Depressed again — thank god

I can look back now at that August morning when I awoke with new clarity, creative drive and libido — not to mention diarrhea — and see that I was experiencing some sort of serotonin spike that temporarily lifted my depression.

As is always the case, the episode ended. In this case, it took more than 100 days, which is unusually long for me. Normally these last one to three weeks, and I recognize them as they are happening.

One thing I will say for my depression: it prevents me from doing impulsive things I later regret. The whole regrettable OKCupid episode is very similar to the kinds of embarrassing behavior — often involving women — I've exhibited during past spells of non-depression.

And the 'zenidiot' persona was sort of a representation of me in my non-depressed state.

Still, some good came of this non-depression episode. I seem to have finally disconnected myself from Ms. Willowy and Ethereal. A couple of other unhealthy, neediness-based relationships ended as well. The online dating fiasco is the only thing that happened that I wish I could undo.

So, all in all, it could have been much worse. I have done some things in previous non-depressed states that had far-reaching consequences.

I used to view depression as being like a black cloud hanging over my head, or a heavy rock pressing down on my chest. Now, it's more like an old comfy blanket from childhood, frayed at the edges and threadbare in spots, but still safe and warm. I can cover my feet, wrap it around my shoulders, pull it up over my head and snuggle up in it. It keeps me out of trouble.