Complications

I know it does not seem to most people like my life is very complicated. But it is to me.

My ability to multitask, never very strong, has diminished to nothing. So has my ability to plan, or even to think clearly. There are posts that have never appeared here because I started to write them, realized I didn't have the energy or motivation to organize my three or four paragraphs of thoughts, and gave up.

And for the most part, I don't care. I don't need to think much anymore, or organize or plan.

I had to take the dog out for a 1:40 am doggie dump. I sort of know I need to start feeding her on a schedule, but the concept seems kind of fuzzy and indistinct. I have to feed her earlier in the day, and at the same time every day. That means I have to keep track of what time it is. That's a complication, looking at a clock all the time. Plus the usual chore of finding the bowl, finding a scoop for the dog food... more complication. Can't think about it.

I'm sort of regressing into a hunter/gatherer. Or really just a gatherer. I can forage, but that's about it.

I went to the coffee shop yesterday. Walked in, sort of vaguely waved at a table where some of my friends were sitting, then left. I wasn't there two minutes. Too many people, too many conversations. Too complicated.

A couple of my friends are infuriated by the way I drive. The way I drive is this: get in the car, start driving, then formulate a plan about how I'm going to get there. This means that many times, by the time I have sorted out where my next turn is, I have already passed it. One time I overshot my own driveway by a block. I don't care; I'll get there eventually. But other people find it maddening. Sometimes I get in the car and start going without knowing where I'll end up. Again, this doesn't bother me; I know I'll end up somewhere. It made my ex-wife crazy.

Drive faster! Don't stop! Turn the heat on! Slow slow, quick quick! Get rid of that cat hair! Move to Edmond! Why aren't you a Republican? Focus! Why are you wearing that? Be more accessible! Look urgent! Don't sit with your arms folded! Why aren't you saved? Why aren't you in Al-Anon? You and your Moon Pies! Acknowledge your coanchor! Study! Have you done your homework? You need to wear your hair like your daddy!

Folks, this is me. This is it. All there is. I'm not deliberately concealing some advanced mutant power that allows me to be more like you.

I don't want to think anymore. I've had enough thinking.