I was once in the Albertson's supermarket with a then-girlfriend picking up groceries for dinner. She went one way and I went another. After I had picked up my list of provisions, I spotted Rolling Stone on the magazine rack. I don't remember who was on the cover, but something prompted me to stop and take a look.
Suddenly my girlfriend's voice interrupted me. "Why are you looking at that?" she demanded.
"Oh, it's just Rolling Stone," I replied. "I haven't looked at one in years."
"Yeah," she said, "I know what kind of man reads Rolling Stone," she said. "Middle-aged men who are going to" - and her voice started rising - "grow ponytails, then LEAVE THEIR WIVES, ABANDON THEIR CHILDREN AND RUN OFF WITH A GRADUATE STUDENT HALF THEIR AGE!!!"
By the time she got to 'run off with a graduate student' she was actually yelling at me (or actually her ex-husband by proxy), and other people in the store were staring at us. Maybe this helps explain why, weeks later, I climbed out a window to get away from her.
But she was exactly the kind of woman my friends thought I was 'supposed' to be with: sturdy and sensible, headed for alcoholism with a boatload of rage.
That was another in my experiments in trying to have a relationship with someone to whom I was not actually attracted, but whom I was 'supposed' to be with.
I can't help the kind of person to whom I am attracted. But I would rather be alone than be with someone I am 'supposed' to be with.
2 comments:
MCarp, I know how you feel and as I read your posts on occasion, I feel as though I'm reading my own life as it was and is now. I know from experience that when you stop looking for that other half that you think you want or doesn't exist, they will come into your life without any effort on your part. You obviously arent' ready for it yet. I think you are STILL trying to over analyze yourself and everyone else. Just chill and let it ride....it's okay to be alone and happy and when you are ready, no matter how long it takes, the right person will come along for you. You can't make it happen, you have to let it happen. Good luck in life, no matter which way you choose to go. It's your life and no one elses.
I have a ceramic plate my friend made that has aphorisms about love as part of the art. "better to be alone than wish you were" is one of my favorites. Another is "you don't have to dance every dance". I like that, too, because it is okay to sit one out you don't like. As for things coming your way when you're ready--how to be ready is the trick--I don't think it is a passive activity, but then I don't think it is active in the sense of physically chasing it down. Following your bliss instead of your stepmother's dream. Am I chasing my tail again metaphysically? That's why I don't ponder shit much anymore.
Soartstar
Post a Comment