When I was in love with the willowy, ethereal Buddhist, she chose another man instead of me. I came up with all kinds of rationalizations for this, which I won't enumerate here.
But the story I made up for myself about this ignored the obvious truths which now, having disconnected myself emotionally from her, are quite evident. Simply put, he's better-looking than me, more charismatic than me, younger than me and more interesting than me.
But for years – years! – I would not accept that plainly evident truth, even though one mutual friend told it to me outright. Instead, I clung to my own internal narrative, which had her mind clouded by the machinations of a meditation instructor, or cringing in fear from the affections of the one man who could truly bring her happiness, blah, blah, snort, berffle, grunt.
Even I can get hooked on internal narratives that substitute comforting falsehoods for truth. Those years of self-deception about her weren't fair to her, or to me.
2 comments:
"Bring her happiness"? You don't even respect happiness.
My lassitude is so great that I can't be bothered to post on my own blog and nowadays don't bother when you or MindOverMary mention me specifically.
First, I'm smart and I read and speak the English language fairly well. If you find that offputting, go find a dolt to reinforce your bullshit and leave me alone. I do not exist to make you feel good or bad about yourself, that's all between your own ears. Solomon's Proverbs teach that the wise man seeks wise counsel, but you go talk to fools and you'll become one and I'll be happier with you out of my life because I'm looking to hang out with the smart ones like MCARP.
About women: I finally have to admit that what I want is a Ziplock fresh relationship. I want a woman who will delight my mind, succor my soul and suck my dick for about two or three days and then go back into her Ziplock bag, leave me alone and emerge the next time I want her fresh and with no changes from the last time I opened the bag. Which is to say I'm too selfish to be in a relationship with a real human being, no matter how hippie/ethereal, brilliant or beautiful she may be. Until I'm prepared to engage a real human being, there just aren't going to be any women in my life. I wouldn't want any woman I care about to be with a guy who has my present attitude.
Which brings me to the next thing. I'm not so hot about having a close relationship with anyone, male or female, at this point in my life. I'm happy to see MCARP. We talk, we go see a movie and laugh about how bad it is and then we don't interfere in each other's stuff for a few days or a couple of weeks until we do it again. I see more people than MCARP because I go to my AA meetings. The truth is, I'm perfectly happy being mostly left to my own devices. I don't give or get advice and I like it that way. I'm not involved in any chaos or drama, thank the Great Spaghetti Monster in the sky. In other words, the big change in my life is to be good with that. I don't have to be well-known, popular nor deeply engaged in social gatherings. I think now that I can be a perfectly good guy and not engage in endless grip and grin, pat on the back, how 'bout them Sooners bullshit.
Two footnotes:
1. MCARP, does the length of your hair and/or beard impact in any way your struggle with the guy on the couch picture/self image?
2. The Anonymous comment above is bitter bullshit, IMHO
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