I had been viewing my online dating problem as one of fairly and honestly describing myself. But I think the problem may have been that I put myself in a position where I was required to describe myself at all. At that point, everything became about how tall I am, how much I weigh, what color my eyes and hair are, etc.
What is all that stuff? Is it anything other than trying to come up with a collection of labels to represent the sack of meat that supports the concept of the mind of mcarp — labels whose indicator of accuracy is whether other people agree with them?
Tremendous mental and emotional energy was expended trying to form a concept of myself that somehow reconciles the conflicting concepts others have of me — and in the end it's basically just electrons bouncing around in various persons' skulls.
It was better left alone right from the start.
5 comments:
Dear Jesus, but I hate giving advice. I could do this face to face, but like many other things peer review is a good thing and if I give this advice in this forum, maybe someone will chime in and support or refute my view.
A date is not a marriage proposal. A first date is not a seduction and rarely leads directly to sex. A date is just fun with someone of your gender choice at a pre-determined time and place.
Just as it is easier to get a job when you already have one, it's easier to get a date when people see you dating.
Ask out a woman. Anyone. Knowing beforehand that it will not lead to a relationship. Ask out an inappropriate woman. Ask out a friend on the stated basis that it's just for fun. Take them to see a bad movie knowing it's going to be bad just as you and I go see bad movies -- so you'll have a chance to make fun of the movie at coffee afterwards. Make sure you understand in your own mind that it's not going to be the same woman you ask out the next weekend. The next weekend, go do something else with someone else. Ask women younger, ask women older, ask women too fat for your taste, ask women too rigid for your taste. Just go out with a woman and do something you both think could be fun and it's OK to say up front -- this is just for shits and grins, darlin'.
The women you take out will tell the women they know that they went out with you, you weren't a clingy stalker and that they had a good time and didn't have to spend all night fending off octopus hands. Soon, they will matchmake with their friends. These blind dates will be women who are not on the internet. Some of those dates will be awful, some will be wonderful and you'll make some new friends.
You have (pulling a number out of my ass) a 1 in 100 chance of hooking up with someone you'll want to date for more than twice, but you've got to go out on the 99 dates to get there. So, just start going out. Go out on Thursday nights or Tuesday nights so it's not so fraught with that Friday/Saturday "date night" pressure. Just find fun things to do and take a woman as a companion to share the experience.
It's the season, so there's lots of stuff to do. Go to charity events just to make a contribution and have some fun. Take them home at 11 p.m. or even 10 p.m. if the event is over and don't even worry about it.
Trust me. It will snowball and you will vastly increase your chances of finding someone you'd like to share some time with who wants to share time with you.
Just do fun things and don't worry about anything else. Honestly, you'll have a reputation as a ladies man before spring.
blogblah
I agree with Big Brother. Of course I'm not willing to do it, but I think he's right on all accounts.
I'm too chickin for any of it.
Mindovermary
It's a numbers game. If you are not willing to put yourself in the game, you won't be a player. You'll be sitting on the sidelines whining--what you are doing right now basically. I have commented that I don't think you are available because you don't date and think the right description or concept of mcarp is the reason why you don't have a relationship. The reason you don't have a woman is you don't engage with them. You have to put down the electronics and get some face time, any face time, so you can practice being present when your body is there. I hate saying blogblah is right cause I want to be right all the time. But Jesus, dare to be vulnerable, dare to be mediocre, dare to be disappointed, just do it. You've been talking about it for years, now suit up and show up for yourself!!! I'm actually dating myself for the first time in a couple of years so I have recent experience in how terrifying it is to put my old, wrinkled ass out there, but I'm not going to develop a relationship with someone who stumbles into my living room some night and drags me away from one more CSI tv program!!! Just do it and stop obsessing about doing it!!! (Insert five platitudes here.) Soartstar
An idea:
LIVE EXPERIMENTALLY.
See what happens.
Gee whiz. I'm feeling a lot of pressure here and it's making me all wiliky.
I'm not even the one who is getting all the pressure, but I'm feeling it all the same because I have issues about putting myself out there too. Just thinking about dating makes my palms sweat.
Why can't I enjoy my life without a man in it? Why do I have to put pressure on myself to do something that everyone thinks I should do?
I know this is MCARP's blog, but I get the same pressure from my friends. I love my life the way it is, so why do I have to do something I don't really want to do just so I can say I'm doing it?
Arggg! Whatever. MCARP, do you WANT to date? I think that is the question.
BTW, I really do agree with what the others have said, if you really want to date and find someone.
Mindovermary
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