Follow-up

Okay, Blogger seems to be working again, and I've had a night's sleep.

The key thing I lack as an artist is self-discipline. Actually, the key thing I lack as a human being is self-discipline. There's an upside to that: I haven't spent a whole lot of the waking hours of my life doing stuff I don't enjoy doing. A lot of people have spent more time waxing floors, washing cars, folding laundry and raking leaves than I have. I have had a lot more free time over my life to do whatever I wanted to do, even if what I wanted to do was just pointless doodling or typing.

I have a friend who is an artist – a real artist, not an occasional doodler like me. She told me once that I made her feel inadequate because she thought I was so much better an artist than she. At some level, I replied, that might be true. I might understand color better than her. I might be a better draftsman than her. My understanding of anatomy, perspective and foreshortening may exceed hers.

But over the past ten years or so, she has produced dozens of pieces, some of which you have no doubt seen if you've been around the city art scene during that time. I, on the other hand, have produced not a single finished work, unless you consider a flyer urging people to pick up their dog's shit to be a gallery-quality achievement.

The reason she is an artist and I am not is that she has a measure of self-discipline I lack. And that is as crucial to art, whether it be painting, singing, dance or whatever, as any natural knack for perspective or warm vs cool shading.

So, to get back to the Red Cup festival, I got to watch a lot of people who all have – every single one of them – more self-discipline than I do. And seeing that makes me think about what I've made of my life, which is not much.

This is a dangerous way to think. It doesn't necessarily lead to a burst of resolve that makes a man out of Mac. (Reference for those needing it here.) Comparing oneself to others is pretty much a no-win situation. I am not them, they are not me, I am not you, etc.

But I have regrets – not many, but some – about the way I've lived my life. I see people doing something they clearly enjoy, and which I might have enjoyed doing myself if I'd had the self-discipline to learn how, and I wonder if I didn't really screw up.

This is still not going anywhere, though. I need to think on it some more.