My life is 99.99 per cent perfect, so why do I keep looking for the remaining .01 percent?
Some people are never satisfied.
Truth to tell, I wouldn't know that last sliver if I saw it. What would it be?
A friend told me her New Years Eve plan was to smuggle a bottle of champagne into the Myriad Gardens tonight and wander around amongst the holiday lights by herself. That sounded pretty bleak to me, but I didn't tell her so.
I drove around tonight looking for a party. I guess my info was wrong, because it was not there. Later I saw blogblah! in his camel overcoat on the sidewalk in front of Galileo, smoking a cig and looking pensive.
Then I went home, nuked some macaroni and cheese, fiddled with a web site (Now with Flash! Take a look...), and now I'm about ready for bed.
Another day in paradise.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 30, 2007
I thought that was the 'Bush-Cheney effect'
"The Dunning-Kruger effect is the phenomenon wherein people who have little knowledge think that they know more than others who have much more knowledge."
Wikipedia
Wikipedia
Dick Cavett
It may or may not surprise you that I was big fan of The Dick Cavett Show when it was on ABC in the late sixties and early seventies. I'm not sure what other teenagers were watching in 1968 or '69... The Guns of Will Sonnett or The Virginian, I guess. But I was always in front of the tube when Dick Cavett was on.
I mention this after finding, via Atrios, Dick Cavett's blog on the NYT web site. It's mostly reminiscing about his talk show days – not surprisingly, it's heavy on Groucho and Norman Mailer. Here's a link.
I mention this after finding, via Atrios, Dick Cavett's blog on the NYT web site. It's mostly reminiscing about his talk show days – not surprisingly, it's heavy on Groucho and Norman Mailer. Here's a link.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
All things must pass
I've had a very interesting holiday season. For the last five to eight weeks or so, I've been in an unusually elevated mood.
During that time, I've gotten some projects done. I had been putting off getting the heater fan on my car fixed for three or four years. I had put off having the mole removed since 2002. I also got a few household chores done and gave away a few old clothes.
I indulged a couple of infatuations – and sure enough, I was made foolish.
I started walking almost every day – slightly less than a mile but more than I had been doing.
I drank more wine than I usually do. I spent a couple of evenings in bars I don't usually visit. I got outside of my geographic comfort zone more often than usual.
My spirits stayed good even during the six days I was exiled from my home by the power outage.
I had a perfectly wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas Day.
But whatever propelled me to this elevated mood is starting to wear off. Maybe it was the fish oil, maybe it was something else. My perception is a little off right now because of this cold I have, but I can tell I'm returning to normal.
In a way, this is a good thing. It's like if you take a trip to Disney World: you have fun while you're there, but it's good to get back on the familiar ground of home. To be attached to a certain state of mind is still an attachment. Some people do dangerous and destructive things to keep their moods elevated – my plan is to just let mine return to normal.
I'm avoiding people right now not because I'm depressed, but because of my cold. But don't be surprised if, when you see me next, the old mcarp is back.
During that time, I've gotten some projects done. I had been putting off getting the heater fan on my car fixed for three or four years. I had put off having the mole removed since 2002. I also got a few household chores done and gave away a few old clothes.
I indulged a couple of infatuations – and sure enough, I was made foolish.
I started walking almost every day – slightly less than a mile but more than I had been doing.
I drank more wine than I usually do. I spent a couple of evenings in bars I don't usually visit. I got outside of my geographic comfort zone more often than usual.
My spirits stayed good even during the six days I was exiled from my home by the power outage.
I had a perfectly wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas Day.
But whatever propelled me to this elevated mood is starting to wear off. Maybe it was the fish oil, maybe it was something else. My perception is a little off right now because of this cold I have, but I can tell I'm returning to normal.
In a way, this is a good thing. It's like if you take a trip to Disney World: you have fun while you're there, but it's good to get back on the familiar ground of home. To be attached to a certain state of mind is still an attachment. Some people do dangerous and destructive things to keep their moods elevated – my plan is to just let mine return to normal.
I'm avoiding people right now not because I'm depressed, but because of my cold. But don't be surprised if, when you see me next, the old mcarp is back.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Why I'm leaning toward Edwards
I hope he stays with this theme. It will be interesting to see how well this serves him in Iowa.
Actually, I talk too much
I occasionally am ribbed for not being very talkative.
I suppose that's true, but barely a day goes by that I don't say something I instantly wish I hadn't said. Right now I can think of two or three occasions in the past ten days where I said something that would have been better left unspoken.
I don't have much of any usefulness or importance to say (neither do most of us, if the truth be known), and if I could limit my speech to the things that were of real value, I'd speak maybe once every two days. (See what meditation teacher Joseph Goldstein said on this same subject.)
Sometimes at one of my local hangouts, a friend will come up and sit down, say "Hi," and nothing else. I'll say "Hi" in response and then we'll sit there silently. I'm OK with this. We each realize (I hope) that we can be friends in each other's company without filling the air with mindless jabber.
I have a few friends who have attended a ten-day silent meditation retreat in Texas. I wonder how I would survive that. I also remember the actor Larry Hagman's habit of setting aside one day a week in which he never spoke. That seemed eccentric when I first read of it twenty-five or so years ago, but it seems rather sensible today.
I suppose that's true, but barely a day goes by that I don't say something I instantly wish I hadn't said. Right now I can think of two or three occasions in the past ten days where I said something that would have been better left unspoken.
I don't have much of any usefulness or importance to say (neither do most of us, if the truth be known), and if I could limit my speech to the things that were of real value, I'd speak maybe once every two days. (See what meditation teacher Joseph Goldstein said on this same subject.)
Sometimes at one of my local hangouts, a friend will come up and sit down, say "Hi," and nothing else. I'll say "Hi" in response and then we'll sit there silently. I'm OK with this. We each realize (I hope) that we can be friends in each other's company without filling the air with mindless jabber.
I have a few friends who have attended a ten-day silent meditation retreat in Texas. I wonder how I would survive that. I also remember the actor Larry Hagman's habit of setting aside one day a week in which he never spoke. That seemed eccentric when I first read of it twenty-five or so years ago, but it seems rather sensible today.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
The Gospel of Prosperity
CNN has an Associated Press article examining the dark side of the 'Gospel of Prosperity.'
The cutaneous horn and I
I had a growth removed from my chest today. The doctor called it a 'combination mole and cutaneous horn.' I Googled the term "cutaneous horn,' but none of the examples I found looked exactly like mine. Most were worse.
This growth first appeared in about 1983 as an ordinary-looking mole. But it slowly grew until, in 2007, it was bigger around than the tip of my thumb, and almost 3/8" high. I was either going to have to have it removed or have a bra made for it.
I should have taken a pic of the excised growth with my cell phone, but I didn't think about until after I left the clinic.
I now have about a half-dozen stitches holding together the area of my skin from which the growth was cut.
This growth first appeared in about 1983 as an ordinary-looking mole. But it slowly grew until, in 2007, it was bigger around than the tip of my thumb, and almost 3/8" high. I was either going to have to have it removed or have a bra made for it.
I should have taken a pic of the excised growth with my cell phone, but I didn't think about until after I left the clinic.
I now have about a half-dozen stitches holding together the area of my skin from which the growth was cut.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Christmas Day, 2007
...was yesterday. I spent most of the day with friends, and had plenty to eat. I didn't buy a thing, except a cheese plate, didn't give a thing, didn't receive a thing. It was the best Christmas I've had in at least ten years.
There is no material thing that is better than time with your friends.
There is no material thing that is better than time with your friends.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Christmas Eve, 2007
I was sitting in a restaurant this evening - one of the old haunts from my TV news days - when a group of thirty-something suits came in. They were not TV people, as far as I could tell. They were more likely bankers or stock brokers or something like that.
They wore charcoal gray suits, white pinpoint oxford shirts, Florsheim or Cole-Haan captoe oxfords and solid ties. They had precise cardboard hair styles. Their wives or girlfriends were with them. Their black dresses and hairstyles were essentially identical and very proper and far north side.
Nearby at the bar, a man had taken off his suit jacket to show another fellow the label. I could see from where I was it wasn't all that great a suit, but he apparently wanted his friend to see what a prestige label it was. After that, he bent down to pull off a shoe - I assume to show his friend the label on that, as well - then thought better of it and sat back down at the bar.
I used to be like that. It was partly out of necessity - I was stuck in a materialistic, corporate world where I didn't fit in, no matter how much I tried. But I was also like that partly out of desire to impress other people with my wardrobe. The reason I knew the guy's suit wasn't all that great is because I have actually studied the subject. I could easily see myself in 1987 or thereabouts pulling off my clothes to flash the labels at someone else.
But I was sitting there tonight in my denim jacket, cargo pants and black mock turtleneck, being very thankful I am no longer in that world. I recognize that many people live in that world and are entirely comfortable and happy with it. Good for them. But it was not for me.
I am blessed and grateful to have been delivered from that. Part of it is of my own doing, but most of it is because of events that were beyond my control. I was carried along by the river, and it eventually took me to a place where I can feel relaxed and at home.
I continue to be astonished at how much my life has changed. It's as if I had died and gone to heaven. Sometimes I'm depressed about things, as you can tell from many previous posts. But by and large, my life has changed for the better to a degree that I think most people don't get to experience.
Merry Christmas to all of you.
They wore charcoal gray suits, white pinpoint oxford shirts, Florsheim or Cole-Haan captoe oxfords and solid ties. They had precise cardboard hair styles. Their wives or girlfriends were with them. Their black dresses and hairstyles were essentially identical and very proper and far north side.
Nearby at the bar, a man had taken off his suit jacket to show another fellow the label. I could see from where I was it wasn't all that great a suit, but he apparently wanted his friend to see what a prestige label it was. After that, he bent down to pull off a shoe - I assume to show his friend the label on that, as well - then thought better of it and sat back down at the bar.
I used to be like that. It was partly out of necessity - I was stuck in a materialistic, corporate world where I didn't fit in, no matter how much I tried. But I was also like that partly out of desire to impress other people with my wardrobe. The reason I knew the guy's suit wasn't all that great is because I have actually studied the subject. I could easily see myself in 1987 or thereabouts pulling off my clothes to flash the labels at someone else.
But I was sitting there tonight in my denim jacket, cargo pants and black mock turtleneck, being very thankful I am no longer in that world. I recognize that many people live in that world and are entirely comfortable and happy with it. Good for them. But it was not for me.
I am blessed and grateful to have been delivered from that. Part of it is of my own doing, but most of it is because of events that were beyond my control. I was carried along by the river, and it eventually took me to a place where I can feel relaxed and at home.
I continue to be astonished at how much my life has changed. It's as if I had died and gone to heaven. Sometimes I'm depressed about things, as you can tell from many previous posts. But by and large, my life has changed for the better to a degree that I think most people don't get to experience.
Merry Christmas to all of you.
Monday dreams
I went back to bed and laid there thinking about how much time I've spent the past few weeks wallowing in emotionalism, memories and self-pity. And I got to where I felt kind of queasy and sick to my stomach about it – like I'd overdosed on banana caramels again.
So, I've got to stop.
After I went back to bed, I had a couple of strange dreams. One was something about boats at the Hefner Marina being auctioned off for a fraction of their value because their owners had abandoned them and not paid their slip fees. I was with someone else and we were looking at pictures in the newspaper of some of the auctioned boats.
In the second dream, I was sitting with my father somewhere - like in a living room or something. He stood up and stretched and said, "Well, I think I'm going to bed now."
I noticed he looked great - healthy and happy. He was wearing a light blue cardigan over a white button-down shirt, and some sort of casual slacks. His hair and beard were trimmed and his face was free of the burst blood vessels and capillaries he had in his cheeks and nose from about age 60 on.
I was doing some mental math, trying to recall how old he actually was - let's see, I think he was 22 when I was born, so that would make him - and then I remembered: he's dead. I was there when he died.
So I stood up and I put my arms around him, and I said, "Dad, it's always great when you can come around. Seriously." And I put my arms around him and held him - more like I'd hold my own child if I had one than the way I ever hugged him in life.
"I know, son," he said.
And then I woke up with tears in my eyes.
But this wasn't my real father. This was some idealized fiction - the way my dad would have looked if he'd been cast in the lead of "Father Knows Best.'
I hope he doesn't actually decide to start showing up all the time.
So, I've got to stop.
After I went back to bed, I had a couple of strange dreams. One was something about boats at the Hefner Marina being auctioned off for a fraction of their value because their owners had abandoned them and not paid their slip fees. I was with someone else and we were looking at pictures in the newspaper of some of the auctioned boats.
In the second dream, I was sitting with my father somewhere - like in a living room or something. He stood up and stretched and said, "Well, I think I'm going to bed now."
I noticed he looked great - healthy and happy. He was wearing a light blue cardigan over a white button-down shirt, and some sort of casual slacks. His hair and beard were trimmed and his face was free of the burst blood vessels and capillaries he had in his cheeks and nose from about age 60 on.
I was doing some mental math, trying to recall how old he actually was - let's see, I think he was 22 when I was born, so that would make him - and then I remembered: he's dead. I was there when he died.
So I stood up and I put my arms around him, and I said, "Dad, it's always great when you can come around. Seriously." And I put my arms around him and held him - more like I'd hold my own child if I had one than the way I ever hugged him in life.
"I know, son," he said.
And then I woke up with tears in my eyes.
But this wasn't my real father. This was some idealized fiction - the way my dad would have looked if he'd been cast in the lead of "Father Knows Best.'
I hope he doesn't actually decide to start showing up all the time.
The full moon
I noticed the moon is full or nearly so.
A few years ago, during one of those periods when I was doing rather more magical thinking than I do now, I sent someone a series of emails about the beauty and magic of the full moon. I was infatuated - not by the moon, but by her.
And when she didn't tell me to take a flying leap, I interpreted that as a sign I might win her over. Actually, she was being polite because she valued my friendship and couldn't figure out how to get me to stop without hurting my feelings. Eventually, because I couldn't take a hint, she had to just be blunt and tell me to stop.
That turned into a good exercise in non-attachment for me.
Sometimes I have to resist the temptation to email her – "Hey, I thought I'd just drop you a line after all these months to let you know how non-attached I am now."
But every time I see the full moon...
A few years ago, during one of those periods when I was doing rather more magical thinking than I do now, I sent someone a series of emails about the beauty and magic of the full moon. I was infatuated - not by the moon, but by her.
And when she didn't tell me to take a flying leap, I interpreted that as a sign I might win her over. Actually, she was being polite because she valued my friendship and couldn't figure out how to get me to stop without hurting my feelings. Eventually, because I couldn't take a hint, she had to just be blunt and tell me to stop.
That turned into a good exercise in non-attachment for me.
Sometimes I have to resist the temptation to email her – "Hey, I thought I'd just drop you a line after all these months to let you know how non-attached I am now."
But every time I see the full moon...
Three kittens
I mentioned in a previous post that I have three kittens in the house. They're still young enough that they speand all their time together and sleep in a pile in one corner.
Two of these kittens will not let me near them. If I manage to catch one, it doesn't claw or bite to get free, but neither enjoys being touched or handled. The third kitten, however, is not afraid to loosen its belt and go looking for trouble.
The other kittens won't eat until after the adult cats have cleared the area. But this one eats with the grownups, and slaps at adult cats that crowd it at the food bowl. Occasionally, when I'm sleeping and wake up, I'll find it sleeping on top of me.
This kitten is also quite a bit smaller than the other two. We have a genetic strain of small cats in this neighborhood and this one may turn out to be the smallest yet.
But I wonder what makes this one less afraid of me and the grown cats than its two siblings.
Two of these kittens will not let me near them. If I manage to catch one, it doesn't claw or bite to get free, but neither enjoys being touched or handled. The third kitten, however, is not afraid to loosen its belt and go looking for trouble.
The other kittens won't eat until after the adult cats have cleared the area. But this one eats with the grownups, and slaps at adult cats that crowd it at the food bowl. Occasionally, when I'm sleeping and wake up, I'll find it sleeping on top of me.
This kitten is also quite a bit smaller than the other two. We have a genetic strain of small cats in this neighborhood and this one may turn out to be the smallest yet.
But I wonder what makes this one less afraid of me and the grown cats than its two siblings.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Dharma talks
I wrote a few months back that I found numerous dharma talks and Buddhist teachings on iTunes as free podcasts. I now have 1,115 of these talks stored on my hard drive (granted, some are multi-chapter talks divided into segments) – 31.2 days in length if I sat down and played them back to back 24/7.
I've actually listened to about four of them.
Sometimes I think there must be a vast treasure trove of wisdom in there awaiting discovery. Other times I think, 'Well, the ball is round, I can see that the ball is round - how many more people do I need to have tell me the ball is round?'
I've actually listened to about four of them.
Sometimes I think there must be a vast treasure trove of wisdom in there awaiting discovery. Other times I think, 'Well, the ball is round, I can see that the ball is round - how many more people do I need to have tell me the ball is round?'
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Close to the edge
Maybe it's the fish oil, maybe it's having a few friends who are young and still enthusiastic about being alive. Whatever it is, I've lately been drawn back into the realm of emotions and desires.
Every so often, someone will encourage me to not be so shut down emotionally... to get out there and take a chance on love, or life, or excitement, or passion, or whatever. Let me show you an artist's conception of how that has worked for me in the past:
As I said in the previous post, my goal is peace, tranquility and stability. Following the teachings of the Buddha, as well as Taoist masters like Wen-Tzu and Chuang-Tzu, and Zen teachers ranging from Hui-Neng to Seung Sahn, seems to work for me.
As I think I've mentioned elsewhere, I didn't have to tear myself away from a life of glamour and romance to do this. What I had to do was make some sense out of the life of an ordinary person of average appearance and tolerable personality who was not going to be able to fulfill his heart's desires and who did not want to anesthetize himself with drugs or home shopping channels.
So when I say I'm being drawn back into the realm of emotions and desires, that's not really correct. I was never there, and I never felt that realm was open to me. It would be more accurate to say that I am being drawn toward some idealized notion of what that realm would be like, even though experience gives the lie to the perception.
A few months ago, a couple of friends quoted Zorba the Greek to me: "To be alive is to undo your belt and look for trouble." The only trouble I would have in that circumstance is that my pants would fall down.
No, I don't want to look for trouble. And I don't want trouble to come to me.
I've said this a half dozen times in the past few months, but I am so damn grateful that my life has reached the stage it's at. I never thought I would be living the life I have now. Why undermine it by going back into crazyworld?
Every so often, someone will encourage me to not be so shut down emotionally... to get out there and take a chance on love, or life, or excitement, or passion, or whatever. Let me show you an artist's conception of how that has worked for me in the past:
As I said in the previous post, my goal is peace, tranquility and stability. Following the teachings of the Buddha, as well as Taoist masters like Wen-Tzu and Chuang-Tzu, and Zen teachers ranging from Hui-Neng to Seung Sahn, seems to work for me.
As I think I've mentioned elsewhere, I didn't have to tear myself away from a life of glamour and romance to do this. What I had to do was make some sense out of the life of an ordinary person of average appearance and tolerable personality who was not going to be able to fulfill his heart's desires and who did not want to anesthetize himself with drugs or home shopping channels.
So when I say I'm being drawn back into the realm of emotions and desires, that's not really correct. I was never there, and I never felt that realm was open to me. It would be more accurate to say that I am being drawn toward some idealized notion of what that realm would be like, even though experience gives the lie to the perception.
A few months ago, a couple of friends quoted Zorba the Greek to me: "To be alive is to undo your belt and look for trouble." The only trouble I would have in that circumstance is that my pants would fall down.
No, I don't want to look for trouble. And I don't want trouble to come to me.
I've said this a half dozen times in the past few months, but I am so damn grateful that my life has reached the stage it's at. I never thought I would be living the life I have now. Why undermine it by going back into crazyworld?
Can I be a Buddhist but...?
I've gotten a couple of messages from Buddhist email lists over the past few days that fall under the general heading of 'Can I still be a Buddhist but avoid some practice of Buddhism I find unpleasant?'
I may be a Buddhist, and I may not be. But my goal is not to 'be a Buddhist.' My goal is peace, tranquility and stability. Following the teachings of the Buddha, as well as Taoist masters like Wen-Tzu and Chuang-Tzu, and Zen teachers ranging from Hui-Neng to Seung Sahn, seems to work for me.
What does that make me? I don't know. I don't care. Why do I need a label?
I may be a Buddhist, and I may not be. But my goal is not to 'be a Buddhist.' My goal is peace, tranquility and stability. Following the teachings of the Buddha, as well as Taoist masters like Wen-Tzu and Chuang-Tzu, and Zen teachers ranging from Hui-Neng to Seung Sahn, seems to work for me.
What does that make me? I don't know. I don't care. Why do I need a label?
Correcting a contradiction
Re-reading comments from the post on 'Nothing to Do, Nowhere to Go', I see that I contradicted myself on the subject of destiny. Let me try to clarify.
I don't believe in destiny in the sense of it being some sort of higher purpose to which we are called by a thinking, sentient supreme being or the Force or whatever you want to call it.
I believe that there is a basic flow to nature – part of what is sometimes called the Tao – which we eventually follow, whether we want to or not. That is the only destiny we have. It is more productive, in my opinion, to live one's life in harmony with that flow than to try to work against it.
I don't believe in destiny in the sense of it being some sort of higher purpose to which we are called by a thinking, sentient supreme being or the Force or whatever you want to call it.
I believe that there is a basic flow to nature – part of what is sometimes called the Tao – which we eventually follow, whether we want to or not. That is the only destiny we have. It is more productive, in my opinion, to live one's life in harmony with that flow than to try to work against it.
Another online poll!
Lifted from a Red Cup friend's myspace blog:
1) Where did you begin 2007?
Working full time for a government department, spending most of my free time at the Red Cup or nearby.
2) What was your status by Valentine's Day?
Single, not in a relationship. Still working full time, and spending my free time at the Red Cup.
3) Were you in school (anytime this year)?
One professional CE seminar, plus two online courses required for admission to the seminar.
4) How did you earn your money?
Full time job first half of the year; living off money in the bank second half of the year.
5) Did you have to go to the hospital?
I don't remember... was the cat bite in late '06 or early '07?
6) Did you have any encounters with the police?
No.
7) Where did you go on holidays?
Had Thanksgiving dinner at a friend's house and will do the same on Christmas.
8) What did you purchase that was over $1000?
A bicycle. And I got the house painted.
9) Did you know anybody who got married?
No.
10) Did you know anybody who passed away?
Nobody to whom I was close. A couple of people who were friends of friends.
12) Did you move anywhere?
No.
14) What concerts/shows did you go to?
Live music at the Red Cup and Sauced.
15) Are you registered to vote?
Yes
16) Who did you want to win American Idol?
I've never seen American Idol.
17) Where do you live now?
The same place I've lived since 2001.
18) Describe your birthday.
I assume it will be another day in the life. It usually is.
19) What's one thing you thought you'd never do but did in 2007?
Can't think of one. I did a couple of things that I thought would be years away instead of now, but nothing that I thought would never happen at all.
20) What has been your favorite moment?
I've had a lot of 'moments' that were brief periods of small "e" enlightenment. It's been very pleasant getting manufactured drama and stress out of my life, although I still occasionally backslide.
21) What's something you learned about yourself?
I don't recall anything new this year.
22) Any new additions to your family?
Three kittens.
23.) What was your best month?
Probably November.
24.) What song will remind you of 2007?
I don't know.
25.) Looking forward to a New Year?
2008 is the year I'm finally going to learn how to relax.
1) Where did you begin 2007?
Working full time for a government department, spending most of my free time at the Red Cup or nearby.
2) What was your status by Valentine's Day?
Single, not in a relationship. Still working full time, and spending my free time at the Red Cup.
3) Were you in school (anytime this year)?
One professional CE seminar, plus two online courses required for admission to the seminar.
4) How did you earn your money?
Full time job first half of the year; living off money in the bank second half of the year.
5) Did you have to go to the hospital?
I don't remember... was the cat bite in late '06 or early '07?
6) Did you have any encounters with the police?
No.
7) Where did you go on holidays?
Had Thanksgiving dinner at a friend's house and will do the same on Christmas.
8) What did you purchase that was over $1000?
A bicycle. And I got the house painted.
9) Did you know anybody who got married?
No.
10) Did you know anybody who passed away?
Nobody to whom I was close. A couple of people who were friends of friends.
12) Did you move anywhere?
No.
14) What concerts/shows did you go to?
Live music at the Red Cup and Sauced.
15) Are you registered to vote?
Yes
16) Who did you want to win American Idol?
I've never seen American Idol.
17) Where do you live now?
The same place I've lived since 2001.
18) Describe your birthday.
I assume it will be another day in the life. It usually is.
19) What's one thing you thought you'd never do but did in 2007?
Can't think of one. I did a couple of things that I thought would be years away instead of now, but nothing that I thought would never happen at all.
20) What has been your favorite moment?
I've had a lot of 'moments' that were brief periods of small "e" enlightenment. It's been very pleasant getting manufactured drama and stress out of my life, although I still occasionally backslide.
21) What's something you learned about yourself?
I don't recall anything new this year.
22) Any new additions to your family?
Three kittens.
23.) What was your best month?
Probably November.
24.) What song will remind you of 2007?
I don't know.
25.) Looking forward to a New Year?
2008 is the year I'm finally going to learn how to relax.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Wanna kick it? Apparently not.
I see that Nina/Christina has decided to severely redact and perhaps suspend Flibbertigibbet!
No more breakups over the doctrine of virgin birth. No more infatuations with 6'2" bodybuilders. No more L1-4. No more updates on Louah, PDB or NPD Boy. No more Rick Springfield.
Well, okay... I can live without the Rick Springfield stuff.
Personally, I hope she has just moved all those posts to 'draft' and hasn't deleted them altogether, and will reconsider her decision.
No more breakups over the doctrine of virgin birth. No more infatuations with 6'2" bodybuilders. No more L1-4. No more updates on Louah, PDB or NPD Boy. No more Rick Springfield.
Well, okay... I can live without the Rick Springfield stuff.
Personally, I hope she has just moved all those posts to 'draft' and hasn't deleted them altogether, and will reconsider her decision.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Nothing to Do, Nowhere to Go
You'd think I'd be able to sail through a book with a title like "Nothing to Do, Nowhere to Go," but in fact it's been pretty slow going.
This is a commentary by Thich Nhat Hanh on the teachings of Linji (also known as Rinzai), who was one of the great figures of early Ch'an (or Zen).
My own experience tells me this is true. Even so, I find that I haven't reached the point of truly stopping – truly putting everything down.
On the other hand, I realize that before I had any understanding of Zen teachings, I was already farther along this path than most people ever care to go. I'd guess the reason I was so drawn to it is because by the time I reached mid-adolescence, I was already frustrated and worn out with trying to meet the expectations and standards of society. It's a lot easier to let go of the stuff if your grip on it was never very good to begin with.
Nonetheless, I find this book to be more difficult to digest than a lot of other things I've read.
This is a commentary by Thich Nhat Hanh on the teachings of Linji (also known as Rinzai), who was one of the great figures of early Ch'an (or Zen).
A Buddha is a person who has no more business to do and isn't looking for anything. In doing nothing, in simply stopping, we can live freely and true to ourselves and our liberation will contribute to the liberation of all beings.
My own experience tells me this is true. Even so, I find that I haven't reached the point of truly stopping – truly putting everything down.
On the other hand, I realize that before I had any understanding of Zen teachings, I was already farther along this path than most people ever care to go. I'd guess the reason I was so drawn to it is because by the time I reached mid-adolescence, I was already frustrated and worn out with trying to meet the expectations and standards of society. It's a lot easier to let go of the stuff if your grip on it was never very good to begin with.
Nonetheless, I find this book to be more difficult to digest than a lot of other things I've read.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Another day in paradise
I want to reiterate how great my life is. Yes, my car is full of junk. The house looks like Al-Qaeda flew a 747 loaded with cat shit into it.
But if you could have seen my life on this day in 1998 you would know why I constantly have to stop and remind myself that yes, this is really happening to me.
But if you could have seen my life on this day in 1998 you would know why I constantly have to stop and remind myself that yes, this is really happening to me.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Another reason to love MySpace
I mean, Jesus God... what am I looking at here?
Of course, you have to see it with the Flash-animated ads running over and over and over and over to get the full effect.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Grocery shopping with the Robert Shaw Chorale
I went to the supermarket tonight to pick up something to snack on. I lost everything in the fridge during the power outage, so the pickings in the house were rather slim.
The supermarket, at 39th & Pennsylvania, was almost empty at 5pm.
Across the street, a half-dozen police units were converged on a parked car.
"God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen" was playing over the PA system.
I don't know why stores feel the need to play Christmas music. It doesn't make the shopping experience any more festive. In inner-city neighborhoods like this one, it tends to make an otherwise ordinary day seem bleak and empty.
Some of my friends and/or fellow bloggers have talked about finding 'that special someone' during the holidays. I feel that same way at times, except that I see it as looking for someone who will distract me from the depressing aspects of National Buy Something For Jesus' Birthday Month.
Distraction is, in the end, another sucker bet. We have a whole nation of people looking for things that will distract them from reality, and sometimes spending themselves into bankruptcy for them. I'm not just talking about drugs, either. There's satellite radio, cable TV, season football tickets and more.
I guess I need some kind of strong wrap-up here, but I don't have one.
The supermarket, at 39th & Pennsylvania, was almost empty at 5pm.
Across the street, a half-dozen police units were converged on a parked car.
"God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen" was playing over the PA system.
I don't know why stores feel the need to play Christmas music. It doesn't make the shopping experience any more festive. In inner-city neighborhoods like this one, it tends to make an otherwise ordinary day seem bleak and empty.
Some of my friends and/or fellow bloggers have talked about finding 'that special someone' during the holidays. I feel that same way at times, except that I see it as looking for someone who will distract me from the depressing aspects of National Buy Something For Jesus' Birthday Month.
Distraction is, in the end, another sucker bet. We have a whole nation of people looking for things that will distract them from reality, and sometimes spending themselves into bankruptcy for them. I'm not just talking about drugs, either. There's satellite radio, cable TV, season football tickets and more.
I guess I need some kind of strong wrap-up here, but I don't have one.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Friday, December 14, 2007
That special someone
From MindOverMary:
It took me a long time to figure this out, but there are no special someones. There are only other people who are roughly as screwed up as you and I are, although perhaps in different ways. So you can either try to make something work with someone who is flawed and imperfect just as you and I are, or you can go it alone.
I found I generally lacked the patience or wisdom to deal with women as flawed and as imperfect as I am. I still want White Tara. Since she doesn't exist, I generally go it alone.
This time of year always makes me yearn for that special someone to come into my life and sweep me off my feet.
It took me a long time to figure this out, but there are no special someones. There are only other people who are roughly as screwed up as you and I are, although perhaps in different ways. So you can either try to make something work with someone who is flawed and imperfect just as you and I are, or you can go it alone.
I found I generally lacked the patience or wisdom to deal with women as flawed and as imperfect as I am. I still want White Tara. Since she doesn't exist, I generally go it alone.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
The weather report
For those of you outside the metro and relying on national news coverage for ice storm info: a friend called the power company yesterday and was told it would probably be two weeks before the power is back on in her neighborhood.
They've opened up our big downtown sports arena to serve as public shelter.
What we're going through is a fraction of what New Orleans went through, but I hope it opens some eyes to the fragility of our own infrastructure.
Again, I'm incredibly grateful to be in a warm, comfortable place during all this.
They've opened up our big downtown sports arena to serve as public shelter.
What we're going through is a fraction of what New Orleans went through, but I hope it opens some eyes to the fragility of our own infrastructure.
Again, I'm incredibly grateful to be in a warm, comfortable place during all this.
A little honesty... I think
If I were going to face the truth, I think I would have to say that part of the reason I look the way I do is that I enjoy being the contrarian.
I think I conjured up a sort of idealized image of myself in my current fashion mode... something akin to what Kiefer Sutherland would look like if her were cast as me in "Neither Being nor Not Being: the mcarp Story."
Then I see myself in a mirror or plate glass window and am reminded that John Goodman would be a more appropriate casting choice (or Homer Simpson, were he a real human being). And then I think to myself, "Well, I don't look scruffy or rebellious or devil-may-care or like I'm standing up to 'the man.' I just look like a fat guy in crappy clothes (except for the scarf, which is my one redeeming fashion statement)."
Sort of like, well, Michael Moore or Peter Jackson.
And all of that self-image stuff is driven by a sense of self and a desire to create a certain impression in the minds of other people. Dualistic thinking all the way, baby.
I've got my arms full – full of all this 'self' baggage. I didn't put it all down – I just swapped out the boxes I was carrying it all around in.
I think I conjured up a sort of idealized image of myself in my current fashion mode... something akin to what Kiefer Sutherland would look like if her were cast as me in "Neither Being nor Not Being: the mcarp Story."
Then I see myself in a mirror or plate glass window and am reminded that John Goodman would be a more appropriate casting choice (or Homer Simpson, were he a real human being). And then I think to myself, "Well, I don't look scruffy or rebellious or devil-may-care or like I'm standing up to 'the man.' I just look like a fat guy in crappy clothes (except for the scarf, which is my one redeeming fashion statement)."
Sort of like, well, Michael Moore or Peter Jackson.
And all of that self-image stuff is driven by a sense of self and a desire to create a certain impression in the minds of other people. Dualistic thinking all the way, baby.
I've got my arms full – full of all this 'self' baggage. I didn't put it all down – I just swapped out the boxes I was carrying it all around in.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Second and third thoughts
A few days ago a friend sent me an entry from the Urban Slang Dictionary for the word 'hobosexual.' It's defined as someone who doesn't care anything about his appearance - the opposite of 'metrosexual.' Michael Moore and Peter Jackson were listed as examples. "This is you!" she wrote.
I was in a bar tonight where a couple of women said I looked like Dr. Johnny Fever from WKRP in Cincinnati.
Yes, there's a resemblance, I suppose, but Johnny Fever wasn't as overweight as I am.
From about 2001 foreward, it's been within my grasp to create almost any kind of image for myself I desired. I couldn't imitate Mark Cuban or Brad Pitt, but I could jettison what blogblah! once described as "that shambling Who? Me? exterior" (read the comments here for more) in favor of something more sleek and fashionable. If I wanted to trade in the hoodie sweatshirts for Armani, I could do that. If I wanted to dump the minivan in favor of a Lexus or BMW, I could do that, too.
And sometimes something or someone comes along who make me wish I had done so - but only temporarily. I had plenty of experience in television with the business of remaking myself into something I wasn't. I discovered that while I could keep up the act for a time, it left me emotionally and intellectually exhausted – and I always let the real 'no class' me slip out eventually.
Fortunately, I no longer have a job that requires me to project any particular image. But sometimes I'll meet someone who catches my interest and tempts me to remake myself to suit her preferences. Intellectually, I know that's a sucker bet. Even so, it sometimes gets tiresome being me, and I think maybe the minuses have come to outweigh the pluses. Certainly playing the role of the affable, slightly dumpy and lethargic 'big brother' figure has its downside.
But why even have a concept of being me? Why even have words in my mind that describe the difference between who I am and who I 'ought' to be? Where does all that come from? It's more of the stuff that I've created in my own mind - often with the help of mass media and other people who have similar stuff in their own minds.
So I say that this desire to remake myself according to other people's preferences occasionally manifests itself, but only for a time. The real happiness comes not from being the 'real me', but from putting aside notions of there being a 'real me' and notions of some 'other me' I might become.
I still don't have any electricity, by the way.
I was in a bar tonight where a couple of women said I looked like Dr. Johnny Fever from WKRP in Cincinnati.
Yes, there's a resemblance, I suppose, but Johnny Fever wasn't as overweight as I am.
From about 2001 foreward, it's been within my grasp to create almost any kind of image for myself I desired. I couldn't imitate Mark Cuban or Brad Pitt, but I could jettison what blogblah! once described as "that shambling Who? Me? exterior" (read the comments here for more) in favor of something more sleek and fashionable. If I wanted to trade in the hoodie sweatshirts for Armani, I could do that. If I wanted to dump the minivan in favor of a Lexus or BMW, I could do that, too.
And sometimes something or someone comes along who make me wish I had done so - but only temporarily. I had plenty of experience in television with the business of remaking myself into something I wasn't. I discovered that while I could keep up the act for a time, it left me emotionally and intellectually exhausted – and I always let the real 'no class' me slip out eventually.
Fortunately, I no longer have a job that requires me to project any particular image. But sometimes I'll meet someone who catches my interest and tempts me to remake myself to suit her preferences. Intellectually, I know that's a sucker bet. Even so, it sometimes gets tiresome being me, and I think maybe the minuses have come to outweigh the pluses. Certainly playing the role of the affable, slightly dumpy and lethargic 'big brother' figure has its downside.
But why even have a concept of being me? Why even have words in my mind that describe the difference between who I am and who I 'ought' to be? Where does all that come from? It's more of the stuff that I've created in my own mind - often with the help of mass media and other people who have similar stuff in their own minds.
So I say that this desire to remake myself according to other people's preferences occasionally manifests itself, but only for a time. The real happiness comes not from being the 'real me', but from putting aside notions of there being a 'real me' and notions of some 'other me' I might become.
I still don't have any electricity, by the way.
It looks like a WAR ZONE!
For those you just joining us, our exclusive team coverage of ICE STORM 2007 continues now.
It looks like a WAR ZONE out there, and many are turning to generators for electric power. But with the electric power these generators bring, there is also a danger: DEADLY carbon monoxide.
We've put together a few handy storm-related tips for you.
1. If you find a live power line, do not put it in your mouth.
2. If you do pick up a live power line and put it in your mouth, be sure you're warmly dressed... in layers.
3. If you're coanchoring exclusive team coverage of ICE STORM 2007, be sure to nod in emphatic agreement with everything your coanchor says, no matter how obvious or inane.
Good tips.
(Did you remember to nod in agreement?)
It looks like a WAR ZONE out there, and many are turning to generators for electric power. But with the electric power these generators bring, there is also a danger: DEADLY carbon monoxide.
We've put together a few handy storm-related tips for you.
1. If you find a live power line, do not put it in your mouth.
2. If you do pick up a live power line and put it in your mouth, be sure you're warmly dressed... in layers.
3. If you're coanchoring exclusive team coverage of ICE STORM 2007, be sure to nod in emphatic agreement with everything your coanchor says, no matter how obvious or inane.
Good tips.
(Did you remember to nod in agreement?)
Not over yet...
I just saw flashes from two big transformer explosions... looked like they out along Northwest Expressway somewhere.
Household status
Those of you reading in Oklahoma already know this, but for those you in other states:
The ice storm turned out to be the worst in state history. Most of the city was without electricity yesterday. The utility company says 7 to ten days to restore all power, but it was much longer than that in 2002 when the storm wasn't as bad. I'm guessing there will still be outlying neighborhoods with no power after Christmas. I expect mine to be back on next week or maybe by Monday the 24th.
I spent the night at a friend's place. The high today is supposed to be in the fifties, so the cats should be okay.
The ice storm turned out to be the worst in state history. Most of the city was without electricity yesterday. The utility company says 7 to ten days to restore all power, but it was much longer than that in 2002 when the storm wasn't as bad. I'm guessing there will still be outlying neighborhoods with no power after Christmas. I expect mine to be back on next week or maybe by Monday the 24th.
I spent the night at a friend's place. The high today is supposed to be in the fifties, so the cats should be okay.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Pleasure and Happiness
I've forgotten where I read this, but the idea of it stuck with me: pleasure and happiness are not the same thing.
In our culture, we've generally adopted the false notion that pleasure leads to happiness. It would be more accurate to say that pleasure distracts us from unhappiness. Pleasure is one of the topical analgesics we use for fast, temporary relief from the reality of our own lives.
There are going to be events and experiences in our lives that cause pleasure. We should neither seek them nor avoid them. The main thing to understand about pleasure is that it is fleeting, and that struggling to keep it coming will eventually lead to a hard crash.
In our culture, we've generally adopted the false notion that pleasure leads to happiness. It would be more accurate to say that pleasure distracts us from unhappiness. Pleasure is one of the topical analgesics we use for fast, temporary relief from the reality of our own lives.
There are going to be events and experiences in our lives that cause pleasure. We should neither seek them nor avoid them. The main thing to understand about pleasure is that it is fleeting, and that struggling to keep it coming will eventually lead to a hard crash.
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Weather update
Tuesday's forecast high has been pushed down to just 35. Maybe the 'winter storm' will be worse than I thought.
I don't know where everyone is tonight...
...but it feels like my usual circle of friends and acquaintances has sort of vanished. It's probably a temporary thing... but the only thing that's constant is change.
Don't know mind
I've been given a very good opportunity to practice it. No more details to come... that's my first step in practicing.
Saturday AM
I have almost nothing to report. Did some laundry and got some old junk out of my car yesterday evening after dinner and the Paseo Gallery Walk.
Bought a small painting yesterday from Gayle Curry.
We have been told to expect a winter storm Sunday and Monday. The high Tuesday is forecast to reach 43, so I don't think I'll need to stock up on provisions for the coming ordeal.
Bought a small painting yesterday from Gayle Curry.
We have been told to expect a winter storm Sunday and Monday. The high Tuesday is forecast to reach 43, so I don't think I'll need to stock up on provisions for the coming ordeal.
Friday, December 07, 2007
Thich Nhat Hahn on HuffPo
"Knowing his role in influencing a more socially and politically relevant Buddhism, I was surprised that his lectures were about everyday mundane relationships -- about open communication between parents and children, about keeping love vibrant and new between husband and wife, about the importance of non-discrimination and mutual understanding in the increasing number of relationships between couples of different religious and cultural backgrounds."
More here.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Among the things I finally got done...
... is replacement of the HVAC blower in the minivan. It died a couple of years ago. I normally can get along without heat and air, but not having the defroster is really inconvenient when winter arrives.
The blower in my Volvo went out about 12 years ago, and I replaced it myself. That was a tedious and frustrating experience, and part of the reason I put off doing it this time. But I found a mechanic who did the whole job for less than $150 parts and labor.
Of course, I had to sit at the Red Cup and do nothing while he worked on it and you can imagine how difficult that was for me.
The blower in my Volvo went out about 12 years ago, and I replaced it myself. That was a tedious and frustrating experience, and part of the reason I put off doing it this time. But I found a mechanic who did the whole job for less than $150 parts and labor.
Of course, I had to sit at the Red Cup and do nothing while he worked on it and you can imagine how difficult that was for me.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Ups and Downs on Wednesday evening
Things are going really well right now, and life is, as I mentioned previously, 99.99% perfect.
Whatever the cause, my depression has been pretty much on hiatus for many weeks now, and the past two or three weeks have been especially good. I've been able to motivate myself to do some things I would previously have put off or avoided – trivial stuff, mostly, which made it easy to delay.
If there is a down side to this, it would be that while all these 'good vibrations' have been happening, I haven't been as mindful as I would like to be about the Buddhist practices of right speech and right thought. I've said some things I wish I had not said – not terrible or hurtful things, but just little snarky things that I feel mildly poison me more than the persons at whom they are directed.
I've also fallen back into my bad habit of over-analyzing certain things. I'm much better at being aware of this as it happens, and the degree of obsessing is a fraction of what it was five or ten years ago, but there's still some habitual behavior present. I wouldn't categorize this as being harmful so much as being counterproductive and a devourer of time.
When I was a kid – maybe ten years old – I was home alone one night and ate, out of boredom, about a two pound bag of BIKE banana caramels. I wasn't hungry, and they didn't even taste that good, but I didn't have anything else to do, so I did that. They made me sick to my stomach and I threw them all up.
It's kind of the same way with over-thinking, over-analyzing and obsession. It's not really that I need to figure these things out, and it's not that pleasant to do it, but I'm bored and I end up filling my time with this stuff. It doesn't make me throw up, but it does make me sort of emotionally queasy.
I just Googled BIKE banana caramels and didn't get a single hit. Maybe they don't make them anymore.
Whatever the cause, my depression has been pretty much on hiatus for many weeks now, and the past two or three weeks have been especially good. I've been able to motivate myself to do some things I would previously have put off or avoided – trivial stuff, mostly, which made it easy to delay.
If there is a down side to this, it would be that while all these 'good vibrations' have been happening, I haven't been as mindful as I would like to be about the Buddhist practices of right speech and right thought. I've said some things I wish I had not said – not terrible or hurtful things, but just little snarky things that I feel mildly poison me more than the persons at whom they are directed.
I've also fallen back into my bad habit of over-analyzing certain things. I'm much better at being aware of this as it happens, and the degree of obsessing is a fraction of what it was five or ten years ago, but there's still some habitual behavior present. I wouldn't categorize this as being harmful so much as being counterproductive and a devourer of time.
When I was a kid – maybe ten years old – I was home alone one night and ate, out of boredom, about a two pound bag of BIKE banana caramels. I wasn't hungry, and they didn't even taste that good, but I didn't have anything else to do, so I did that. They made me sick to my stomach and I threw them all up.
It's kind of the same way with over-thinking, over-analyzing and obsession. It's not really that I need to figure these things out, and it's not that pleasant to do it, but I'm bored and I end up filling my time with this stuff. It doesn't make me throw up, but it does make me sort of emotionally queasy.
I just Googled BIKE banana caramels and didn't get a single hit. Maybe they don't make them anymore.
Self-improvement
"The rules are as follows: Devise a list of 5-10 courses you would take to improve your life. It's more fun to be in classes with friends, so include one class from the person who tagged you that you'd also like to take. Tag five other people."
I was tagged by Nina, so the course I would share with her is her number 6: HOW TO DISENGAGE YOURSELF FROM UNPRODUCTIVE BULLSHIT.
This would basically be a refresher course for me.
My other classes:
Teach your cats to clean house. They're just lying around all day, anyway. Couldn't they roll around and pick up some dust bunnies and take them to the litter box?
Teach your cats to change your motor oil. This is an advanced course, only available to those who have completed 'Teach your cats to clean house.'
How to quit griping and love social networking. Thanks for the add.
That only brings me up to four. But it's hard to learn anything when you're practicing don't-know mind.
Nina tagged a lot of the same people I would have tagged, and my blog circle is rather small.
So, Patrizia, privacy-shattered Erika, Mary, Sonja... your turn.
(Mary, it's only coincidence that every blogger mentioned in this post besides me is female.)
Huckabee's past catches up with him
I am no fan of Mike Huckabee, the GOP presidential candidate from Arkansas.
From the Huffington Post:
Serial rapist Wayne Dumond became a cause celebré among conservatives because one of his several victims was a distant relative of Bill Clinton.
Newly-found documents, which Huckabee has tried to suppress, show more about the information he had at hand about Dumond's background and the potential threat he posed when he decided to score points with the far right by setting Dumond free.
From the Huffington Post:
"As governor of Arkansas, Mike Huckabee aggressively pushed for the early release of a convicted rapist despite being warned by numerous women that the convict had sexually assaulted them or their family members, and would likely strike again. The convict went on to rape and murder at least one other woman."
Serial rapist Wayne Dumond became a cause celebré among conservatives because one of his several victims was a distant relative of Bill Clinton.
Newly-found documents, which Huckabee has tried to suppress, show more about the information he had at hand about Dumond's background and the potential threat he posed when he decided to score points with the far right by setting Dumond free.
Facebook follows you everywhere
From PC World
More here.
"Facebook's controversial Beacon ad system tracks users' off-Facebook activities even if those users are logged off from the social-networking site and have previously declined having their activities on specific external sites broadcast to their Facebook friends, a company spokesman said via e-mail over the weekend."
More here.
Monday, December 03, 2007
another MySpace gripe
As you've probably figured out, I'm not a big MySpace user. But I have been on it frequently over the past week, and I've noticed that the amount of MySpace spam I've gotten has jumped by probably fivefold.
I assume the spammers have found a way to find recent users, as opposed to those who perhaps created an account two years ago and gave up on it a month later, and target their crap at those with recent logins.
I assume the spammers have found a way to find recent users, as opposed to those who perhaps created an account two years ago and gave up on it a month later, and target their crap at those with recent logins.
I haven't watched the debates...
...but judging from the coverage I've seen on the web, I haven't missed much.
Here's a great LA Times article on what's happening.
Here's a great LA Times article on what's happening.
"THE United States is at war in the Middle East and Central Asia, the economy is writhing like a snake with a broken back, oil prices are relentlessly climbing toward $100 a barrel and an increasing number of Americans just can't afford to be sick with anything that won't be treated with aspirin and bed rest.
"So, when CNN brought the Republican presidential candidates together this week for what is loosely termed a "debate," what did the country get but a discussion of immigration, Biblical inerrancy and the propriety of flying the Confederate flag?"
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Non-attachment, commercial art and the Great Pyramid
As some of you know, I did this piece of art for the Trinkets 'n' Baubles Holiday Party at the Red Cup Saturday. The art was used on an 11x17" poster as well as a postcard, which I also laid out.This is a piece of commercial art. It is not about my artistic vision, or my personal statement as an artist. It's about getting people to come to a party, and while I can't say it helped bring people who otherwise would not have come, it doesn't seem to have chased anyone off.
Because it is commercial art, I don't have and cannot afford to have any personal attachment to it. I frequently meet other artists doing commercial work who have gotten very attached to their finished product, even though it really doesn't belong to them.
The person who asked me to do this work asked me to make changes after seeing the first draft. This was the original background for the piece, which was meant to suggest the walls in the 'music area' of the Red Cup. She thought it was a little drab, so I made the change that was reflected in the final piece.The point I want to emphasize here is that commercial art is not 'high art,' whatever that is. Someone wants a change, you make the change. Someone changes your work after your hands are off it, you shrug them off. A lot of the stuff I did for my last full-time job has been changed since I left; I would fully expect my replacement to make changes if he thought they were appropriate, and would assume something was amiss if he didn't.
Now that the Trinkets 'n' Baubles Party is over, all the posters and invitations will go in the trash (except, perhaps, for the few I was asked to sign) and by the time Christmas gets here, no one will have remembered this work.
This is how everything is, so there's no point in getting attached to stuff, no matter how big and important it seems at the moment.
You probably know the Great Pyramid was built as a tomb for a pharaoh. But he's just as dead now as he would have been if they'd put him in a wooden box.
Do you even remember his name?
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Infatuation redux
Has this ever happened to you?
I had a conversation a while back with a woman whom I had found very interesting and attractive for some time. I felt that we had connected on a somewhat deeper level during that chat, and that I'd really like to get to know her better. I was frankly a little euphoric about it for a couple of days.
I decided to bounce this off a female friend for a reality check.
"What made this conversation special?" she asked, and I was immediately enlightened.
Because I couldn't think of a thing that made it special. It was like conversations I've had with dozens of other women, and men as well. All that was different, I suddenly realized, was that I had 'enhanced' my recollection of this particular conversation to help rationalize my attraction to this particular woman.
After I got myself out of 'magical thinking' mode, I realized I'd had a fairly ordinary conversation with her, and that nothing had happened that should have suggested to me some spark of mutual attraction. I had just made it up.
Now, having been brought down to earth, I feel a little disappointed. And I worry that the disappointment will trigger another round of depression.
And on top of all that, I still have this little nagging hope that maybe I've gotten it all wrong and she really is interested in me – and then I get annoyed with myself for having this little sliver of magical thinking still whizzing around in my head.
So, I've now gone through this array of emotions, useless speculation and worry. It didn't accomplish anything, didn't change my life in any way, didn't lead to any result. It was just several days of mental wheel-spinning.
Remember this quote?
This isn't some pie-in-the-sky abstract spirituality. It's a real common sense way to rid yourself of all the shitwheels spinning in your brain to no useful end.
I had a conversation a while back with a woman whom I had found very interesting and attractive for some time. I felt that we had connected on a somewhat deeper level during that chat, and that I'd really like to get to know her better. I was frankly a little euphoric about it for a couple of days.
I decided to bounce this off a female friend for a reality check.
"What made this conversation special?" she asked, and I was immediately enlightened.
Because I couldn't think of a thing that made it special. It was like conversations I've had with dozens of other women, and men as well. All that was different, I suddenly realized, was that I had 'enhanced' my recollection of this particular conversation to help rationalize my attraction to this particular woman.
After I got myself out of 'magical thinking' mode, I realized I'd had a fairly ordinary conversation with her, and that nothing had happened that should have suggested to me some spark of mutual attraction. I had just made it up.
Now, having been brought down to earth, I feel a little disappointed. And I worry that the disappointment will trigger another round of depression.
And on top of all that, I still have this little nagging hope that maybe I've gotten it all wrong and she really is interested in me – and then I get annoyed with myself for having this little sliver of magical thinking still whizzing around in my head.
So, I've now gone through this array of emotions, useless speculation and worry. It didn't accomplish anything, didn't change my life in any way, didn't lead to any result. It was just several days of mental wheel-spinning.
Remember this quote?
Dae-Ju said, "When people are hungry, they eat. Only the outside, the body, is eating. On the inside, they are thinking, and they have desire for money, fame, sex, food, and they feel anger. And so when they are tired, because of these wants, they do not sleep. So, the outside and the inside are different. But when I am hungry, I only eat. When I am tired, I only sleep. I have no thinking, and so I have no inside and no outside."
This isn't some pie-in-the-sky abstract spirituality. It's a real common sense way to rid yourself of all the shitwheels spinning in your brain to no useful end.
No More Mr. Nice Guy
I have always had a problem telling people to fuck off when it was clearly appropriate to tell them to fuck off. Sometimes I end up apologizing instead.
I think this is probably a leftover from childhood when I was obliged to cheerily accept whatever weird alcohol-fueled shit my parents happened to foist on me.
I don't want to even bother with 'power issues' in dealing with other people. I don't have any skill in that regard and usually don't even think about it during interactions. After the fact, when I've bent over backwards to help someone and been told what an asshole I am for having not done even more or having not done it some other way, I find myself asking why I let myself into these situations.
I'd rather just not deal with them at all. And nowadays, I have that choice.
I think this is probably a leftover from childhood when I was obliged to cheerily accept whatever weird alcohol-fueled shit my parents happened to foist on me.
I don't want to even bother with 'power issues' in dealing with other people. I don't have any skill in that regard and usually don't even think about it during interactions. After the fact, when I've bent over backwards to help someone and been told what an asshole I am for having not done even more or having not done it some other way, I find myself asking why I let myself into these situations.
I'd rather just not deal with them at all. And nowadays, I have that choice.
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