I thought I had done a rather good job over the past few years of cultivating mindfulness and being in the present moment. But I can tell you that nothing brings you into the moment like knowing you may die soon.
I've developed a new awareness and appreciation of all sorts of little things that I had previously only scarcely noticed. When I scratch the cat's ears, I notice how his fur feels between my fingertips. When I'm outdoors, colors seem more vivid and saturated. When it's not cloudy, the sun seems brighter. When someone says to me, "good morning," it seems more sincere. I had read that these things sometimes happen, but I thought the authors were speaking figuratively. They weren't.
I've written in the past about how boring many other people find my life to be, lacking passion, drama and excitement. But over the past few days, I've noticed something almost every hour that makes me think, "I don't want to lose this."
Yes, that's attachment. Attachment to small, simple pleasures, but attachment all the same.
I'm trying to be very broad-minded, equanimous and Buddhist-y about this. But the simple truth, when I look at myself honestly, is this: I don't want to die.
I don't want to die.
I don't want to die.
I don't want to die.
2 comments:
As Brecht observed, we are all sentenced to death with an indefinite stay of execution. Perhaps Jim Morrison's more succinct "nobody gets out alive" is even better. You should observe that the urge to survive is several billions of years of DNA urging you toward humanity's true prime directive, not to go all Star Trek on you or anything. All of which is to say, we understand. It's only human to feel that way.
So, Carp, the question is not whether we will nor whether we wish to die. The question is how we will live until that time.
Today, you are alive. You are safe in the VDR. You have friends and some money. The death you fear is in an unrealizable moment apart from right now. How will you use THIS time?
I urge you to notice that if you are to have surgery Friday, you will experience some several days or weeks afterwards with limited mobility and options. How will you conduct your affairs this week? You choose every minute, even when you do not make a conscious choice.
I would urge you to be mindful of the life you have and not the death you fear.
blogblah
I think this is a valuable and powerful thing to know. I think you are fortunate to have connected with it so clearly. It probably makes the current situation scarier but I think knowing this could be a source of strength as you go through treatment.
Lark
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