I went to Borders this evening, bought nothing, and emerged at twilight. There in front of me was the NW Expressway, and beyond it the hospital, the fitness center, Warwick West Apartments and Union Plaza –– the black glass tower with the brick-red corners.
Looking out over all that I felt something almost the opposite of what I felt Friday night –– a sense of bleakness, remoteness, aloneness, pointlessness. I still feel the same way now, although getting back to the comfort of my little house helps some. Again, there's probably some memory, some prejudice or preference or aversion that evoked or guided that response, but it doesn't help to know that.
Life feels bleak tonight. Nothing has changed in my life since Friday; only my attitude is different.
One of the things I wanted from a relationship –– when I was still pursuing relationships –– was a woman who could help me through these dark moods. Maybe that's why I developed my affinity for the goddess Tara.
But I understand now that it generally doesn't work that way. Significant others are not therapists.
Even so, I find myself wishing sometimes that there was someone here who could ease that sense of dreariness so I didn't have to carry the burden of it all by myself.
Wishing does not make it so. This sense of despair is mine, and no one else's.
3 comments:
Good grief, Northwest Highway IS bleak, alone, remote and pointless. Your feelings seem to be appropriate.
I was there last night and felt the same thing. NW Highway must be partially to blame.
wokcrco
Well, maybe I just need to stay off NW Expressway, at least in the evening. It's pretty bearable in the daylight.
It is frustrating, though, to be almost a slave to mood swings brought on by chance bits of stimuli.
Sunday evening is also historically difficult for me. I go to bed Sunday night usually feeling so depressed that I don't care if I wake up Monday morning or not.
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