There was another line in her post that I wanted to explore:
I am not in a relationship because I feel like I have to give up my identity and my soul to be in one. It's all about me. I know that no man is going to give me what I want until I'm ready to take it, and that may be never.
I have written about this before, I think. I've dated women who loved me and had a wonderful plan for my life. But it wasn't my plan. One wanted to turn me into a ballroom dancer. She has since taken up residence in Glennbeckistan, and I guess I would have been pulled along for that trip, as well. Another, who talked about Martha Stewart in a manner normally used to describe the Dalai Lama, wanted to turn me into a suburban Republican. I was not ready to do either of those things, and as I told one of them, if you want a guy like that, go find a guy like that – don't try to remodel me into that person.
I read a web post somewhere the other day about how to impress women in bars. I personally think if you're trying to impress women in bars, you've already lost the battle. But the article had advice like, 'Be the first to sit down. This demonstrates your dominance over the other males in the group.' It also recommended, 'When you sit down, spread out. Claim as much space as you can. This also establishes your dominance, plus it forces other males to remain standing, making them appear weaker than you.'
I can imagine some half-wasted bimbo in red suede cowboy boots seeing me sprawled out on a chair or sofa in a bar and thinking, 'Mmmmm – look how much space he takes up! I want to carry his seed in my body and give birth to his offspring, that our tribe may grow strong and kill many mastodon.'
The fundamental problem with almost all this 'how to pick up girls' advice is that it encourages men to adopt contrived, inauthentic personalities – to be plastic actors on a stage with other plastic actors. This is what I did in TV for many years, although for different reasons, and I can tell you from that experience that a] it's exhausting and b] you can't keep it up 24/7 forever.
In fact, if you're like me, your whole personality runs so counter to creating drama and immersing in constant stimuli and distraction that you've all but disqualified yourself from any sort of romantic opportunity.
So, like Mind Over Mary, I'm not giving up my identity or my soul to be in a relationship.
1 comment:
Sweating OK-style right now, I am in the mood to throw in my 2 cents.
In our near-autistic times, many men and women don't come across as looking for someone with whom to grow but for someone who is the partner they need in order to do stuff that's boring or impossible to do on your own. Period.
It looks like people scanning the shelves of supermarkets.
I.e. they seem to want someone who basically is like them, and if the men aren't, women (I agree) have a habit of trying to "redecorate" men to fit their personal wish list.
BTW: Many women also try that with female friends, and even this old feminist has to admit grudgingly that I've encountered far fewer men who tried to change me.
My gut feeling is that far too much is being agonised and theorised about finding or not finding partners and how and how not these days, and far too little is done spontaneously.
I once read this quotation:
"In life we don’t get what we want, we get in life what we are. If we want more we have to be able to be more, in order to be more you have to face rejection."
B
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