People told me when I retired that I would start mentally 'going downhill' within a matter of months. It has taken longer than that, but there's no question in my mind that it's happened.
I have always been sort of a fuzzy, scattered thinker. I guess having a job forced to me to focus my thoughts for at least part of the day. Now, there's nothing to do that, and it shows in the general slippage in my overall presence of mind. It's been very gradual, but I certainly have the sense that I'm less organized, less motivated, less everything than I was four years ago.
This has had some benefits. I don't have as much stress as I once had, for one thing. It has also helped me embrace eastern philosophy. I think the study of zen and tao is not especially compatible with the disciplined 'gung ho' mental approach working Americans are expected to have. Especially with taoism, I think you have to be prepared to reject a lot of American 'values' that are cherished in the workplace.
But there is a down side. I really have no concept of the passage of time anymore. My doctor told me last week I needed to come in for a checkup, as I hadn't come in at all in 2010. I could have sworn I was there last spring, but in fact, it was fall of 2009. It actually seems like it was only about five months ago.
I also need to pay my property taxes. I live close enough to downtown that I just drive to the courthouse rather than mailing a check. I do this once a year, but it seems like I do it every 90 days.
I hate doing this stuff. It's not the money; I just can't stand the repetitive task, even if it's once a year. And yet, my life is the same from day to day, and the repetitiveness of daily living seems to calm and comfort me. I usually eat breakfast in one of two places. I may go for a walk around the same park. I seldom travel more than two miles from my house, and never more than 20 miles.
I do not feel at peace with the world. My view is very dualistic. It's me right here, and a lot of crazy shit out there.
I've finally worked out my human contact quota. I can currently stand 120 minutes of human contact every 72 hours. Waiters, store clerks and the like don't count toward the total. If I go more than 120 minutes with my friends, I start to get overwhelmed and have to withdraw.
I have this sense of an overall decline in my sense of being present in the world. But, I was never all that wild about the world anyway.
1 comment:
I have been exactly like you for most of my life. The only reason I ever had any concept of time was because I had children who had to be places at certain times. Now that I am on my own, I am free to be without time schedules. I sleep when I'm tired, and wake when I have had enough sleep. I have no schedules, and like it that way. I guess that's why it seems that time goes by so quickly.
I also drive slowly and avoid main roads. I like meandering when I drive, but it makes my children crazy. They say I'm slow, drive in circles, and never know where I am.
So what.
You are not strange, MCARP, you are just like the rest of us who understand the joy of life without stress. We're the lucky ones.
Mindovermary
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