"I just finished reading about Alan Watts. Like you, he was a Capricorn and spent his entire life trying to figure it out. He died at the age of 58, an alcoholic who apparently never figured "it" out.
"I have two close guy friends here who are Capricorns and exactly like you and Alan and other Capricorns, always asking "why" and "how". They, like you, are depressed and suffer from General Anxiety Disorder so I'm wondering if maybe this constant search is a Capricorn trait and not something you can help being.
"Is it a trick of fate that you all were born under the same sign and therefore are always seeking an answer that doesn't exist because no answer ever satisfies you?"
There are a couple of Alan Watts biographies out there, including the one he wrote himself. He lived a very colorful life. He was indeed an alcoholic and he died young because of it.
But my sense is that Watts did indeed 'get it,' although the path by which he reached 'it' was an unconventional one by the standards of Zen orthodoxy. And he certainly wasn't the only person who 'got it' and ended up with personal crises of his or her own making.
I would encourage anyone wanting to know more about Watts to visit the website www.alanwatts.com.
In fact, I'm going to make it a permanent link. And of course, I always recommend his books. "The Wisdom of Insecurity" is my personal favorite - written at a time when his own life was more-or-less in shambles.
Was Watts depressed? I dunno. Am I depressed? Certainly, at times. (Not tonight.)
Do I have General Anxiety Disorder? From the NIMH website:
"GAD is diagnosed when a person worries excessively about a variety of everyday problems for at least 6 months.
"People with GAD can't seem to get rid of their concerns, even though they usually realize that their anxiety is more intense than the situation warrants.
"They can't relax, startle easily, and have difficulty concentrating. Often they have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep.
"Physical symptoms that often accompany the anxiety include fatigue, headaches, muscle tension, muscle aches, difficulty swallowing, trembling, twitching, irritability, sweating, nausea, lightheadedness, having to go to the bathroom frequently, feeling out of breath, and hot flashes."
Yes, I worry excessively. I grew up learning to expect the worst, because with two drama-crazed alcoholics for parents, the worst was usually what would happen. I don't have to worry about that now, but the worrying is habitual, and I'll probably die of old age before I free myself from it completely.
But I rarely have the physical symptoms NIMH describes. Fatigue and shortness of breath, yes, but I'm fifty pounds overweight and don't get enough exercise.
As far as no answer ever satisfying me... well, I think I've found one. It will not always seem that way, I think, because I'm going to always suffer from occasional rounds of depression.
And so....
8 comments:
I wish you would get my email from Big Bro so we could communicate in a way that isn't so exposed to the public.
Not that I mind exposing myself, but I would rather have the control and choice of whom I am exposing myself to.
Know what I mean?
Mindovermary
we woman sometimes should learn thinking that BEFORE we write that in the public... could be helpful for make not bad misunderstandings...
but, its an sickness of us womans and probably we will need help to get over that...smile
Maybe I should clarify what I meant in my previous comment. I don't really give a damn what anyone thinks about what I say, I just want a more intimate form of communication with MCARP.
Does anyone else have a problem with that?
Mindovermary
its realy a woman sickness... our fingers are to quick sometimes on the computer keyboard, than the whole world see and read what we writed down.
there are many things i give a damn also, what anyone think about what i say, BUT, there should be borders what NOT be written about people in an public blog.
you could have written that in an e-mail to him, or say that at an table by drinking an ice water to people at the red cup or galileo...
People are still reading Alan Watts? That's what's amazing to me. Soartstar
I heard Edward Brown talk at a bookstore signing not that long ago, and he said something about how he became a Zen monk and thought he wouldn't be depressed, only to find that was 'not always so'.
I ran across an interview with him in Buddhadharma magazine (Fall 2004) where he talked on a slightly different aspect:
'For twenty years, I lived and practiced intensively at the Zen Center.
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I had been trying to do Zen practice, or my idea of Zen practice. No matter what teachers tell you, it's very hard not to make up your own ideas of what you're aiming for. One day I thought, "Why don't I just deal with what's here inside me with some warmth and tenderness and kindness and love." And the tears just started pouring down my face and a voice inside said, "It's about time." I asked Katagiri Roshi, who was abbot of Zen Center at the time, if this was OK. He said, “Ed, for twenty years I tried to do the zazen of Dogen Zenji before I realized there was no such thing."
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As my friend and teacher Mel Weitsman says, "You do formal practice to get a feeling for practice and then you spend the rest of your life encountering the circumstances of your life and turning them into practice." That's what I've been doing. On one hand, for many years Buddhism helped me to avoid knowing what was inside, and on the other hand Buddhism prepared me to finally meet what was really inside.
Buddhism is often thought of as a way to put an end to suffering, but you can live your life of meditation and peace and in the meantime have a lot going on that you're not relating to. In the end, Buddhism can take you beyond that, to where you can be with the profound pain of your own life and of the world and see what you're going to do with all of that. But it's also possible to avoid doing that for a very long time.'
I thought it was a very good summary of how deep our delusions can be, and unfortunately how difficult it is to recognize them, much less do anything about them.
sweeney
Buddhism has saved my life in a way.
In the 60s there was a rumor (true or not, who knows) that said the government of Thailand had began to radically discourage Buddhism; it was making the citizens too "mellow". The gov wanted to stimulate the economy so they tried to get people to quit being so devout. If this is true.....
I need mellow, depressed or not. Never has a philosophy or the like done so much for me. I have been sequestered at home for two weeks and done nothing but read Buddhism. I have NEVER been happier.
Please keep the observations coming.
Chop wood, ingest blotter.
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