Lose the gut and speed up!

"Lose the gut and speed up!" was the advice I was given Thursday evening. But I don't remember what it was in relation to.

I've mentioned before I would benefit from losing weight, and perhaps I will.

This 'speed up' thing has been hanging around my neck almost all my life. I remember in second grade I was scolded for being too kinetic, and that was the last time that happened.

By third grade I needed to 'show more enthusiasm', and I was in my forties before I figured out that meant I should do pretty much the same thing I was already doing, only with more animated facial expressions and body language. And even that wasn't because it would make me more productive - it was just to increase the comfort level of those around me who had grown up in families where everyone rolled their eyes and gasped and exclaimed and enthused and thrust their heads forward and nodded emphatically and carried on about everything like you see them do at Junior League events and the Evil Empire Starbuck's.

When I was in TV, they told me I needed to 'look urgent.' That meant look as if I was saying something really really interesting and important, even if it was actually horse shit, which most of the time it was.

My idea of 'looking urgent' was the expression on the faces of guys lined up outside the rest room at a bar, but that was not the look my bosses were after.

Now we come to the thing about how slow I walk. Some people, I am told, are 'offended' by how slow I walk - people who have invested a lifetime in purposeful striding. I don't anticipate this will change, so if my slow walking offends you, perhaps you should just cover your eyes or look the other way when I'm walking. I wouldn't want to outrage your brisk, perky sensibilties.