3:24 am

And I'm bored and depressed.

Depressed, I think, because even though I think I begin to understand how things really are –– how the machinery of the cosmos really works –– part of me would still prefer it to be another way.

In other words, I'm depressed because my fantasies aren't reality.

Nina has broken up with L4 –– his heart, she writes, is in 'lockdown mode.' Blogblah! speculates that 'maybe someday' he'll have a relationship that will be good. Erika West, at 27, has decided she'll never be in a relationship again.

I wish I had some optimism to offer here. But all my empirical data tell me Erika has probably hit the nail on the head.

I decided a few years ago relationships weren't for me. I've tried a couple of times since then, but halfheartedly, because I already know I'm no good at it. I don't like calling it 'celibacy' because for me, the connotation is that I've had some sort of pious vision, when in fact I've just gotten tired of being always on the defensive, always tiptoeing on eggshells, always wondering when I would commit the social, cultural or consumerist fuckup that, while innocuous-seeming to me, was the deal-breaker for her.

For me, relationships were always like paddleball... you know, that wooden paddle with the rubber ball attached by an elastic string. You can play it, but no matter how good you get at it, you know that eventually you're going to miss. You keep swatting it, and eventually you break your own record, but you know the miss is coming, and now it's not an idle diversion, you've got to... keep... swatting it... even... though... you... know... at some point... you have to... aw, shit.

And then she'll be with her friends at girls' night out dishing about what a clueless loser you are, and you'll be at home with the cats and a bag of Doritos –– and thanking the gods you didn't give up your lumpy white minivan for an SUV or a sports sedan like she wanted you to, or get rid of the cats like she wanted you to.

Because even if you had done those things, she still would have met the ne'er-do-well 'bad boy' heir to the Fahrquahr Humate Corporation fortune and dumped your ass, anyway.

Being a charismatic leader, the Buddha probably had women approaching him rather frequently. But history tells us that after his enlightenment, he gave up relationships and sex completely. And in so doing, he gave up a major contributing factor in overall human misery and craziness.

"Be fruitful and multiply," God told Noah and the other flood survivors. Buy some SUV's. Get breast implants and hair transplants. Have your eyeliner tatttoed on. Buy Harley Davidsons. Get some misdemeanor convictions. Lie to each other frequently.

Above all, spend money and create drama.

Here's some more of that so-called 'intelligent design': reproduction is necessary for the survival of the species, yet it is the most painful, unpleasant, crazy-making aspect of being alive.

That's why I'm all for human cloning.

Hope that cheered everyone up. Y'all sound kind of bummed out.

Check out those pictures of Saturn.