Someone (blogblah!, actually) pointed out to me at the coffee shop Monday that my Sunday post in which I likened my appearance to that of a seedy character in a 1940s foreign intrigue film reflected low self esteem.
I was very much into the self esteem thing when I was in therapy. I think it would be accurate to say my self esteem was low most of my life. I considered myself to be very intelligent, but that was all I could say for myself. During therapy, I came to the conclusion that self respect was an obligation, like voting.
Later, I came to the conclusion that I probably wasn't as smart as I had always wanted to believe I was (although no fool, by any stretch) and that in most other respects, I wasn't as inadequate a person as I'd always imagined myself.
But further down the road, I became indifferent to the whole issue of self esteem. I think that if a person can quit measuring himself against others and quit trying to compete with others, self esteem becomes irrelevant. This is a goal I have set for myself.
Events have conspired to free me of some of the external pressures that can affect self esteem. I no longer have bosses whose goodwill I must cultivate (former bosses will read this and say to themselves, 'Huh? Did he ever do that?'). I've mostly lost interest in whether women are attracted to me – the relationship game is about as interesting to me now as Olympic curling. I have a large enough network of friends that if one of them starts to wear me down, I can create some space between myself and that person without being isolated.
And I have mostly dropped out of the culture that makes virtues of arrogance, superficiality and material wealth.
On the other hand, the fact that I commented on my own appearance at all suggests I haven't reached a state of perfection in this regard.
The real key is getting rid of the concept of 'self.' If there is no 'I,' there's no 'you,' either. If I then say I look seedy – well, compared to what? There's no 'I' to be seedy-looking, and no 'you' to be better-groomed. I can't compare myself to others, because there's no 'I' and no 'others.'
Here are some previous posts on the same subject:
Mmmmmm... pancakes
The flame in your hand
Self, no self
6 comments:
you, my friend, are a mighty man.
not so much with others...
I love you, MCARP. This constant pondering of attached vs. detached, the "I", the "you", self esteem and all the other stuff is very endearing to me.
Since you are determined to detach from life and the humans that dwell in it, you probably won't care about my opinion on the subject but because I am completely attached to you I will give it.
I struggled for years with my self-esteem until I finally got it. The key to loving yourself is to be your own best friend.
It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about you, it only matters what you think about you.
To love and respect yourself is liberating in all and every way. It's the one gift no one can give you but you.
Be true to yourself, be kind to yourself and love yourself, warts and all.
We are all made up of good and bad. Embrace both, accept both, forgive the bad and cherish the good. It's unconditional love that you give to others so why not give to yourself?
I'm not talking about arrogance or conceit, I'm talking about pure love and respect.
It took me about 45 years to figure this out but what a relief it's been! I have freed myself of all the bullshit pressure I put on myself to be everything to everybody. Now I can give to others what I give myself and we're all better for it. I'm a better person because my life is all about me. Not all about me in the sense of being self-centered but all about me in that I take responsibility for every decision, choice and action I take. My life is all about how I make it and no one is to blame either way, just me.
Take it or leave it, MCARP. It doesn't matter because I'm going to love you in spite of you.
Mindovermary
I have a question:
Is "detachment" sometimes something you use as another reason to beat yourself up?
Actually, detachment should trump self-criticism just as it should trump self-aggrandizement or narcissism.
Just my opinion, I guess, but the whole idea of how one views oneself, whether positively or negatively can be ultimately made irrelevant.
Having a good self-image is preferable to having a bad self-image, but best of all is to take the whole thing off the table and move past it.
mcarp,
I like you work. Good thoughts well expressed.
I ponder the strangly juxtaposed ideas of self-esteem and no-self from time to time. I think a lot of this self-esteem therapy talk is nonesense. "If you don't love you, no one else will," kind of crap. What no one ever seems to realize is that loving oneself includes knowing oneself, including all the flaws.
I could go on and on, but I won't. I think I'll just delete the paragraphs I continued with and leave it as this. Anything else would just be an attention seeking gesture, ya know? Very self, that.
Metta. :-)
Post a Comment