Freak me out, why don't you?

I have a few female friends and acquaintances with whom I often have lunch or dinner. These are not women I'm dating, but friends I enjoy sharing time with. Nevertheless, a friend suggested a few days ago that I ought to 'get together' with one of them.

I could feel the muscles in my chest and diaphragm tense up as soon as he said it. He might as well have suggested a recreational trip to the dentist, or getting a job.

It's not that I'm not attracted to women. But at this stage in my life, that attraction seems to exist somewhere outside of me, like a cloud of fog surrounding my head. It's not pleasant.

I have friends who enjoy their infatuations, even when the interest is not mutual. "Oh," they tell me, "it makes me feel alive."

I don't call that feeling alive. I call that feeling crazy.

I feel more alive sitting in the back yard, watching the birds and petting the dog. But beyond that, I'm kind of over the whole 'alive/not alive' thing.

I'm not that much different than the big rock out in my back yard. And after I die, I won't be any different at all. So I'm not going to get all cranked up about the 'alive' thing. That will resolve itself soon enough.