"Don't you want to be loved?"

When I was having this conversation a few days ago about sleeping in the dining room, my friend asked me, "Don't you want to be loved? Don't you want to be cared about?"

There was a time in my life when that was all I wanted. I was alone at the time, and I felt like my life was pointless because at that time, literally no one cared if I lived or died.

So then I got into some of the 'We're all worthy of love stuff' that people encourage adult children of alcoholics to embrace. That was a good thing for me at the time.

But today? Today, I don't think of a concept of being 'worthy' or 'not worthy' of love. It's like debating whether one is 'worthy' or 'not worthy' of having blonde hair or big feet. There's no 'worthiness' attached to it. You may be loved, or you may not be. Either way, it's no reflection on you as a person.

I have loved and have been loved — not always at the same time, which would have been preferable, but I've had the experiences. They had their pluses and minuses.

All of what we would generally call 'me' is here right now. All of me lives in a messy house. All of me sleeps in the dining room. All of me has a cat in his lap as he writes this. All of me comes and goes as he pleases. All of me takes a nap after lunch. There is not some chunk of me missing because I don't have a love in my life. I am who I am, and all of me is here.

During this time of illness/seclusion/whatever, I've received phone calls and emails from concerned friends. It's wonderful to have people around who care about you. It's a much greater blessing than having a lover.

(Incidentally, if you've called and I haven't called back, don't take it personally. I'm having a hard time with direct personal communication right now. My therapist once told me that I am basically a pretty solitary person and that I needed what he called 'turtle time' occasionally to decompress. I guess that's part of what I'm doing now.)