How I made Ms. HRP cry

We were at dinner last night, and talking about what we'd do if we won the lottery. I mentioned that I expect to live about another fifteen years (which would put me in my seventies), and that I had already lived as much as I needed to live.

She looked at me with a sort of stunned expression on her face. She sat back in her chair, staring at me with the same expression. It was as if she couldn't believe what she was hearing, and the news was too awful to be true. And then tears welled up in her eyes and started streaming down her face.

Maybe she'll clarify this on her own blog. My own inference was that she was aghast that someone could hold life so casually and dispassionately.

I explained to her something I have written about here before - that I have completed everything I was 'supposed' to do in this life, and I am now trying to relax and appreciate each day as it comes. No big plans, no ambitious goals.

"You make it sound like you're going to just lay down and die," she said, still wiping back tears.

I withheld my response, which would have been, 'Yes, that's about it.' But I think my silence said it as clearly as the words would have.

"What if you fall in love?" she asked.

"What if I get hit by a meteor?" I replied.

Let me reiterate that I like my life these days. No drunk family members to clean up after. No narcissistic TV personalities whose egos need constant stroking. No government coworkers dumping their inboxes in my lap so they can do their nails or watch YouTube.

I get up when I want to get up, and I go to sleep when I want to go to sleep. I walk away from drama. I am not a team player.

But I also know that everything, including life itself, is impermanent, and no amount of rushing to and fro looking for passion and excitement will change that. Attachment always leads to separation and suffering.

In a couple of hours the birds will be singing in the back yard. I'll go to the Red Cup and say good morning to my friends and acquaintances. I hope to enjoy these pleasures for as many years as I have left, whether it's fifteen or five.

But even if it's only five, I hope I'll reach the end with calm and equanimity.