My biggest struggle right now is keeping depression and despair at bay. My depression has always run in a 24-hour cycle, getting suddenly worse at sunset and growing deeper as the night goes on. A couple of friends have put themselves at my disposal at this hour, so I'll have someone to talk to, but I haven't done that, yet. It's important that I not wear my friends down with my neediness. I've been on the receiving end of that, and I know that a person in even the direst of straits can drive friends away by placing constant demands on their time, patience and emotional reserves.
I seem to have two kinds of depression. One is the daily depression that sometimes feels like an old, comfortable blanket. It's been with me my whole life. Although it causes me to avoid friends and put off things that need to be done, I often sort of wrap myself up in it and settle into it.
The other depression is like a short, dark, ugly creature that opens its mouth into an impossibly wide chasm, cold and black, into which I feel I might helplessly fall, tumbling down, down, darker and darker, until there's no light left at all. The last time I felt this depression was in 1998-1999, when my whole life suddenly fell apart. I survived that, but in that case, cells of my body weren't actively trying to kill me.
It has become very important to not be alone. I try to spend time with someone every evening before I go home to bed. I have come to fear solitude because I know that when I'm alone, the creature will come tiptoeing out of the long shadows of the night and open its gaping mouth, waiting for me to fall into it.
In my fantasy, Quan Yin comes and sits at the edge of my bed, keeping me company and keeping the creature at bay. But I wish Quan Yin would manifest herself as a real person to be at my side during these darkest hours. As Paul Medina pointed out in a comment to an earlier post, I eventually have to finish this journey alone. Until that time comes, though, I wish she was here.
9 comments:
If talking to people on the phone helps I am around most evenings. Happy to enter the rotation if it would help.
Lark
I would also suggest something I think of as the 5:30 A.M. Rule. By way of background, my first jobs out of college required me to leave the house around 5:30 in the morning to get to work on time. I am NOT a morning person so this was really hard. I noticed that my thoughts during those morning commutes were always bleak. I finally made a rule that I shouldn't ever think about the meaning of life on those drives in to work, and that if I did think about it I was not allowed to take myself seriously. Any thoughts about the meaning of life in general, or mine in particular, that my brain served up to me at 5:30 in the morning simply could not be taken seriously.
Maybe you need a 3:40 am rule of the same kind.
Lark
And one more thing...have you ever tried antidepressants? If not, now might be the time. They can be a powerful tool.
Lark
Couple of things.
Numbah One: It's not uncommon for depression to worsen in the late afternoon. In fact, the phenomenon is so common it's actually called sundowning.
Numbah Two: I would take your friends at their word. Call them. Your job right now is not to protect your friends from your neediness. If it is neediness. I personally don't think it is. People want to give to you. You're comfortably well off, you don't really need much "stuff". Late night companionship is what you need. Let them give that to you.
All good comments. I want to second Lark's suggestion of antidepressants and exand a little.
Right now you have really been sucker-punched by this whole grave situation landing in your lap. It isn't surprising that you are depressed and having problems, especially at night when there isn't a lot of activity going on with others. If you bring this up with your doctors, they aren't going to be surprised by it, I bet, and they should be willing to help with whatever medications they can apply. I can't imagine it's not something that comes up with a patient with a life-threatening disease and extreme remedies on their plate. I know it certainly came up with my father when he was extremely ill.
Right now I think you could really use a break from being beaten up by this, and conserve your mental energy for your physical recovery. Think of it as medicine from the little sprig of herb both Quan Yin and the Medicine Buddha hold out sometimes.
Speak w/yr MD but I personally would be more inclined to think you need an anti-anxiety medication like Xanax or Ativan right now rather than an antidepressant.
But what do I know?
You also might ask about support groups. You do not strike me as the support group type and neither am I, but when I went through a really bad experience (1991) the support group I avoided for several months pretty much saved my life. (Happy to talk about/email directly if you want to know more.) Being with other people who know exactly what you are going through can really help.
Lark
Since my sister has been fighting cancer for 17 years by now - and occasionally it has been very dire - I can only endorse the suggestions made by others.
Anti-depressants (and also sleeping pills BTW) were about the first thing she got after her diagnosis in order to get through her nightmare, and that did help.
So did her support group. Being able to talk to people who are in a similar situation has been extremely good for her.
There is no rule that says you shouldn't use ALL available little helpers, right?
B
You were not alone in the end after all. Now I am. I sure wish that creature would go fuck itself.
Not so QY
Post a Comment