Blogblah! raises the question, via Twitter, of whether the grass in our city has ever been this green this late in the year. I don't know the answer to that. I do remember that on Christmas Day 1979, the afternoon high here was 71.
I went out to a restaurant on the lake last night with Flibbertigibbet and spent a couple of hours there watching the sun set. It got a bit chilly after sunset.
I thought the East Wharf development was a good idea as originally proposed and was very disappointed with the final product — especially the addition of the office building. I thought the whole thing was overdone. But sitting out there last night, I decided that what's needed now is more development — houseboats, for example. I think there are good reasons why houseboats aren't allowed out there. But it would be cool to sit by the lake at night and watch the boats rocking gently at their moorings on a pier or two.
And pretty cool to live there!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
A Dead Cat
One of the neighborhood cats was killed by a car this evening. It was a black shorthair that lived on the next block over. I saw him almost every day on the way to the Red Cup. In fact, I saw him this afternoon, galloping across the street. I don't know most of my neighbors, but I feel like I know their cats.
I'm a little upset by it.
I'm a little upset by it.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Depression
...chapter 107 or whatever.
Finally broke out of it a couple of weeks ago, after spending the whole summer holed up in the house. But now it's coming back, and I can feel it coming on like a cold.
I'm sleeping a little bit later every day. I'm more acutely aware of past failures and current shortcomings. I'm feeling alone again, but wanting to disengage from people nonetheless.
Finally broke out of it a couple of weeks ago, after spending the whole summer holed up in the house. But now it's coming back, and I can feel it coming on like a cold.
I'm sleeping a little bit later every day. I'm more acutely aware of past failures and current shortcomings. I'm feeling alone again, but wanting to disengage from people nonetheless.
Friday, October 22, 2010
More reading.
After finishing "The Harvard Psychedelic Club", I decided to bookend that with "The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test", which I had somehow managed to avoid reading all these years. (I am not nearly as well-read as some people think I am.)
Did you know Ken Kesey wrote "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" when he was 24 years old?
Did you know Ken Kesey wrote "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" when he was 24 years old?
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Still No Teacher
I watched a somewhat unsettling YouTube video the other day pertaining to Zen. In the tape, a young self-styled 'punk' Zen master 'debates' a sock puppet who represents an older, well-established (and apparently quite commercialized) Zen master. The video is followed by dozens of heated comments by supporters of both masters.
Maybe you've seen it. I'm not going into all the details, nor am I going to link to it. I have no desire to spread the antagonism.
I only want to say that this is the kind of thing that reinforces my continuing desire to have no teacher at all.
One of the great disillusions I suffered as a fundamentalist Christian 40-odd years ago was the discovery that many (or most) of the people I looked to as spiritual leaders were not much more than actors. They would have been just as comfortable being siding salesmen, and probably every bit as sincere.
I read about some of the stuff that goes on in Buddhist temples and organizations, and I suspect the same truth applies there.
One of the things I like about the lecturer and philosopher Alan Watts is that he frequently prefaced his presentations with the admonition that he was not a guru and not seeking followers.
"I am not advocating zen buddhism," he once told an audience. "I am not trying to convert anyone to it. I have nothing to sell. I’m an entertainer. That is to say, in the same sense, that when you go to a concert and you listen to someone play Mozart, he has nothing to sell except the sound of the music. He doesn’t want to convert you to anything. He doesn’t want you to join an organization in favor of Mozart’s music as opposed to, say, Beethoven’s."
I am near the conclusion that anyone who wants to set himself up as a leader or authority over other people – even in a democracy like ours – ought to be automatically disqualified from doing it. The very act of seeking the position suggests the person is too much of a narcissist, egomaniac or control freak to be any good at it.
Maybe you've seen it. I'm not going into all the details, nor am I going to link to it. I have no desire to spread the antagonism.
I only want to say that this is the kind of thing that reinforces my continuing desire to have no teacher at all.
One of the great disillusions I suffered as a fundamentalist Christian 40-odd years ago was the discovery that many (or most) of the people I looked to as spiritual leaders were not much more than actors. They would have been just as comfortable being siding salesmen, and probably every bit as sincere.
I read about some of the stuff that goes on in Buddhist temples and organizations, and I suspect the same truth applies there.
One of the things I like about the lecturer and philosopher Alan Watts is that he frequently prefaced his presentations with the admonition that he was not a guru and not seeking followers.
"I am not advocating zen buddhism," he once told an audience. "I am not trying to convert anyone to it. I have nothing to sell. I’m an entertainer. That is to say, in the same sense, that when you go to a concert and you listen to someone play Mozart, he has nothing to sell except the sound of the music. He doesn’t want to convert you to anything. He doesn’t want you to join an organization in favor of Mozart’s music as opposed to, say, Beethoven’s."
I am near the conclusion that anyone who wants to set himself up as a leader or authority over other people – even in a democracy like ours – ought to be automatically disqualified from doing it. The very act of seeking the position suggests the person is too much of a narcissist, egomaniac or control freak to be any good at it.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Saturday Update
I guess I'm about ten days back into my normal schedule. I'm up early and usually off to the Red Cup to visit.
I tried drinking coffee again. You may recall I gave up caffeine a few years ago to calm my stomach. I tried limiting myself to one cup in the morning, but I was soon back to stomach cramps and EAS by late afternoon. So it's tap water for me from now on.
After the Red Cup, I generally go somewhere for breakfast. My appetite has unfortunately returned to normal. After breakfast, I often go for a walk.
Then I head back home, and may eat lunch around 1.
I spend a lot of time visiting and hanging out with my friends Diane and Kathryn. And I occasionally make it to Wednesday or Friday group dinner.
I have to say there are some advantages to being depressed.I find that when I'm depressed, I'm less prone to amusing myself by going for shopping for stuff I don't actually need. (And at this stage, 'don't actually need' encompasses pretty much everything. I could get by with never shopping again, except for groceries.)
This probably seems counter-intuitive, but I feel less lonely when I'm depressed. During my depression, I'm content to just stay in bed and sleep all day. It's when the depression has lifted, and I'm in the mood for a road trip or a movie, that I'm most likely to wish I had some sort of significant other with which to share the experience.
Another thing that's counter-intuitive: I'm less likely to drink when I'm depressed.
I'm continuing to immerse myself in the recorded lectures of Alan Watts.
I tried drinking coffee again. You may recall I gave up caffeine a few years ago to calm my stomach. I tried limiting myself to one cup in the morning, but I was soon back to stomach cramps and EAS by late afternoon. So it's tap water for me from now on.
After the Red Cup, I generally go somewhere for breakfast. My appetite has unfortunately returned to normal. After breakfast, I often go for a walk.
Then I head back home, and may eat lunch around 1.
I spend a lot of time visiting and hanging out with my friends Diane and Kathryn. And I occasionally make it to Wednesday or Friday group dinner.
I have to say there are some advantages to being depressed.I find that when I'm depressed, I'm less prone to amusing myself by going for shopping for stuff I don't actually need. (And at this stage, 'don't actually need' encompasses pretty much everything. I could get by with never shopping again, except for groceries.)
This probably seems counter-intuitive, but I feel less lonely when I'm depressed. During my depression, I'm content to just stay in bed and sleep all day. It's when the depression has lifted, and I'm in the mood for a road trip or a movie, that I'm most likely to wish I had some sort of significant other with which to share the experience.
Another thing that's counter-intuitive: I'm less likely to drink when I'm depressed.
I'm continuing to immerse myself in the recorded lectures of Alan Watts.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Random Notes
Ordered a book called "The Harvard Psychedelic Club" last week after hearing its author interviewed on public radio's "New Dimensions" last Sunday. The book is a popular history of the psychedelic drug experiments performed by Harvard professors Timothy Leary and Richard Alpert in the early sixties, and what happened to them and their associates after that. It was a fascinating book; I read it in one sitting.
It also led to some other books I am now working my way through. I'll write more on those later.
I'm also listening to a new (to me) collection of Alan Watts lectures released as "You're It: On Hiding, Seeking and Being Found" on the Sounds True label. I don't understand the impact Watts' recorded lectures have on me. I don't have a word to describe it. I would recommend his lectures to anyone suffering stress or anxiety. It's not just the subject matter, which is, of course, what first interested me. Watts could be reading the phone directory aloud and I would still get a sense of ease and relaxation from listening.
Watts, incidentally, was peripherally involved at the outset of the Leary/Alpert experiments at Harvard, at least according to the book. That must have been an interesting time in which to have lived. I was 10 years old when Leary and Alpert left Harvard.
My sleep cycle is now back to normal. I'm going to bed between nine and ten pm, sleeping fitfully, as I have for years. I wake up between 6:30 and 7:30 am. Some days I'll have a midday nap.
I started drinking coffee again recently, but that will have to stop. I didn't drink coffee until I was in my twenties, and I've always taken it black. I first stopped about four years ago. Coffee still screws up my stomach, I've found, so I'm going to swear off again.
It also led to some other books I am now working my way through. I'll write more on those later.
I'm also listening to a new (to me) collection of Alan Watts lectures released as "You're It: On Hiding, Seeking and Being Found" on the Sounds True label. I don't understand the impact Watts' recorded lectures have on me. I don't have a word to describe it. I would recommend his lectures to anyone suffering stress or anxiety. It's not just the subject matter, which is, of course, what first interested me. Watts could be reading the phone directory aloud and I would still get a sense of ease and relaxation from listening.
Watts, incidentally, was peripherally involved at the outset of the Leary/Alpert experiments at Harvard, at least according to the book. That must have been an interesting time in which to have lived. I was 10 years old when Leary and Alpert left Harvard.
My sleep cycle is now back to normal. I'm going to bed between nine and ten pm, sleeping fitfully, as I have for years. I wake up between 6:30 and 7:30 am. Some days I'll have a midday nap.
I started drinking coffee again recently, but that will have to stop. I didn't drink coffee until I was in my twenties, and I've always taken it black. I first stopped about four years ago. Coffee still screws up my stomach, I've found, so I'm going to swear off again.
Saturday, October 09, 2010
Sunday, October 03, 2010
Judge not
A friend told me the other day that I was the most judgemental person she knew.
That may be an exaggeration. But it's true I've often been an overly critical person. I've really struggled with it over the past ten years or so, with only middling results. I did pretty well with it for awhile, but lately I've been worse about it.
That may be an exaggeration. But it's true I've often been an overly critical person. I've really struggled with it over the past ten years or so, with only middling results. I did pretty well with it for awhile, but lately I've been worse about it.
Saturday, October 02, 2010
October is here
...thank God. Just saw a flock of ducks heading east, for whatever reason.
I seem to have my sleep cycle back to normal. I still wake up at night, but I just roll over and go back to sleep. I don't end up at IHOP or Beverly's.
I've gone walking three days in a row, now that the heat is no longer stifling.
I'm eating breakfast and lunch, but still skipping dinner.
I seem to have my sleep cycle back to normal. I still wake up at night, but I just roll over and go back to sleep. I don't end up at IHOP or Beverly's.
I've gone walking three days in a row, now that the heat is no longer stifling.
I'm eating breakfast and lunch, but still skipping dinner.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Still adrift
Sleep an hour, up two hours. Sleep three hours, up five hours. Sleep two hours, up three hours. Repeat.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Early Sunday morning. It is Sunday, isn't it?
Not that I care.
I'm sitting in the Classen Blvd IHOP at 2:05 AM. The place is packed. I wonder if it's like this every night or if this is a weekend phenomenon. Either way, the place is a lot busier than Beverly's usually is.
Needless to say, my sleep cycle is still upside down. But over the past few days, I've started to not care. My daily life is about the same if I'm awake during the day or awake during the night.
I've ordered a breakfast T-bone and scrambled eggs. That's about a million calories, but it's probably the only thing I'll eat today. I'm down to eating once a day.
I realized I'm tired of food. Tired of looking at it, tired of smelling it, tired of eating it. I've eaten every kind of food I care to try; I seek no new culinary experience. Now it's just some biomass to shove in my maw to keep my meatbag producing shit, piss, sweat, pus, puke, dandruff, etc.
Damn, this is a big steak.
I'm sitting in the Classen Blvd IHOP at 2:05 AM. The place is packed. I wonder if it's like this every night or if this is a weekend phenomenon. Either way, the place is a lot busier than Beverly's usually is.
Needless to say, my sleep cycle is still upside down. But over the past few days, I've started to not care. My daily life is about the same if I'm awake during the day or awake during the night.
I've ordered a breakfast T-bone and scrambled eggs. That's about a million calories, but it's probably the only thing I'll eat today. I'm down to eating once a day.
I realized I'm tired of food. Tired of looking at it, tired of smelling it, tired of eating it. I've eaten every kind of food I care to try; I seek no new culinary experience. Now it's just some biomass to shove in my maw to keep my meatbag producing shit, piss, sweat, pus, puke, dandruff, etc.
Damn, this is a big steak.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Man, there are a lot of posts here about sleeping
...and this is another one. I'm not sleeping as much as I was before I quit taking the allergy medicine, and when I'm awake, I'm more like my normal self. But I'm still sleeping strange hours. I went to bed at 9:30ish Sunday night after a fairly normal day. I felt sleepy, and I thought I'd fall asleep right away. But as soon as I got settled into bed, I was wide awake. I had brought Bailey in, and she was restless, too.
I finally got up about 3 AM and went to Beverly's and ate. Then I came home, and finally got to sleep about 5 Monday mornng. I slept soundly until 11:30 AM. I got up and went to lunch with a friend. Sleepy again, I came home and dozed lightly until about 2 in the afternoon.
I went to bed at 10 PM, slept about ninety minutes, then woke up again.
And here I am. I guess Tuesday will be more of the same.
I finally got up about 3 AM and went to Beverly's and ate. Then I came home, and finally got to sleep about 5 Monday mornng. I slept soundly until 11:30 AM. I got up and went to lunch with a friend. Sleepy again, I came home and dozed lightly until about 2 in the afternoon.
I went to bed at 10 PM, slept about ninety minutes, then woke up again.
And here I am. I guess Tuesday will be more of the same.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Guess it was the allergy medicine
I skipped my evening dose of Zyrtec last night and felt like a new person today.
Zyrtec is the best thing I've ever taken for allergies. Typically in September, I'm sneezing and coughing all day, every day. Some days, my eyes are swollen almost shut. Zyrtec gave me more relief from the symptoms than anything I've ever used. I've gone through my allergy season this September with almost no symptoms at all.
The down side is that I've been sleeping sometimes 20 hours a day, and when I've been awake, it's been like looking at the world through two inches of glass. I suppose that could be just coincidence, but today was the first 'normal' day I've had in weeks – months, maybe.
The question now is whether I'll have a return of allergy symptoms. If I do, I guess I'll go back to taking Zyrtec on a limited basis. But I'm pretty sure I won't be taking it every day again.
It feels good to be back in what passes for reality.
Zyrtec is the best thing I've ever taken for allergies. Typically in September, I'm sneezing and coughing all day, every day. Some days, my eyes are swollen almost shut. Zyrtec gave me more relief from the symptoms than anything I've ever used. I've gone through my allergy season this September with almost no symptoms at all.
The down side is that I've been sleeping sometimes 20 hours a day, and when I've been awake, it's been like looking at the world through two inches of glass. I suppose that could be just coincidence, but today was the first 'normal' day I've had in weeks – months, maybe.
The question now is whether I'll have a return of allergy symptoms. If I do, I guess I'll go back to taking Zyrtec on a limited basis. But I'm pretty sure I won't be taking it every day again.
It feels good to be back in what passes for reality.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Yawn
Went back to sleep about 4:30 am. Woke up about 9:30, looked around the Very Dark Room, and decided to go back to sleep. Slept soundly until noon. Woke up, looked around the Very Dark Room, and decided to go back to sleep. Woke up about 4, got out of bed about 6, went to dinner with DianeC, and now I'm back in bed, trying to stay awake long enough to finish this.
I'm wondering now if my allergy medicine is contributing to this.
I'm wondering now if my allergy medicine is contributing to this.
More on sleeping
Staying awake is still the biggest struggle of my day. I'm getting up at a fairly normal hour now, but I'm often groggy and a bit disoriented. I stay up through lunch, then go home and go back to sleep. I usually sleep very soundly until 2 pm to 3 pm, then get up again. Thursday, I went back to bed at about 10 pm, and woke up again right at midnight. It's early Friday morning as I write this.
I wrote a few months ago about my One Productive Task goal, in which I would simply try to do one prductive task each day. I haven't kept that up for weeks now. On the other hand, since I'm asleep all the time, I don't have much opportunity to mess the place up.
I wrote a few months ago about my One Productive Task goal, in which I would simply try to do one prductive task each day. I haven't kept that up for weeks now. On the other hand, since I'm asleep all the time, I don't have much opportunity to mess the place up.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Awake
Well, on Sunday I got up at 3 pm and ate something, then went back to bed and didn't get up again until 7 pm. That's when I was actually 'up'.
Today, though, I was up at 10:30 am — pretty good for me — and actually spent most of the day awake and doing stuff. That's a step forward.
Today, though, I was up at 10:30 am — pretty good for me — and actually spent most of the day awake and doing stuff. That's a step forward.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
About That Quote
dzaster asks why I posted that quote about priorities and options. I think it sums up a lesson which I learned too late in life to do me much good, but which might be beneficial to others.
It's easy to overcommit. Well, for some of us, anyway. Easy to overcommit in a new romantic relationship, easy to overcommit to a job or an employer. Easy to overcommit in a variety of ways.
When an employer talks about welcoming you to the "Fahrquahr Humate Corporation family," that's usually bullshit. It's not a family, it's a business. They would like for you to think it's a family, and make your job a priority. But unless you can make humate fly out of your ass, you are probably just an option to them. There's an imbalance in the relationship, which will become more clear if there's a sudden glut in the humate market.
I don't think I need to go into the issues of a romantic relationship. Let's just say it happens, sometimes because one partner encourages the other to overcommit, and sometimes because one partner is just prone to overcommitting.
The bottom line is, make sure your relationships are balanced.
It's easy to overcommit. Well, for some of us, anyway. Easy to overcommit in a new romantic relationship, easy to overcommit to a job or an employer. Easy to overcommit in a variety of ways.
When an employer talks about welcoming you to the "Fahrquahr Humate Corporation family," that's usually bullshit. It's not a family, it's a business. They would like for you to think it's a family, and make your job a priority. But unless you can make humate fly out of your ass, you are probably just an option to them. There's an imbalance in the relationship, which will become more clear if there's a sudden glut in the humate market.
I don't think I need to go into the issues of a romantic relationship. Let's just say it happens, sometimes because one partner encourages the other to overcommit, and sometimes because one partner is just prone to overcommitting.
The bottom line is, make sure your relationships are balanced.
A Pleasant Walk
I'm feeling a lot better tonight than I have for most of the summer.
I ate a late lunch with a friend at an Italian restaurant downtown. This restaurant is only about five minutes from my house, but I tend to think of it as outside my 'bubble.' I haven't eaten there in four years or more.
After we ate, I took my friend on a walking tour of downtown. She was planning to see an event in the Kerr Auditorium later in the evening, but she didn't know where it was, so I walked her over there. I suspect most people don't even know we have a Kerr Auditorium; it's part of the old Kerr-McGee complex now owned by Sandridge Energy. I don't think I've been in it since the eighties.
We spent about thirty minutes walking around downtown, and afterward, I felt as close to normal as I've felt in weeks. I guess I really needed to spend some time outdoors.
I ate a late lunch with a friend at an Italian restaurant downtown. This restaurant is only about five minutes from my house, but I tend to think of it as outside my 'bubble.' I haven't eaten there in four years or more.
After we ate, I took my friend on a walking tour of downtown. She was planning to see an event in the Kerr Auditorium later in the evening, but she didn't know where it was, so I walked her over there. I suspect most people don't even know we have a Kerr Auditorium; it's part of the old Kerr-McGee complex now owned by Sandridge Energy. I don't think I've been in it since the eighties.
We spent about thirty minutes walking around downtown, and afterward, I felt as close to normal as I've felt in weeks. I guess I really needed to spend some time outdoors.
Somebody's words of wisdom
"Never allow someone to be your priority while you're just their option."
— origin unknown
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