'zenidiot' started out as a mostly accurate depiction of the real me. But then I made an edit here, a copy and paste there, and zenidiot morphed from being who I am to who I wish I was.
If someone had assigned me the task of making a list of things I would change about myself, I would probably have written that I would like to be thinner, tidier and better organized, and that would be it.
Zenidiot, having crept out of my subconscious a sentence at a time, is a more complete portrait than I would ever have been able to write deliberately.
Even though we were the same guy, zenidiot even looked different. Compare some of the pictures I used on my dating profiles with the 'real' me.
zenidiot was not a Marlboro man or a rock star or a sophisticated playboy. He was still sarcastic, maybe less cynical, and he smiled more. He still wore berets, even though he was in Oklahoma. He was still a Zen and Taoist dabbler, and he still quoted Alan Watts.
I am almost, but not quite, him. I am him without the charisma.
I am simply who I am.
And he does not exist.
12 comments:
I don't know you very well but I've seen you around the Redcup and I follow this blog ocasionally. I also saw your profile on OKCupid. And wow, you are a real piece of work. You did the right thing suspending that profile. Do you really mean that you created that fraudulent ID accidentally? Did you accidentally forget to mention that you are seriously overweight? Did you accidentally Photoshop your pictures to make yourself look thinner? Men like you are the reason women are afraid to date or expose themselves emotionally. Your obviously very proud of your sarcasm and humor, but let me tell you they are a turnoff. A big turnoff. You make fun of women who like motorcycles but I would much rather go out with a real man on a real motorcycle than some fat blowhard who makes fun of people he cannot compete with.
By the way you owe those women a real direct apology which you are apparently not man enough to do.
Well, where do I start? When I say 'accidentally' – and I don't think I actually used that word – I mean that I did not set out with the intent to deceive people. I did not sit down at my computer thinking, "I'll just create some fake person that women will really like."
I'm guessing that you did not see my original profile. It was very bland, and yes, more honest. Women ignored it, which means it was much more consistent with my 'real' life.
I didn't forget that I was overweight. I did deliberately downplay it, and probably more than I should have. Your criticism in that regard is valid.
I didn't Photoshop pictures to make myself look thinner. Those were the actual pictures. (They're in the column of 'zenidiot' pictures in the original post.) I did choose pictures that de-emphasized my size, and I don't think I need to apologize for that.
I make you afraid to date? I have no answer for that. I don't even understand it. I think if I were a woman, I would be more afraid of men who were physically abusive or strung out on drugs or just deadbeats than someone who fibbed on his OKCupid profile.
I am proud, so to speak, of my sense of humor. I think it's one of my strongest character traits. The sarcasm, on the other hand, is something I'm not proud of. I struggle with it all the time.
Please feel free to date men on motorcycles. I have no stake in that one way or the other. I have friends who ride motorcycles exclusively.
As for the apologies: I probably need to clarify that I didn't stand anyone up. These were two women with whom I discussed, in very general terms, coffee dates after the Thanksgiving holiday had passed.
They're both very attractive women, and I'm sure I was just one man among many who had proposed such meetings. I doubt either is sitting at home tonight waiting for my email. They're probably out with guys who are thinner than me, and less sarcastic, to boot. Maybe they're even on motorcycles.
But I agree that they probably deserve a real apology. That being said, I'm not prepared to reopen Pandora's box to give it to them.
By the way, among those pictures in the original post, I am especially fond of the one in which Mary Olive is creeping behind me, back pressed against the wall of Galileo, frightened that I might take a step backward and simply crush the life from her.
As I've written before, I have no internal concept of my own size. In my own mind, I look like everyone else. It's pictures like that one that made me finally realize that other people sometimes view me as a huge, scary, looming hulk.
Blah blah blah blah blah blah the more you talk the more obnoxous you become.
I do not believe "Anonymous" is the disinterested person she pretends to be. I also believe she's merely trying to goad and hurt you for her own petty reasons -- although God only knows why since you seem to be doing a pretty good job of beating yourself up.
NO ONE can write honestly about themselves, Mike. No one. We are the only person in the world about whom we cannot be objective. And no one on those sites, male or female, tells all in the profile. Everyone tries to make a good first impression. Every single damn one.
You are smart and have a great sense of humor. The spiritual beliefs you hold are less important than the fact that you have them and you are serious about them. What is for some women a deal breaker is exactly what another woman really wants. It's not for you to decide (nor Ms. Anonymous). Some women actually like big men, but you seem to have forgotten that. You are very well informed and, as a result, interesting to engage in conversation. You are financially stable and that's a big plus in the dating market. You are looking for a relationship and not mere sex and that's also a big plus in the dating market. You have the time for travel and you don't come with the baggage of a recent hateful X or an impossible mother in law your next has to accommodate -- big pluses.
To describe yourself as a deceitful fat slob is more dishonest than "Zenidiot", so get a grip.
blogblah
Some women actually like big men, but you seem to have forgotten that. LOL!! good luck with that!!!
Wow, the original anonymous has quite a chip on their shoulder. I promise you that NO one is completely honest on a dating profile. How do I know this, because I know people. No one is totally honest about themselves. How can we be? My perspective cannot be objective. We have areas that we are uncomfortable with and YES, we would downplay those. It is HUMAN nature. Wow, get over it.
A friend of Mike's!
I would like an apology. And I believe I am more deserving of one than OKCupid potentials. Just sayin...
No, me! Apologize to me!
OK, fine... apologies for everyone. Whoever you are.
By the way, to the first Anonymous commenter: I find the tone of your accusations strident, but I won't reject the content out of hand because of that. I'm wondering if by some chance you've had the experience of meeting a man through the Internet, only to discover upon meeting him face to face that he was nothing like the person he represented himself to be?
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