"I tried very hard to convince someone you are not completely depressed. It's as though you are just waiting to lay down permanently. Perhaps you are. It's as though you have given up on life.
"Even monks take care of their physical well being. They walk, they eat healthy, they appreciate their surroundings. They are not wrinkled-up messes, moving like snails. You don't even smile anymore. You don't seem happy. Your energy feels sad and lost."
I would probably choose different words to describe it, but what my friend suggested is essentially true. In a way, I am waiting for the end. Who isn't? It's going to come one way or another, and the only difference for each of us is how we spend the time between now and then.
My friend is basically an extrovert. She enjoys crowds and goes out almost every night.
I am basically an introvert. I go out frequently, but big crowds overwhelm me. I don't like noise. I have always had trouble understanding conversations in noisy environments, and my hearing seems to have deteriorated even further over the past two or three years.
I know I move slowly. I'm reminded about it pretty regularly. When I walk, I'm usually aware of the weight of my arms and legs moving and the feel of my clothing against my skin. I tend to get focused on it now and then. I find myself thinking as I walk, 'Here I am on the street,' or 'Here I am walking up to the counter,' or whatever.
As I've said before, I'm at a stage in my life where I have few deadlines, few schedules and am mostly free to come and go as I please. I have no sense of urgency about living my life or getting things done. Even so, I think you could say I spend an unusually large amount of time inside my own head.
As for being happy, I don't care much about being happy. During those times when I am happy, I'm thankful for that and enjoy it while it's present. But I always keep in mind that it's temporary, that there will always be ups and downs and that I shouldn't get attached to any of it.
I don't want to fall into a situation where I decide to see myself as being unhappy, then go out and churn up a bunch of drama and chaos in my life while trying to make myself happy. I feel like I'm fortunate to have what I have, and I don't want to risk it trying to grab something else that may be only fleeting if it exists at all.
My lifestyle, though dreary and unsatisfying by most people's standards, is the lifestyle that works for me. And although it may seem to you like I'm missing out on a lot, I don't feel that way.
7 comments:
Ah, the critics!
They want you to want what THEY want, feel concerned about things THEY consider important.
How dare you be you?
Fir trees criticizing the oak, not realizing the oak is doing just fine.
maybe a little moss on the side, but still pretty OK!!
I don't fault the person who raised the issue. It was out of genuine concern for my well-being.
I've done the same thing, in fact. I've had friends whom I've tried to 'save' from what I perceived as too much drinking or smoking, too much partying, too much burning the candle at both ends and so on because I thought that surely they couldn't be happy living that way. They didn't seem happy – always stressed out and overloaded with drama – but as my friend wrote, I don't seem very happy, either.
It's funny to me that everyone (including you) thinks you're depressed or unhappy.
That is not the vibe I have gotten from you at any time since we have met. Of cource I've only been around you a few times but to me, you're a person who seems happy in who he is and what he's doing.
You have questions and concerns but who doesn't?
I agree with john x, everyone wants everyone to be like them.
You're fine just the way you are.
I'm okay, you're okay. Remember that bullshit? Ha!
Mindovermary
If the person who wrote that e-mail to you is a "friend", I would hate to meet one of your enemies.
To that person I would simply say: Get thee the fuck away from me.
Being content with yourself and your life as is goes a long way, in my opinion.
Maybe this ‘friend’ is secretly envious.
hqgsxyf
This e-mail could have been sent to me too. Felt that spark of self recognition when I read this. In such a funk it wouldn't motivate me to change much. . .
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