No, seriously. I am.
I was in my mid-forties before I found out that sometimes, although a woman might not be interested in me, she would be interested in me being interested in her.
My therapist explained that to me, after I told him yet another sad story of heartbreak and confusion and mixed messages. I wasn't quite sure I understood what he was saying. These women wanted attention from me, even though they actually didn't especially like me?
"Okay," I said. "I understand that some women (some men, too, I suppose) just have to have the attention. I know women who flirt with every guy they meet. But these women don't. It's just me. Why would they do that if they aren't really interested?"
Now, this has been about eight years ago. And I still remember it like it was a week ago Tuesday. He looked at me and said in a perfectly dead-pan voice:
"Because you're gullible and naive. You're an easy mark."
That was like Isaac Newton seeing the apple fall from the tree. Except Newton figured out gravity for himself. He didn't have to go to his therapist and say, "Well, things have been pretty good this week. I feel like I've stayed pretty centered, and I've stayed on my antidepressant. Except... except... there was this apple, and I know this sounds really weird and all, but it fell from a tree? And it just like totally freaked me out. Like my inner child was really confused by this, and I've been trying to get in touch with it all week. Maybe an apple hit me on the head when I just a baby or something, and I've suppressed the memory. So, anyway, there's that, plus I'm still trying to figure out if I can make some kind of sugary snack out of all these figs."
Armed with my newfound awareness, I decided I would never have my chain yanked again. If I went to a bar or a party and some woman made eye contact and smiled, I just gave her my knowing 'I'm on to your evil blood-sucking ego-crushing spirit-killing shit' smile and turned away. And the nicer they were to me, the higher a wall I built.
I still do that.
I realize I may not be Nick (Woot! Has broken up with Miss Kentucky! More shit put in my brain!), but that doesn't mean I'm obliged to be a crash test dummy for anyone else.
Except, of course, I wonder sometimes if I have pushed away someone who genuinely liked me and was interested in me.
Like those times Isacc Newton saw the apple break loose from the tree and float in mid-air.
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