Trouble letting go

I decided a couple of years ago to look Jan up. I had forgotten her last name. All I remembered was 'Jan,' and that she had blonde hair, and that we had hung out together some.

In the first grade.

I never found her.

I think I have written about Googling Anita (that sounds like a John Cusack movie, doesn't it?), and finding one reference to her in a page deleted from a website but still cached in the Google index. I had known her in the early eighties. We worked in the same newsroom.

"You know what your problem is?" she asked. She didn't wait for an answer. "You're moody, temperamental and weird."

So of course I fell in love. I impulsively asked her to go to California with me. She declined. We stayed in touch for a while, but then she dropped out of sight. The web site referred to her, or at least a person sharing her name from the same part of the country, as the guest speaker at a 'prophetic prayer conference.'

Then there was someone who shall remain nameless, since she is still in town and you would recognize the name.

"You know what your problem is?" she asked. "You're dull and you're boring. And you're hooked on Moon Pies."

So of course I fell in love. But she was secretly dating the ne'er-do-well heir to the Fahrquahr Humate fortune and had never told me because it was on the DL, although no one said it that way that back then.

Crushed and humiliated, I didn't eat Moon Pies for four years, and had a small celebration when I finally defiantly bought one and ate it.

You think I'd crumble... you think I'd lay down and die. Oh no, not I. I will survive.

I also still think about my ex a lot. I wish I could make things better for her.