108 Days of Gratitude - Day 14

But first, this:

I sort of know what I want to write here, and yet I don't.

As I think I mentioned several days ago, I have been feeling a little more 'aware', for lack of a better word, over the past few months than I previously had.

It's as if I had been lightly drugged for perhaps two or three years, and suddenly the drug wore off.

When there's a full moon, I always stop and look at it. And I look at it alone. It's been that way for years and years. I can't tell you the last time I sat and looked at the moon with a companion or partner.

During the time that I seemed as if I was lightly drugged, I had eventually reached a state of equanimity regarding that. I had settled into my place in the universe, found the flow of the Tao, and saw that whether I understand or don't understand, things are just as they are.

Now, suddenly, that answer seems inadequate. It's still the correct answer – I remain convinced of that. But it's an answer that, at the moment, doesn't satisfy.

Yes, this is craving. This is attachment. It's a spiritual shortcoming to be experiencing this. At the moment, I don't care.

I am at a crossroads. In one direction, I can turn the flute and singing bowl music back on. I can meditate, sit quietly, and lull myself back into that sense of being mildly drugged. The craving and attachment will not disappear, but they will subside to a point I won't  be continually distracted by them.

Or I can forge ahead on the other path, down which I have gone before. I have no reason to believe this trip will end any differently than the others did – with either someone overcommitting to me and suffocating me, or me overcommitting to someone else, and receiving yet another patient explanation about how I'm a nice guy, but I don't offer drrrrama, passion, glamor and intrigue! and blah and blah blurp snort fart grunt.

I said I wasn't going to talk about this for a year, because I talk and talk about it and nothing ever changes. But it seems as if something has changed. It hasn't changed enough to produce a different outcome. I'm no thinner, younger, better-looking or more outgoing than I was before.

But I'm sort of slogging ahead into that emotional quagmire, doing the same I do over and over, hoping against all common sense for different results.

108 Days - Day 14

I'll toss this in while I'm at the computer. I'm grateful for my home and neighborhood. I own my home free and clear. No bank can take it from me.

My neighborhood is on a seesaw. It could go either way. A block to the north, they're rehabbing and gentrifying along NW 16th. A block to the west, they've busted meth labs and crack houses.

But my little corner of the neighborhood is doing well. A new family has moved in across the street, and following the lead of the previous owners, sunk thousands of dollars into upgrades and improvements. When I first moved here ten years ago, the owner at the time was in the process of evicting a heavy metal wannabe band. The sheriff had to forcibly remove them, and crews in contamination suits had to come in and make the place bearable for remodeling contractors. They pulled about twenty big lawn bags full of garbage and trash out of the house. It has come a long way since then.

My newest neighbor on the east is a young woman who is executive director of a nearby neighborhood commercial district that is enjoying a revival after decades of neglect and deterioration. She's been very active in working to improve the neighborhood. She has a lot of energy and drive, which we need around here. She's also an artist, and it's pleasant to have another creative person nearby. I'm grateful for her presence and her commitment to the neighborhood.