There's this thing. Something that happened when I was a child. I feel like I know what it is, but I can't quite pull it out of my archived brain files. But sometimes, in moments of stress, it seems to push itself forward, like it's saying, "Right here, Indiana Jones. The secret is right here. Just reach over here and grab it."
But I can't.
It was something I did. Or, actually, it feels like it was something I was supposed to do, but I didn't. It wasn't a bad thing. It was just some stupid something, like fumbling a fly ball or tripping over my shoelaces – something like that. Something my parents wanted from me, and I couldn't or didn't give it to them, and I've been doing penance for it ever since.
This is why I have to have such screwed up relationship stuff. It's why women have to find me unattractive: they know. I don't know, but they know. They can't tell me; they couldn't even put it into words. But at some instinctive, below-the-baseline level of consciousness, they all know what I did.
It's part of why I'm always depressed.
It's why I have to get sick and die young.
I'm just doing my penance.
This is actually how my brain works almost every minute of the day. As crazy as I may sound most of the time, I am actually, for the most part, keeping the craziest part to myself.
Think it's excruciating to read? You should trying being in here.
4 comments:
You are almost there grasshopper! But the memory is stuck in a flood of feeling! Feel first...then the pictures will come. I hope remembering frees you of your self punishment. I'm sure it has far outweighed the crime by now. When it comes...your life will feel as different as the fish who climbed on shore. Good luck.
Interesting that you have carried this with you so long. If it was something minor and you know your parents were alcoholics and crazy, I wonder why you care at this point in your life.
I understand that this isn't a rational thought in your head, it's a thought that haunts you no matter how irrational it may be.
I also understand that some people just can't let go of these types of thoughts. It's an OCD thought.
I'm sorry you have these thoughts and the feelings that go with them. I'm sorry that you can't let it go and understand that those people can't hurt you anymore. You're an adult and your life is your own to be who and what you want to be.
But you can't. I get it. I have several friends who suffer with the same type of negative self-loathing, OCD thoughts. It's hell.
I can only tell you that I love you and will always love you just the way you are. Unconditionally.
Mindovermary
"I'm sorry that you can't let it go and understand that those people can't hurt you anymore."
The reason I can't let go of it is because I can't get hold of it. It's like having mice in your attic. You hear them scurrying around up there, and you know what it is, but you can't get rid of them until you trap them.
And it would help if I could trap this thing.
And thank you for your kind words, Mary. Sometimes I feel like you and John are like the siblings I never had.
I've had a lot of support from all over the country this week, and I am very grateful for all of it.
I love that as adults, we can pick our family. You are very much a part of mine.
If Big Brother comes here after Christmas, why don't you come with him? I would love to have you here. We can sit on my porch and have a laugh while everyone else is getting drunk at some bar.
Mindovermary
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