Unless we've attained a certain amount of mastery over our own brains through meditation or some similar process, we're always thinking about something. We even think in our sleep, which is dreaming.
It has always been true that my mind tends to focus on the negative. I even know, from my serious therapy years, why this happens: home life as a child and adolescent was full of weird shit, mostly alcohol-fueled but also driven by oddball parental sexual hijinks with family friends –– along with all the drama those escapades were intended to create –– and I was constantly on the alert.
I watched vigilantly for things that might intrude on the stability and well-being of the small calm space I tried to reserve for myself, and which was always under seige. I always worried about bad stuff happening because bad stuff really was about to happen.
In 2006, the situation has changed, but the habitual thinking of 1966 is still there.
When I am alone and in a quiet place, I find myself occasionally dwelling on bad things that happened to me in the past, and much more frequently worrying about bad things that are about to happen to me in the future. Although I haven't been successful in changing this mode of thinking, I have at least come to understand why it happens.
Soartstar and I were in a far north side restaurant the other day, and we noticed how the people all around us seemed happy. They weren't happy in a way either of us would want for ourselves –– they had that sort of bland, glazed-eye, pasty, doughy happiness that comes from a general ignorance of the world in which they live. They've managed to surround themselves with plenty of Tommy Hilfiger and Chevy Tahoe body armor, and the credit cards haven't maxed out yet, and their news comes from FOX and the Oklahoman, so they think they're okay and all's well with the world.
That's not for me. I don't want to be happy because I'm ignorant. But is it possible to reorient one's mind so that, in those quiet times without distraction, you really are, forgive the Pollyanna-ish expression, 'thinking happy thoughts' about daily life?
I very very rarely find myself naturally thinking about the good things that have happened to me. Granted there haven't been as many for me as for some others, but there certainly have been some, and it's hard to keep those in mind. Occasionally I will catch myself in the midst of negative thinking and try to make myself reorient my thinking. But I usually draw a blank... nothing good comes to mind.
Meditation has helped to get the 10,000 screaming depressed monkeys to shut up now and then and give me a few moments peace, but I'd also like to find out if there are any cheerful screaming monkeys who would like to have a say.
I know people who had the same kind of childhood I had, only amplified a few hundred percent, and they seem to be able to conjure up some pleasant, positive hopeful thoughts now and then.
Sometimes I think this is the point where a real physical in-the-flesh guru or teacher might help, as opposed to relying on books to self-help my way out of this. I believe there must be a physical process to modify this (without becoming a sheep), but I don't know what it is.
I will tell you that the negativity is exhausting. The older I get, the more it wears me out. I wish I could quit worrying and obsessing.
Also...
iTunes: Wild Geese Descend on the Smooth Sand, Lui Pui-yuen
6 comments:
the 10,000 screaming depressed monkeys...
this phrase is so true. i love it. i mean, i don't love that they are screaming and depressed but this is how it seems sometimes...you have described it perfectly. my teacher talks about the monkey mind...that jumps from branch to branch in our minds, distracting us with all the thoughts. but i so agree that there are days when it is more like 10,000 screaming depressed monkeys instead of one distracting, playful one.
sitting in the quiet seems to be the only way i think. even though it seems hard. somehow it forces them to shut down a little bit more each time.
The happy monkeys aren't like the screaming depressed ones. I mean you probably won't replace the negative memories with comparable positive ones. When I am happy -- which is not so much lately, I admit -- anyway when I am, it comes from taking notice of the small, insignificant things, and really enjoying them. I mean the smell of the night air, or the feel of wind on my skin, that first hot cup of coffee in the morning, the feel of a cat's fur. That is where the beauty and pleasure resides.
I think you have the capacity to be happy. I think the single revelation that stands between you and happiness is this: everyone on the planet has an inner life as compelling as your own.
I think once you realize this, you will see those Tommy Hilfiger-clad souls sitting in restaurants as brave & gallant & doing the best they can under circumstances that are far from ideal -- just as you are -- and that will move you and release you from your anger towards them.
'Cause you know, depression is really anger turned inward...
No no no!
I have the most compelling inner life there is!
No, I do!!
NOoooooo!!!! ME!
I have the most compelling inner life!
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