More on Alan Watts

MindOverMary wrote:

"I just finished reading about Alan Watts. Like you, he was a Capricorn and spent his entire life trying to figure it out. He died at the age of 58, an alcoholic who apparently never figured "it" out.

"I have two close guy friends here who are Capricorns and exactly like you and Alan and other Capricorns, always asking "why" and "how". They, like you, are depressed and suffer from General Anxiety Disorder so I'm wondering if maybe this constant search is a Capricorn trait and not something you can help being.

"Is it a trick of fate that you all were born under the same sign and therefore are always seeking an answer that doesn't exist because no answer ever satisfies you?"

There are a couple of Alan Watts biographies out there, including the one he wrote himself. He lived a very colorful life. He was indeed an alcoholic and he died young because of it.

But my sense is that Watts did indeed 'get it,' although the path by which he reached 'it' was an unconventional one by the standards of Zen orthodoxy. And he certainly wasn't the only person who 'got it' and ended up with personal crises of his or her own making.

I would encourage anyone wanting to know more about Watts to visit the website www.alanwatts.com.

In fact, I'm going to make it a permanent link. And of course, I always recommend his books. "The Wisdom of Insecurity" is my personal favorite - written at a time when his own life was more-or-less in shambles.

Was Watts depressed? I dunno. Am I depressed? Certainly, at times. (Not tonight.)

Do I have General Anxiety Disorder? From the NIMH website:

"GAD is diagnosed when a person worries excessively about a variety of everyday problems for at least 6 months.

"People with GAD can't seem to get rid of their concerns, even though they usually realize that their anxiety is more intense than the situation warrants.

"They can't relax, startle easily, and have difficulty concentrating. Often they have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep.

"Physical symptoms that often accompany the anxiety include fatigue, headaches, muscle tension, muscle aches, difficulty swallowing, trembling, twitching, irritability, sweating, nausea, lightheadedness, having to go to the bathroom frequently, feeling out of breath, and hot flashes."

Yes, I worry excessively. I grew up learning to expect the worst, because with two drama-crazed alcoholics for parents, the worst was usually what would happen. I don't have to worry about that now, but the worrying is habitual, and I'll probably die of old age before I free myself from it completely.

But I rarely have the physical symptoms NIMH describes. Fatigue and shortness of breath, yes, but I'm fifty pounds overweight and don't get enough exercise.

As far as no answer ever satisfying me... well, I think I've found one. It will not always seem that way, I think, because I'm going to always suffer from occasional rounds of depression.

And so....

Where the heck's my cell phone?

Must be around here somewhere...


5:49 update

Found it. And Happy Birthday. You know who you are.

More Watts animation

Another Alan Watts animation from the same folks.

And another.

I liked the one in the previous post best, but YMMV.

Alan Watts redux

An item of interest passed along from BlogBlah!

It's an Alan Watts recording with a cartoon animation, produced by the creators of South Park.

(South Park creator Trey Parker, according to his Wikipedia entry, was raised as an 'Alan Watts Buddhist' by his father.)

Thursday evening

At least I think it's Thursday. The days are all running together.

I've noticed I tend to blog more when I'm depressed or stressed, and much less so when everything is going well.

As I may have mentioned before, this is largely a matter of perception. Sometimes I'm depressed, and sometimes content, when circumstances are exactly the same.

No news is good news

I have nothing to report.

What it is

It rained this morning, but later it cleared off.
That's my philosophy of life.

What does that mean?

It means it rained this morning, but later it cleared off.

Oh, so it's a metaphor. Sometimes our lives are 'rainy,' but things will get better when it 'clears off.'

No, it's not a metaphor for anything. There are no hidden meanings in it.

I don't see how 'It rained this morning, but later it cleared off' can be a philosophy of life.

Well, get back to me if anything changes.

Plumbing update

Thank gopod there are people in this world who are younger, healthier and more motivated than me.

Harry Potter

I read the last two pages of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" tonight.

It's the only Harry Potter I've ever read.

SPOILER ALERT:






































He kills the one-armed man in a fight on a water tower.

Going to need a plumber

Broken pipe under the house. From the sound, it's under the bathroom, but I can't tell for sure. I still have some water pressure, but not much.

Correction

It's actually three pounds of flax. Please adjust your satori experience accordingly.

Thursday update

Eight pounds of flax.

Let's face it... I'm adorable

I mean, how could you not love me?




I'm a bundle of energy, always on the go.

On the other hand...

I read somewhere that we may get a gourmet cupcake shop in Bricktown. Another of those things that will 'put OKC on the map,' as we like to say.

A gourmet cupcake shop is just as much the machinery of the cosmos as anything else, I suppose.

What the %$#& am I talking about?

There's a landmark here in town called the Gold Dome. If someone from out of town asked me what it was, I could describe it to them as accurately as I was able to. Even so, I would probably get some of the details wrong, and my choice of words might not suffice to completely portray it. (Gold Dome... does that mean it's made of gold? Plated gold? Painted gold? Used to store gold?)

As an alternative, I could just give the out-of-towners directions to NW 23 & Classen Boulevard so they could see the Gold Dome for themselves. That would sidestep the problem of my inability to describe it.

I've been struggling the past couple of years with concepts I was told right up front defy description. I think the reason Zen masters give their students these 'koan' riddles is to give them directions to the location, rather than trying to describe what the students will find when they get there.

Even if you ask (and some of you have), I really can't describe what I'm talking about. I think I've glimpsed it, at least, but I wouldn't dare say I've completely looked it over, strolled around the grounds, ridden the escalators, whatever.

Not only that... I can't give you the directions to get there yourself. Even that's out of my competence.

And that's all I'm going to say about that for now.

If you want your CPA to take you seriously...

don't bring in your tax records three months late, rolled up in an old Pop-Tarts box.

I have nothing to report

All I want to talk about is the Way, and I can say nothing about it.

Extensive branding initiative! Coveted psychographic! Unruly snowboarders!

or,

"Why I quit wasting money on cable TV."




Court TV's New Name Unveiled: truTV
July 11, 2007

As part of an extensive branding initiative that will also include a new look, new logo and expanded line-up, Court TV is about to become truTV. This new name reflects the network's popular line-up of series that offer first-person access to exciting, real-life stories, according to the announcement today by Steve Koonin, president of Turner Entertainment Networks, and Marc Juris, the network's general manager. Through a dynamic original programming line-up that has been providing the network with strong and consistent audience growth, truTV will target a highly coveted psychographic known as "Real Engagers." In addition, the network has put four new projects into development in support of the new brand, including shows from Granada Television, producer of Nanny 911; Original Productions, co-producer of Deadliest Catch; Bunim/Murray Productions, creators of The Real World; and Tiger Aspect USA, producer of Ms. Adventure. The complete re-branding will launch Jan. 1, 2008.


...

In prime time, early fringe and late night, truTV will continue to feature a line-up of already-popular signature series that target Real Engagers, including such shows as Speeders, Forensic Files and Haunting Evidence. Upcoming series slated to join the line-up in support of the new brand include projects like Bounty Girls, featuring four tough, smart, beautiful and diverse female professionals on the hunt for some of Miami's most dangerous fugitives; The Real Hustle, featuring a trio of con artists going after unsuspecting marks; and Most Daring, a gripping series that focuses on life-or-death rescues.

The network is also in development on a number of unique, high-profile series and specials from top-name producers. "Our new development projects are the kind of compelling stories and people our audience of Real Engagers is seeking," said Juris. "We're proud to be working with successful, top-name producers in crafting series that will continue building on the network's growing success."


Among the projects in development are the following:

Neighbors 911 (working title) – From Granada America and executive producer Curt Northrup (Nanny 911) comes this new series in which former Green Beret Myke Hawke goes into the homes of people whose feuding has escalated into all-out war. He then uses video evidence to force them to confront each other and resolve their differences.

Ski Patrol (working title) – This exciting, character-driven series from Bunim/Murray Productions (The Real World) gets viewers up close and personal with the men and women who work in some of the most extreme environments in the country. They do everything from dynamiting snowdrifts and performing daring out-of-bounds rescues to busting unruly snowboarders looking to party on the slopes.

Black Gold (working title) – Few jobs have higher stakes than those of "wildcatters" in Texas, oil prospectors who race one another to tap into the last remaining U.S. reserves. From Original Productions' Thom Beers, executive producer of hit series Deadliest Catch, this show will follow several of these wildcatters and their crew of roughnecks as they risk their lives, limbs and hundreds of thousands of dollars setting up rigs in an attempt to strike oil.

Outlaw Chasers (working title) – Randy Hicks and Lanny Dean are a renegade pair of storm junkies who, armed with just a radio and some video cameras, pursue twisters all around the Midwest in their customized pick-up truck. Using incredibly dramatic present and past-tense footage from their most exciting pursuits, this collection of specials from Tiger Aspect USA and executive producer Lawrence Cumbo (Ms. Adventure) will tell their story while following them in their quest to fulfill their dream: filming a tornado from the inside.

This did not come from The Onion. It's real. When you see an expression like 'Real Engagers' pop up out of nowhere, you can be pretty sure some market research firm has jumped the rails and is spinning PowerPoints out of control somewhere.

Deep thoughts

MindOverMary commented:

"I'll give you something to think about other than those deep thoughts that run through your mind like a hamster on a wheel. Aren't you tired of digging so deep all the time? Life isn't that complicated, it either is or it isn't. Know what I mean?"

I guess I'm more comfortable with the deep thoughts than elsewhere. When I was a kid living in Louisiana, I used to go downtown to the main library and lurk in the stacks, picking books at random to read. Rarely fiction - mostly nonfiction. The library was a cavernous and dark building, and I liked losing myself in the shelves farthest off from the main aisles.

That being said, there's a great deal I don't know. I know nothing about Western philosophy, for example. I should pick up 'Aristotle for Dummies' and work forward from there. The only work of Western philosophy I recall ever reading was 'Jonathan Livingston Seagull.'

But there is some wisdom in what M.O.M. says. I've mentioned some Zen quotes here before - "Eight pounds of flax..." "When I'm hungry, I eat..." etc., emphasizing the importance of ordinary life. Intellectual pretzel-making, as best as I can tell, will not lead you to the Big E (if you have some concept of a 'Big E').

But my ordinary life *is* what M.O.M. describes as 'deep thoughts.' I haven't had much fun 'having fun.' I'm just kinda bookish.

"It either is or it isn't," she writes. Well, sort of. "Is" is another of those things that just rolled out of someone's brain, and the rest of us just generally decided by acclamation that it was right.

An alien from outer space, upon seeing the Statue of Liberty, might radio back to the mothership that it was a 'large structure with a light on top,' and he'd be right, as far as he went. When we say something 'is,' we may come no closer than that to fully describing its 'isness.'

For that matter, how do we know that it 'is'? Or, if we think that it 'isn't', how do we know that? We can't even be sure there's such a thing as 'is.' So maybe life neither is nor isn't. How can we know? Why do we need to know?

Posting my thoughts

Lark commented:

"I know you have begun to question the value of posting your thoughts."

The problem with my thoughts is not that they're my thoughts... it's that they're my thoughts.

More stuff that just fell out of somebody's brain - in this case, mine - as opposed The Thing Itself, whatever you choose to call it or not call it (because The Thing Itself that can be named is not The Thing Itself).

I can use words to do this jaunty little dance around the truth, but I can't actually show you the truth (assuming that I have seen it myself, which may be a bit much to assume).

Better to see the truth than to see me doing my jig.

The Bug Update

The waterbugs or whatever they are have returned in large numbers. I've put more boric acid down in the kitchen, where they're congregating. They're also appearing in large numbers on the front porch. But no place else.

I know I just have to be patient and keep applying the b.a. and eventually they'll be gone for good.

As for the fleas, well the b.a. is supposed to work on them, too. Plus, I went online and ordered a buttload of Frontline for the cats. One thing I've learned from experience is that the most reliable way to get rid of fleas is to keep the cats dosed with Frontline or Advantage. That won't kill all the fleas as quickly as a bomb, but it will kill them all eventually, and I won't have to evacuate the house for a day.

A summer cold is a different animal

an ugly animal... oooh!
It hits you in the summer,
When you've got a lot to do!

Well, I don't have that much to do, but every time I get one of these summertime sore-throat-and-sniffles episodes, I remember that commercial from my childhood for Contac.

Do they even make Contac anymore?

Anyway, I'm home now with a ticklish throat - not as bad as yesterday or even this morning - sniffles, and maybe a touch of fever. Left the RC early out of fear of spreading it.

The Stand

The gong stand, at last.

Near misses

I have accumulated several draft posts over the past couple of years which, for one reason or another, I chose not to post. Presented herewith are selections from some of those drafts.

---

When I get home in the evening, my usual course of action is to feed indoor cats, feed outdoor cats, change clothes, light some incense, and check my email and surf the web awhile. Then I read and maybe do some housecleaning before I go to bed.

---

I was told the other day I have a "likability problem."

Well, yeah.

---

I'm still occasionally surprised by the number of people -- even people who vaguely know me -- who will pass me in a hall or on a sidewalk and look right through me as if I'm not there.

---

I drive a Voyager minivan, same thing as a Caravan, and while it is not a huge car, it is not a compact either. Yet I am able to fit it into the parking spaces, and I expect other people to be gracious enough to do likewise.

---

I'm not surprised that professional people seem crazier. I apologize for resorting to sweeping generalizations, but professionals tend to be people with more intelligence and better educations. They're crazier because they actually see what's going on around them and inside themselves as well.

---

I remember being home sick from work one day and some friends coming by to check on me -- this would have been 1974 or thereabouts -- and them being astonished at what a mess my efficiency apartment was. The room was full of Marvel Comics and H.P. Lovecraft books, neither of which I read today. (I know some people are totally caught up in that Cthulhu/Miskatonic University stuff, but it was just too damn dreary for me. Do not read Lovecraft if you are prone to depression.)

---

Back in March, I blogged about Tara, the Tibetan Buddhist goddess, and how I thought she represented my feminine, and in many ways human, ideal.

Now I understand I am talking about fantasy. But as I sit here tonight, listening to shakuhachi and sitar music, incense burning, Alan Watts' writings still on my mind, it is easy for me envision someone with those qualities just being around. Not wild sex, or any sex. Just sitting in the next room, reading a book. Or meditating. Or listening to the music.

Just there. Just around.

---

I'm on my way to my holojob in the holocubicle. Nothing is real.

---

There have been some times in my life where I have become infatuated with a woman because there was some element of her personality that I thought would help me be a better person. Remember that scene in "As Good As It Gets" where Jack Nicholson tells Helen Hunt "You make me want to be a better man?" That's what I'm talking about. In fact, I had actually used that line –– months before the movie came out.

As I look back on it, I see that I wanted to use these women as sort of personality Bondo to fill in my own rough spots, dings and inadequacies. And at the root of these infatuations, at least in part, was the sense that they were somehow better than me.

---

I have said this before but it merits saying again: during a time when my emotional state was far more unsteady than it is today, by friends on the Well kept me from going completely around the bend. It would probably not be overstating it to say they kept me alive.

---

But remember, all this happened in a parallel universe. So please do not complain to us about their behavior.

The gradually disappearing employee

I left work for lunch Monday, and while I was out, I sat and thought about my office, my cubicle, my two monitors, and the various tasks waiting for me when I got back. The more I thought about it, the queasier I got, and I ended up not going back.

Today is the 4th, of course, so I didn't have to go in, but I don't know how I'll handle tomorrow.

I picked up copies of two graphic design magazines yesterday - magazines I read regularly - and couldn't finish them. Typography and color matching don't seem very important to me right now.

Can't get worked up one way or another about Paris Hilton or Ann Coulter. The Scooter Libby thing at least has some real significance, but I'm not following it with laser-like intensity.

When I'm at home, I read. And all I've read for more than a year now is books centered around Buddhism and Taoism.

I have had a glimpse of the real nature of things, and nothing else seems interesting.

Goodbye, roaches. Hello, fleas.

This is like biblical plagues or something. Although I have various cats, I haven't had fleas in the house in a couple of years. Now they are everywhere.

Guess I'll have to have the cats dipped, or get some Advantage! or Repel! or Reject! or Get the hell offa me! or something.

But the roaches or waterbugs or whatever have disappeared.

Wherrizzit?

I had assumed that by now we would be seeing pix of a certain recently-completed gong stand built by a local artist whose blog is linked at right.

I have seen the pic and the thing is pretty cool.

Steamed vegetables

You may have seen Birds Eye ready-to-steam vegetables in your supermarket freezer. It's basically the same principle as microwave popcorn: you throw the bag in the microwave, nuke it for 5:30, then tear open the bag and dump the vegetables in a bowl or whatever.

They have finally gotten vegetables to a convenience level where even I will eat them.

Roach update

First of all, I guess they technically aren't roaches. I don't know what they are.

Secondly, there are far fewer of them in the house after a fairly light and hasty application of boric acid.

Thirdly, they are still swarming around the porch like Junebugs. Last night, there were a bunch of them gathered around my front door, as if waiting for me to come home and let them in. Just like the cats do.

Roach motel

A few nights ago, I came home to find dozens of roaches crawling around on my front porch. I attributed it to the rain and figured they'd be gone when it cleared off.

Well, it hasn't cleared off.

I've seen three or four roaches in the house since then, and tonight, chased three out of my freakin' bed. I don't know whether to go check into a motel or what.

Guess I'll be getting some roach traps at Target tomorrow.

3:44 a.m. update:

A little web searching revealed several suggestions to put out boric acid in areas where pets and children can't reach it. So I guess I'll get some of that tomorrow.

4 a.m. update:

I'm having some weird flashback stuff going on with these roaches. I had forgotten what it was like having them in the house. When I was a kid in north Louisiana, they were everywhere. It was this damp and rainy every spring there. Nowadays, I may see one bug in the house every six months or so... or at least that was the norm until this week.

I can't go back to sleep.