The guru thing

As I've mentioned before, I don't have a Zen teacher, so maybe what I'm doing isn't Zen at all.

When I was a practicing fundamentalist Christian in the early 70's, I desperately wanted the approval of my pastor, of my Sunday School teacher, of pretty much anyone. I said things I didn't really believe, talked myself into believing things I didn't think made sense, and basically fooled myself so as to fit in with the group.

I wanted to believe that my teachers had some higher level of wisdom. In retrospect, I see that most of them weren't as clued in as I was.

I also desperately wanted to believe that they never smoked, never drank, never lost their tempers, never cheated on their spouses or did any other nonspiritual thing. In fact, most of them were less moral than I was. But I couldn't see that at the time, mainly because I didn't want to.

I think getting hooked up with a guru is sort of like getting a crush. When you have a crush on someone, you have the looks and not much else. So you begin filling in the blanks from your own imagination.

And not surprisingly, you attribute to your crush object all the qualities and values you most cherish. For example, I'm pretty sure that Barbara Eden is one of the greatest intellects of our generation, and compassionate and caring as well. And when she was dressed in that 'Jeannie' outfit, she was even intellectualer, compassionater and caringer.

So I think it must be with gurus. You hear now and then about some guy who has a bunch of followers in spite of the fact that it's as plain as the nose on your face that he's batshit crazy. His followers saw him at a retreat or a revival or a seminar, became entranced by his personal style before knowing very much about him, then filled in the blanks from their own idealized notions of what a spiritual master should be like. Then they followed him down the primrose path to Jonestown or Waco, or contracted AIDS from him during some 'higher tantric teaching'.

The good thing about gathering teaching from a book is that it's personality-neutral. I don't need to earn the book's acceptance or fit in with its friends. I don't need to establish eye contact with it across a crowded auditorium. I don't have to hike down to the front of the sanctuary and 'rededicate my life' twice a month to get its approval. I can reject what strikes me as an unsound idea without fear of scorn or ostracism.

So here I am, teacher-less and guru-less, trying to get the big picture from books, and afraid to take a chance on letting another living breathing human being be my guide.


















Meanwhile, tell me her enlightenment doesn't transcend all dharma and precepts.