Green autumn

Blogblah! raises the question, via Twitter, of whether the grass in our city has ever been this green this late in the year. I don't know the answer to that. I do remember that on Christmas Day 1979, the afternoon high here was 71.

I went out to a restaurant on the lake last night with Flibbertigibbet and spent a couple of hours there watching the sun set. It got a bit chilly after sunset.

I thought the East Wharf development was a good idea as originally proposed and was very disappointed with the final product — especially the addition of the office building. I thought the whole thing was overdone. But sitting out there last night, I decided that what's needed now is more development — houseboats, for example. I think there are good reasons why houseboats aren't allowed out there. But it would be cool to sit by the lake at night and watch the boats rocking gently at their moorings on a pier or two.

And pretty cool to live there!

A Dead Cat

One of the neighborhood cats was killed by a car this evening. It was a black shorthair that lived on the next block over. I saw him almost every day on the way to the Red Cup. In fact, I saw him this afternoon, galloping across the street. I don't know most of my neighbors, but I feel like I know their cats.

I'm a little upset by it.

Depression

...chapter 107 or whatever.

Finally broke out of it a couple of weeks ago, after spending the whole summer holed up in the house. But now it's coming back, and I can feel it coming on like a cold.

I'm sleeping a little bit later every day. I'm more acutely aware of past failures and current shortcomings. I'm feeling alone again, but wanting to disengage from people nonetheless.

More reading.

After finishing "The Harvard Psychedelic Club", I decided to bookend that with "The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test", which I had somehow managed to avoid reading all these years. (I am not nearly as well-read as some people think I am.)

Did you know Ken Kesey wrote "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" when he was 24 years old?

Still No Teacher

I watched a somewhat unsettling YouTube video the other day pertaining to Zen. In the tape, a young self-styled 'punk' Zen master 'debates' a sock puppet who represents an older, well-established (and apparently quite commercialized) Zen master. The video is followed by dozens of heated comments by supporters of both masters.

Maybe you've seen it. I'm not going into all the details, nor am I going to link to it. I have no desire to spread the antagonism.

I only want to say that this is the kind of thing that reinforces my continuing desire to have no teacher at all.

One of the great disillusions I suffered as a fundamentalist Christian 40-odd years ago was the discovery that many (or most) of the people I looked to as spiritual leaders were not much more than actors. They would have been just as comfortable being siding salesmen, and probably every bit as sincere.

I read about some of the stuff that goes on in Buddhist temples and organizations, and I suspect the same truth applies there.

One of the things I like about the lecturer and philosopher Alan Watts is that he frequently prefaced his presentations with the admonition that he was not a guru and not seeking followers.

"I am not advocating zen buddhism," he once told an audience. "I am not trying to convert anyone to it. I have nothing to sell. I’m an entertainer. That is to say, in the same sense, that when you go to a concert and you listen to someone play Mozart, he has nothing to sell except the sound of the music. He doesn’t want to convert you to anything. He doesn’t want you to join an organization in favor of Mozart’s music as opposed to, say, Beethoven’s."

I am near the conclusion that anyone who wants to set himself up as a leader or authority over other people – even in a democracy like ours – ought to be automatically disqualified from doing it. The very act of seeking the position suggests the person is too much of a narcissist, egomaniac or control freak to be any good at it.

Saturday Update

I guess I'm about ten days back into my normal schedule. I'm up early and usually off to the Red Cup to visit.

I tried drinking coffee again. You may recall I gave up caffeine a few years ago to calm my stomach. I tried limiting myself to one cup in the morning, but I was soon back to stomach cramps and EAS by late afternoon. So it's tap water for me from now on.

After the Red Cup, I generally go somewhere for breakfast. My appetite has unfortunately returned to normal. After breakfast, I often go for a walk.

Then I head back home, and may eat lunch around 1.

I spend a lot of time visiting and hanging out with my friends Diane and Kathryn. And I occasionally make it to Wednesday or Friday group dinner.

I have to say there are some advantages to being depressed.I find that when I'm depressed, I'm less prone to amusing myself by going for shopping for stuff I don't actually need. (And at this stage, 'don't actually need' encompasses pretty much everything. I could get by with never shopping again, except for groceries.)

This probably seems counter-intuitive, but I feel less lonely when I'm depressed. During my depression, I'm content to just stay in bed and sleep all day. It's when the depression has lifted, and I'm in the mood for a road trip or a movie, that I'm most likely to wish I had some sort of significant other with which to share the experience.

Another thing that's counter-intuitive: I'm less likely to drink when I'm depressed.

I'm continuing to immerse myself in the recorded lectures of Alan Watts.

Random Notes

Ordered a book called "The Harvard Psychedelic Club" last week after hearing its author interviewed on public radio's "New Dimensions" last Sunday. The book is a popular history of the psychedelic drug experiments performed by Harvard professors Timothy Leary and Richard Alpert in the early sixties, and what happened to them and their associates after that. It was a fascinating book; I read it in one sitting.

It also led to some other books I am now working my way through. I'll write more on those later.

I'm also listening to a new (to me) collection of Alan Watts lectures released as "You're It: On Hiding, Seeking and Being Found" on the Sounds True label. I don't understand the impact Watts' recorded lectures have on me. I don't have a word to describe it. I would recommend his lectures to anyone suffering stress or anxiety. It's not just the subject matter, which is, of course, what first interested me. Watts could be reading the phone directory aloud and I would still get a sense of ease and relaxation from listening.

Watts, incidentally, was peripherally involved at the outset of the Leary/Alpert experiments at Harvard, at least according to the book. That must have been an interesting time in which to have lived. I was 10 years old when Leary and Alpert left Harvard.

My sleep cycle is now back to normal. I'm going to bed between nine and ten pm, sleeping fitfully, as I have for years. I wake up between 6:30 and 7:30 am. Some days I'll have a midday nap.

I started drinking coffee again recently, but that will have to stop. I didn't drink coffee until I was in my twenties, and I've always taken it black. I first stopped about four years ago. Coffee still screws up my stomach, I've found, so I'm going to swear off again.

Saturday

More to come...

Judge not

A friend told me the other day that I was the most judgemental person she knew.

That may be an exaggeration. But it's true I've often been an overly critical person. I've really struggled with it over the past ten years or so, with only middling results. I did pretty well with it for awhile, but lately I've been worse about it.

October is here

...thank God. Just saw a flock of ducks heading east, for whatever reason.

I seem to have my sleep cycle back to normal. I still wake up at night, but I just roll over and go back to sleep. I don't end up at IHOP or Beverly's.

I've gone walking three days in a row, now that the heat is no longer stifling.

I'm eating breakfast and lunch, but still skipping dinner.