Random Notes: Meditation, Manic Episodes and Me

I did meditation last night for the first time in a month.

I went through a period where I was depressed and physically uncomfortable and just didn't want to do it. That was followed by a brief period of unusually high spirits, and I still didn't want to do it. Eventually my brain chemistry settled back into its normal state, and I began feeling a new desire for meditation about four days ago.

I want to say something about the unusually high spirits. My normal state is one that most of my friends consider mildly or perhaps seriously depressed. They think my life is boring, and can't imagine anyone would want to live this way, but it's the lifestyle with which I am most comfortable. I don't have as much excitement in my life as they have in theirs, but neither do I have all the drama and intrigue.

The period of high spirits began at roughly the time I was flirting with the thirtysomething woman about whom I wrote previously. I knew as I was doing it that it was very out of character for me, and I suspected at the time I was having what, for me, constitutes a 'manic episode'. I am pleased to say the thing played itself out without me getting my feelings hurt or my heart broken, and without leaving other people with the impression that I'm some sort of creepy stalker. Previous infatuations have usually ended with much bumpier landings.

In other news, Zen is starting to bore me. I think I've gotten from it all I'm going to get from it. I understand that I don't see things exactly as they are, and that my view will always be clouded by perceptions, desires, biases and prejudices. I will always work to overcome them, but my understanding will never be perfectly clear.

But I'm not going to move to another city so I can join a zen center. The whole thing about the robes and the chanting and the Japanese middle name doesn't have much appeal for me. I suspect a lot of people get into that stuff because the process gives them a sense of accomplishment, of making progress in some way.

I don't need to feel like I'm making progress. I realize I have a mind best suited to napping on the front porch, watching clouds, listening to birds sing and saying hello to stray dogs and cats, and I'm going to stick to what I do best.