this thing. You and your mind are profound and beautiful.
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